Breaking News: Abyss, OfficeMax Agree To Part Ways

By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News

(Kearney, NB) - National office-supplies chain OfficeMax got more than they bargained for when they hired Total Nonstop Action’s Abyss as a customer-service representative.

“I’ll be honest; before he came in for the interview, I’d never heard of the guy before,” said OfficeMax regional supervisor Bill Stewart. “But hey, my kids are big wrestling fans and, uh, they’d never heard of him, either.”

Still, Abyss was willing to work for minimum wage -- a pay increase from his other job -- and seemed “well-versed in transporting folding chairs and pressboard tables,” so Stewart decided to give him a try.

Problems surfaced almost immediately, when the former World Champion took large quantities of Selectum brand thumbtacks and scattered them all over the floor.

“I had no idea what he was doing,” recalled Stewart. “I mean, the corkboard section was three aisles over, so it wasn’t like he was creating a display or something.”

Abyss then fell -- repeatedly, we might add -- into the pile of pushpins, screaming so loud that he scared away people ordering business cards in the copy center.

But that wasn’t all. Abyss’ TNA co-worker and Canadian Bulldog sound-alike Christian Cage began placing calls to Stewart, usually within five minutes of the store closing, threatening to tell a secret about OfficeMax’s newest hire.

Eventually, Cage revealed that Abyss had shot his father three times in the back, hospitalizing him and leaving him in a coma.

“He sure as hell didn’t mention that in his application form!” huffed Stewart upon hearing the revelation.

OfficeMax’s mandatory criminal record search had not turned this information up, mainly because it was Abyss’ mother who had committed the crime.

“Why wouldn’t Abyss have just admitted that?” asked human resources official Kate Peterson. “That would have just saved everyone a lot of time and effort.”

Within weeks, Abyss was constantly being accompanied to the store by a friend. A man called Sting. He’s a man called Sting.

He does this. He does that. He’s as strong as a bull, and as quick as a cat. He looks fine. He looks cool. He... oops - sorry. Got carried away there.

“I don’t understand why Stinger is always tied to Abyss,” asked Stewart. “How long can this possibly last?”

Yet it wasn’t any of those infractions that eventually got “The Monster” fired from OfficeMax.

“He kept telling people that that they could get better deals on bulk paper over at Staples,” huffed his former employer. “That’s the one unforgivable offense around here.”

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Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at Bulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com