Breaking News: TNA Signs “The Smurfs” To Contract

Above: "Holla... if ya smurf me!" Big Poppa Smurf’s your hookup!

By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News

(Smurf Village) - Fed up with criticism that it hasn't been pushing its innovative X Division enough, Total Nonstop Action (TNA) wrestling has added a gaggle of pint-sized creatures to its roster.

And no, this has nothing to do with luchadores.

TNA has signed The Smurfs, that happy-go-lucky group of blue... elves or something, that were -- much like some of the current roster -- last relevant years ago. Only 14 current wrestlers, including Samoa Joe, had to be fired to make room for the acquisition.

"We couldn't be more delighted with the newest additions to the TNA family," exclaimed company President Dixie Carter. "We're even changing the name of our flagship television program to 'Thursday Night SmurfDown' to reflect this."

The arrival was met with enthusiasm by TNA commentator Don West, who was duly impressed with their finishing maneuvers, such as the Smurfsault, Shooting Smurf Press and Smurfshooter.

"I'M AMAZED AT SOME OF THE THINGS THESE GUYS CAN DO, MIKE!" said West, screaming for no apparent reason. "SOMETIMES, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE JUST THREE APPLES HIGH!!"

Yet, all is not smurfy backstage. TNA Champion Kurt Angle has already been warned that The Smurfs are sensitive about their size, and should not be referred to as "a bunch of freaking six year-olds". And Kevin Nash was simply fired before anything could happen.

Above: Triple Smurf, Hollysmurf Hogan and Smurfsaw Jim Smurfan are among the new personas that will be debuting for TNA.

Dozens of Smurfs debuted during this week's iMPACT tapings out of Orlando. Because of ongoing litigation with World Wrestling Enertainment, they could not use their previous trademarked names in TNA.

"Sure, it's a bit of a pain in the smurf to have to change gimmicks after this long, but you just have to smurf with the punches and adapt," explained Brainy Smurf, now known as "Macho Smurf" Randy Smurfage. "Ooooh yeah! Freak out, freak out!"

Other characters, such as Smurfette, will not be acknowledged by name. Instead, a ringside camera will film matches from underneath her legs for some reason.

And of course, TNA has also re-introduced the Smurfs’ long-time villain.

Yeah, that’s right. I went there.

“Tonight, in this very six-sided ring, I will catch The Smurfs once and for all,” Mr. McGargamel cackled during the tapings. “And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass. Muhuhuhahahahahaha!”

Mr. McGargamel’s limousine will then explode, only to reveal a week later that it was just one of Jokey Smurf’s presents.

-30-

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com