World Wrestling Insanity


Report By: Celian Varini Live from the Toyota Center in Houston, Texas. Hosted by : Michael Cole & Tazz in the US, and the fat Mexican and the gay Mexican when you press the SAP button. The Power is back ! 1) LOD & Christy Hemme defeated MNM at 6:25 when Christy pinned Melina after a Doomsday Device Christy is very “Sunny-esque” in her attitude since pairing up with LOD. Animal has his left shoulder taped. At 2:00 MNM connected with their finisher on Animal, but he kicked out. MNM worked on Animal for seemingly forever. (actually 3 minutes). The girls entered at 5:00. Animal & Christy hit the Hart Attack on Melina. After a Huracanrana on Melina by Christy, Animal set her up for a Doom’s Day Device. Christy pinned Melina after a Doom’s Day Device. Christy Varini celebrated with the Tag champs. Eddie Guerrero came to wish good luck to his “friend” Batista for tonight. Thy had a stare-down. Batista wished him good luck too. They had the stare-down again. TENSION!~ LOD and Christy went backstage to the “Instant Access” booth. A new setup where some WWE Superstars ™ answer to internet Qs and such. Simon Dean came to the ring with a fat guy carrying 20 double cheeseburgers. He vowed to eat them if he couldn’t beat Lashley. 2) Bobby Lashley defeated Simon Dean at 1:55 with a Dominator Cole called Lashley the “Real Deal”. Bobby has a real tough act to follow with a nickname like that… Dean distracted the ref by throwing burgers on the ring and hit Lashley with the plate. Bobby didn’t feel a thing. He tried a powermove, messed it up badly, and then hit his finisher. For the win in less than 2:00 minutes. Steve Romero interviewed JBL and Jillian. JBL called RAW the “B-team” and told them to “come get some”. JBL talked trash about the jumping bean. Rey Mysterio interrupted and spoke in Spanish. The crowd laughed. JBL asked him to speak English since you know, this is America. Rey-Rey gave a mask to JBL to hide his shame, he refused so Rey gave it to Jillian. Shocking !~ Bobby Lashley sat down with Josh Mathews for “Instant Access”. Teddy Long came in to congratulate him. Fatal Four Way up next... 3) US Champion Chris Benoit defeated Booker T, Christian, and Orlando Jordan at 10:23 when he forced Christian to submit to a Sharpshooter Sharmell came out before the match to her own entrance music (!!) to introduce her husband Booker T. Her annoyance factor was up to 9.5 Isn’t it ironic that Sharmell rhymes with charming ? Benoit put on the Crossface to Orlando at 1:55, but Christian broke it up. Booker and Benoit had an intense face-off and Cole referenced the “best of 7 series” from WCW. Christian has had zero offence and is just being tossed out the ring like a dummy. OJ almost pinned Booker on a Sunset flip when Booker seemingly “forgot” to kick out. At 6:40 Booker hit the Spinaroonie. At 7:35 Benoit placed 2 German Suplexes on Christian, threw OJ out the ring and then gave Christian 4 other Germans, and then tried the Swan Dive top rope Headbutt, but Christian moved. At 9:20 Benoit locked the Crossface on Christian and OJ was super late to break it up. At 10:23 Christian tapped out to a Benoit Sharpshooter. Tazz & Cole listed TONS of ol’ US champs to get over the title. That charming bitch Sharmell chewed out her husband after the match. A commercial for WWE Fanatic Series aired : Superstars of the 80’s. Backstage, Bobby Lashley screamed at Simon Dean to eat the cheeseburgers. Simon tried to back down, but Lashley insisted and used force. 20 double cheeseburgers ! That’s like 40 normal ones !! Chris Benoit went in for “Instant Access”. 4) Ken Kennedy beat Hardcore Holly at 8:50 with his second rope inverted Samoan Drop. Kennedy, as usual, did his own intro in place of Tony Chimmel. He said some bad stuff about Houston and put over how this is his first ever PPV appearance. Like twins wrestling each other. Kennedy hit his finisher for the win, and then took the mic to announce the winner : Ken Kennedy ….. Kennedy ! Holly hurt his shoulder. Referees tried to help him out, he refused their help and screamed at them. Then Sylvan arrived! There is a GOD! Sylvan attacked the injured Holly and focused on the ribs. He hit his finisher on Holly and posed for pictures. Referees didn’t do anything and just waited for Sylvan to finish his attack. Backstage: Simon Dean found a hair in one of his burgers. He weeped but Lashley forced him to continue eating. I’m hungry. Sharmell continued to chew out Booker T. backstage. Ken Kennedy interrupted the loving couple and put over his win with his usual spiel. He’s a “winner” and Booker is a “loser”. Gold. Even the crowd laughed at the face. Sharmell said that Booker was the problem of it all. 5) John “Bradshaw” Layfield (with Jillian) beat Rey Mysterio at 13:24 with the Clothesline From Hell. Booyaka, Booyaka!! Officially the worse entrance theme of all time. Channel changing bad. JBL looks HUGE next to Rey-Rey, it’s insane. JBL actually put on a headlock on Rey less than a minute into the match … and held it on for over 70 seconds ! In 2005, that is unbelievable. Tazz excused JBL’s performance even before the match by saying that he had stomach problems for the past 2 days after eating spicy food. Cole called a tilt-a-whirl headscissors a “huracanrana”, and Tazz had to correct him! Rey hit a Bulldog on JBL to the outside. JBL tripped Rey and he hit his head on the ring steps. At 7:50 JBL hit 2 Fallaway Slams on Rey, and then a third one on the outside of the ring. JBL then put on a bear-hug on Rey for over a minute in the center of the ring. Rey countered with a Tornado DDT. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence and hit the Bronco Buster. Jillian distracted the ref and Rey, but JBL missed the Clothesline From hell and Rey hit a Moonsault. JBL kicked out at 2. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence and hit the Bronco Buster. Jillian distracted the ref and Rey, but JBL missed the Clothesline From hell and Rey hit a Moonsault. JBL kicked out at 2. Rey hit the 619 but JBL countered a Drop Of The Dime with a Clothesline From Hell for the win. A commercial for RAW aired, focusing on the fact that someone is gonna get fired. They promoted the CD “Save Me”, the official theme for No Mercy. 4 druids brought out a giant casket after the Ortons got in the ring. Undertaker’s entrance seemed to last a lifetime. 6) Randy Orton & Cowboy” Bob Orton beat The Undertaker in a Casket match. At 19:07. Double team on Taker by the Ortons for the first 2:30. Bob Orton wrestler in a shirt and jeans, completely covered up. At 3:15 Taker put Bob Orton in the casket, but the 2 Ortons have to be in it to win. At 6:30 Taker tried the “Old School” on Bob O., but Randy crotched him. The Ortons hit a double Superplex at 7:25. At 9:30 Randy hit his cool-looking backbreaker on the Dead Dude. Bob Orton got a fire extinguisher out but couldn’t use it. Taker hit Randy with a chairshot and put him in the casket. He put a triangle choke on Bob and put him in it too, but Randy countered before he could close the casket. The 3 men were now in the casket fighting. Taker & Randy then fought in the ring while Bob stayed KO’ed in the casket. At 13:55 Taker hit a low-blow on the well-hung Randy Orton. The crowd was super hot screaming “Rest In Peace” the whole match. At 16:23 Taker hit the Last Ride on Orton, and then tried to Tombstone Orton in the casket but Bob Orton popped out of the casket and blinded Taker with the fire extinguisher. Randy hit the RKO on a blinded Taker. Bob Orton rolled the Taker in the casket, but he countered. Randy hit Taker with the fire extinguisher. At 18:33 Bob closed the casket with both Taker and Randy in it. They got out and Randy KO’ed Taker with a chair and then finally closed the casket for the win. After the match, Randy Orton tried to destroy the huge casket with an axe. Bob brought in gasoline and set the casket on fire. A promo for Wrestlemania 22 aired. April 2nd 2006 in Chicago. Be there or Bull Buchanan. Sorry … Be Square. Cole & Tazz tried to look emotional at the death of the Taker, but failed. Juvi just came out for the cruiser match. 7) Juventud (with Super Crazy and Psychosis) beat Cruiserweight champion Nunzio (with Vito) at 6:49 with the JuviDriver to capture the title. Juvi won a chance at the title by winning a Cruiser Battle Royale on Velocity. The crowd was dead. The commentary was horrible, Tazz and Cole talked about everything BUT the match. They had a 2 minute debate about what “The Juice” nickname was referring to. Pineapple juice? Juicy fruit? … At 6:00 Juvi got rid of an interfering Vito. Juvi hit a Northern Lights Suplex/JuviDriver combo for the win. Title change!!! Hugo interviewed the Mexicools in Spanish after the match on the arena mic. Backstage... Simon Dean finished up his 20th cheeseburger. Bobby Lashley said that was only 19 and gave Simon one last burger. Simon couldn’t take it and went to the bathroom to vomit. Lashley was not good at all at improv during those skits. They promo’ed the Survivor Series for November and then showed the Mexicools in the “Instant Access” area. 8) World Champion Batista pinned Eddie Guerrero at 18:40 with a Spinebuster The face-off between the 2 was embarrassing for Eddie as he arrived at Batista nipple-level. The announcers have been making an insane amount of references all night to the stars of wrestling of yesteryear. Nothing happened for the first 6 and a half minutes of the match as the only offensive maneuver was a headlock from Batista. No joke. I just checked the calendar, it is 2005. At 7:00 Eddie took out a steel chair but couldn’t use it. At 7:45 he hit the Frog Splash to Batista’s back out of nowhere, but the champ kicked out. Eddie tried out various submissions on Batista and then took out a tag rope from the turnbuckle. He hesitated and decided not to use it … yet ? Eddie then applied a chinlock. This is Hogan/Warrior Havoc ‘98 in action level. (JG NOTE: Halloween Havoc '98 is available at Amazon or wherever shit is sold.) At 12:45 Batista screamed and seemed to make a comeback, but Eddie countered and attempted a Texas Cloverleaf. Batista countered with a Small Package for a 2 count. At 14:35 the refree was KO’ed. In 15 minutes there was 2 bumps in the match and one was from the ref. Eddie took out a steel chair. Cole went nuts on commentary saying that he knew what the true colors of Eddie were. Eddie hesitated but didn’t use the chair … yet? Batista made his comeback and shook the ropes Warrior style at 16:00. Eddie countered a Batista Bomb with a Sunset Flip. Batista hit a Spinebuster but couldn’t cover Eddie soon enough because of his injured back. Batista hit a Spinebuster but couldn’t cover Eddie soon enough because of his injured back. Guerrero hit the 3 Amigos at 18:00. The crowd was half and half. Batista moved out of a Frog Splash and hit a Spinebuster for the win. Not main event worthy. Eddie shook the hand of his friend Batista after the match, but smiled when Batista turned his back to him. They faced off, there was still tension, but that’s how it ended. Batista retains. *FIN* *Did you see No Mercy? Have an opinon? Send it to: Review@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com*

Report By: Celian Varini

Live from the Toyota Center in Houston, Texas.

Hosted by : Michael Cole & Tazz in the US, and the fat Mexican and the gay Mexican when you press the SAP button.

The Power is back !

1) LOD & Christy Hemme defeated MNM at 6:25 when Christy pinned Melina after a Doomsday Device

Christy is very “Sunny-esque” in her attitude since pairing up with LOD. Animal has his left shoulder taped. At 2:00 MNM connected with their finisher on Animal, but he kicked out. MNM worked on Animal for seemingly forever. (actually 3 minutes). The girls entered at 5:00. Animal & Christy hit the Hart Attack on Melina. After a Huracanrana on Melina by Christy, Animal set her up for a Doom’s Day Device. Christy pinned Melina after a Doom’s Day Device. Christy Varini celebrated with the Tag champs.

Eddie Guerrero came to wish good luck to his “friend” Batista for tonight. Thy had a stare-down. Batista wished him good luck too. They had the stare-down again. TENSION!~

LOD and Christy went backstage to the “Instant Access” booth. A new setup where some WWE Superstars ™ answer to internet Qs and such.

Simon Dean came to the ring with a fat guy carrying 20 double cheeseburgers. He vowed to eat them if he couldn’t beat Lashley.

2) Bobby Lashley defeated Simon Dean at 1:55 with a Dominator

Cole called Lashley the “Real Deal”. Bobby has a real tough act to follow with a nickname like that… Dean distracted the ref by throwing burgers on the ring and hit Lashley with the plate. Bobby didn’t feel a thing. He tried a powermove, messed it up badly, and then hit his finisher. For the win in less than 2:00 minutes.

Steve Romero interviewed JBL and Jillian. JBL called RAW the “B-team” and told them to “come get some”. JBL talked trash about the jumping bean. Rey Mysterio interrupted and spoke in Spanish. The crowd laughed. JBL asked him to speak English since you know, this is America. Rey-Rey gave a mask to JBL to hide his shame, he refused so Rey gave it to Jillian. Shocking !~

Bobby Lashley sat down with Josh Mathews for “Instant Access”. Teddy Long came in to congratulate him.

Fatal Four Way up next...

3) US Champion Chris Benoit defeated Booker T, Christian, and Orlando Jordan at 10:23 when he forced Christian to submit to a Sharpshooter

Sharmell came out before the match to her own entrance music (!!) to introduce her husband Booker T. Her annoyance factor was up to 9.5 Isn’t it ironic that Sharmell rhymes with charming ? Benoit put on the Crossface to Orlando at 1:55, but Christian broke it up. Booker and Benoit had an intense face-off and Cole referenced the “best of 7 series” from WCW. Christian has had zero offence and is just being tossed out the ring like a dummy. OJ almost pinned Booker on a Sunset flip when Booker seemingly “forgot” to kick out. At 6:40 Booker hit the Spinaroonie. At 7:35 Benoit placed 2 German Suplexes on Christian, threw OJ out the ring and then gave Christian 4 other Germans, and then tried the Swan Dive top rope Headbutt, but Christian moved. At 9:20 Benoit locked the Crossface on Christian and OJ was super late to break it up. At 10:23 Christian tapped out to a Benoit Sharpshooter.

Tazz & Cole listed TONS of ol’ US champs to get over the title. That charming bitch Sharmell chewed out her husband after the match.

A commercial for WWE Fanatic Series aired : Superstars of the 80’s.

Backstage, Bobby Lashley screamed at Simon Dean to eat the cheeseburgers. Simon tried to back down, but Lashley insisted and used force. 20 double cheeseburgers ! That’s like 40 normal ones !!

Chris Benoit went in for “Instant Access”.

4) Ken Kennedy beat Hardcore Holly at 8:50 with his second rope inverted Samoan Drop.

Kennedy, as usual, did his own intro in place of Tony Chimmel. He said some bad stuff about Houston and put over how this is his first ever PPV appearance. Like twins wrestling each other. Kennedy hit his finisher for the win, and then took the mic to announce the winner : Ken Kennedy ….. Kennedy !

Holly hurt his shoulder. Referees tried to help him out, he refused their help and screamed at them. Then Sylvan arrived! There is a GOD!

Sylvan attacked the injured Holly and focused on the ribs. He hit his finisher on Holly and posed for pictures. Referees didn’t do anything and just waited for Sylvan to finish his attack.

Backstage: Simon Dean found a hair in one of his burgers. He weeped but Lashley forced him to continue eating. I’m hungry.

Sharmell continued to chew out Booker T. backstage. Ken Kennedy interrupted the loving couple and put over his win with his usual spiel. He’s a “winner” and Booker is a “loser”. Gold. Even the crowd laughed at the face. Sharmell said that Booker was the problem of it all.

5) John “Bradshaw” Layfield (with Jillian) beat Rey Mysterio at 13:24 with the Clothesline From Hell.

Booyaka, Booyaka!! Officially the worse entrance theme of all time. Channel changing bad. JBL looks HUGE next to Rey-Rey, it’s insane. JBL actually put on a headlock on Rey less than a minute into the match … and held it on for over 70 seconds ! In 2005, that is unbelievable. Tazz excused JBL’s performance even before the match by saying that he had stomach problems for the past 2 days after eating spicy food. Cole called a tilt-a-whirl headscissors a “huracanrana”, and Tazz had to correct him! Rey hit a Bulldog on JBL to the outside. JBL tripped Rey and he hit his head on the ring steps. At 7:50 JBL hit 2 Fallaway Slams on Rey, and then a third one on the outside of the ring. JBL then put on a bear-hug on Rey for over a minute in the center of the ring. Rey countered with a Tornado DDT. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence and hit the Bronco Buster. Jillian distracted the ref and Rey, but JBL missed the Clothesline From hell and Rey hit a Moonsault. JBL kicked out at 2. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence and hit the Bronco Buster. Jillian distracted the ref and Rey, but JBL missed the Clothesline From hell and Rey hit a Moonsault. JBL kicked out at 2. Rey hit the 619 but JBL countered a Drop Of The Dime with a Clothesline From Hell for the win.

A commercial for RAW aired, focusing on the fact that someone is gonna get fired.

They promoted the CD “Save Me”, the official theme for No Mercy.

4 druids brought out a giant casket after the Ortons got in the ring. Undertaker’s entrance seemed to last a lifetime.

6) Randy Orton & Cowboy” Bob Orton beat The Undertaker in a Casket match. At 19:07.

Double team on Taker by the Ortons for the first 2:30. Bob Orton wrestler in a shirt and jeans, completely covered up. At 3:15 Taker put Bob Orton in the casket, but the 2 Ortons have to be in it to win. At 6:30 Taker tried the “Old School” on Bob O., but Randy crotched him. The Ortons hit a double Superplex at 7:25. At 9:30 Randy hit his cool-looking backbreaker on the Dead Dude. Bob Orton got a fire extinguisher out but couldn’t use it. Taker hit Randy with a chairshot and put him in the casket. He put a triangle choke on Bob and put him in it too, but Randy countered before he could close the casket. The 3 men were now in the casket fighting. Taker & Randy then fought in the ring while Bob stayed KO’ed in the casket. At 13:55 Taker hit a low-blow on the well-hung Randy Orton. The crowd was super hot screaming “Rest In Peace” the whole match. At 16:23 Taker hit the Last Ride on Orton, and then tried to Tombstone Orton in the casket but Bob Orton popped out of the casket and blinded Taker with the fire extinguisher. Randy hit the RKO on a blinded Taker. Bob Orton rolled the Taker in the casket, but he countered. Randy hit Taker with the fire extinguisher. At 18:33 Bob closed the casket with both Taker and Randy in it. They got out and Randy KO’ed Taker with a chair and then finally closed the casket for the win.

After the match, Randy Orton tried to destroy the huge casket with an axe. Bob brought in gasoline and set the casket on fire.

A promo for Wrestlemania 22 aired. April 2nd 2006 in Chicago. Be there or Bull Buchanan. Sorry … Be Square.

Cole & Tazz tried to look emotional at the death of the Taker, but failed.

Juvi just came out for the cruiser match.

7) Juventud (with Super Crazy and Psychosis) beat Cruiserweight champion Nunzio (with Vito) at 6:49 with the JuviDriver to capture the title.

Juvi won a chance at the title by winning a Cruiser Battle Royale on Velocity. The crowd was dead. The commentary was horrible, Tazz and Cole talked about everything BUT the match. They had a 2 minute debate about what “The Juice” nickname was referring to. Pineapple juice? Juicy fruit? … At 6:00 Juvi got rid of an interfering Vito. Juvi hit a Northern Lights Suplex/JuviDriver combo for the win. Title change!!! Hugo interviewed the Mexicools in Spanish after the match on the arena mic.

Backstage... Simon Dean finished up his 20th cheeseburger. Bobby Lashley said that was only 19 and gave Simon one last burger. Simon couldn’t take it and went to the bathroom to vomit. Lashley was not good at all at improv during those skits.

They promo’ed the Survivor Series for November and then showed the Mexicools in the “Instant Access” area.

8) World Champion Batista pinned Eddie Guerrero at 18:40 with a Spinebuster

The face-off between the 2 was embarrassing for Eddie as he arrived at Batista nipple-level. The announcers have been making an insane amount of references all night to the stars of wrestling of yesteryear. Nothing happened for the first 6 and a half minutes of the match as the only offensive maneuver was a headlock from Batista. No joke. I just checked the calendar, it is 2005. At 7:00 Eddie took out a steel chair but couldn’t use it. At 7:45 he hit the Frog Splash to Batista’s back out of nowhere, but the champ kicked out. Eddie tried out various submissions on Batista and then took out a tag rope from the turnbuckle. He hesitated and decided not to use it … yet ? Eddie then applied a chinlock. This is Hogan/Warrior Havoc ‘98 in action level. (JG NOTE: Halloween Havoc '98 is available at Amazon or wherever shit is sold.) At 12:45 Batista screamed and seemed to make a comeback, but Eddie countered and attempted a Texas Cloverleaf. Batista countered with a Small Package for a 2 count. At 14:35 the refree was KO’ed. In 15 minutes there was 2 bumps in the match and one was from the ref. Eddie took out a steel chair. Cole went nuts on commentary saying that he knew what the true colors of Eddie were. Eddie hesitated but didn’t use the chair … yet? Batista made his comeback and shook the ropes Warrior style at 16:00. Eddie countered a Batista Bomb with a Sunset Flip. Batista hit a Spinebuster but couldn’t cover Eddie soon enough because of his injured back. Batista hit a Spinebuster but couldn’t cover Eddie soon enough because of his injured back. Guerrero hit the 3 Amigos at 18:00. The crowd was half and half. Batista moved out of a Frog Splash and hit a Spinebuster for the win. Not main event worthy.

Eddie shook the hand of his friend Batista after the match, but smiled when Batista turned his back to him. They faced off, there was still tension, but that’s how it ended. Batista retains.

FIN

Did you see No Mercy? Have an opinon? Send it to: Review@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com