| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com Canadian Bulldog
I'm assuming that many of you stupid marks have read, subscribed to, or were at least vaguely familiar with Pro Wrestling Illustrated at one point, back in the day. One of the notorious "Apter Mags", PWI managed to come up with some of the most, um, impressive stories about professional wrestling since Kay met Fabe. In other words, the stories, sources and events were almost completely fabricated. Kind of like a certain wrestling newsletter... only intentionally so. I personally have roughly 378,261 back issues of PWI stored in a box somewhere in Bulldog Manor, and recently, I had a look at some of the old magazines. I read accounts of Dusty Rhodes, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, The Road Warriors and Bobby The Brain Heenan that were so gripping, they just had to be true. And yet - many of the PWI issues I own were never published! Ever! EVER!!! Here are put a few magazine covers I've been discreetly sent over the years by Stuart M. Saks, Eddie Ellner, Matt Brock and the gang.
You're welcome.
May 2004 Crime and Punishment: IRS's Sinister Plot To Arrest Big Boss Man For... Tax Evasion!
Excerpt: "(Irwin R.) Schyster has been going up to everyone in the locker room, demanding that they justify some of the tax deductions Boss Man has been claiming," explained WWF expert Thomas Pilliard. "Repo Man and The Orient Express were telling IRS that he lied about his charitable contributions."
If found guilty, Boss Man faces up to ten years in prison, and heavy fines from WWF President Jack Tunney.
October 1981 Ric Flair's Vow: "One Belt And One Wife Is All I Need! Wooooo!"
Excerpt: Flair, whom many experts are calling "this generation's Spiros Arion", appears to be quite happy with his one NWA Title belt, not to mention the monogamous and rock-solid relationship he enjoys with his first wife.
"Bill - WOOOOO, Bah Gawd, Apter!" Flair said. "I don't need to be like the Harley Races of the world, continually coming back for another run at the top. When my time in the spotlight is up, you're not see me wrestling another, say, 28 years from now. WOOOOO!"
February 2006
No Bull! Coming in at # 1 on the PWI 500: Mantaur
Excerpt: Although he's only had, like, three squash matches on WWF Wrestling Challenge, experts are convinced the man from the Isle of Crete has what it takes to become the very best wrestler in the universe! "He's already itching to get away from manager Jim Cornette," explained WWF expert Thomas Pilliard. "(WWF Champion) Diesel had best watch his back, if he knows what's good for him!"
April 1989 Randy Savage's Startling Secret: "I'm Afraid Of The Dark! Oooooh Yeah!"
Excerpt: Savage may seem fearless to many, because he jumps off the top rope sometimes and crap, but the WWF Champion has a startling secret: he's afraid of the dark.
"I always suspected he had that fear," said Ken Patera, who once sat next to Savage at a buffet lunch on the road and is the only semi-active wrestler that will talk to us. "Wait, if I say that, do you still think Vince will hire me back?"
August 1990
Is The Ultimate Warrior Gay?
Excerpt:
"How the hell should I know?" said WWF expert Thomas Pilliard.
September 1988
Revealed At Last: The Four Horsemen's Secret Plot To Spy On Sting In The Shower!
Excerpt: The Horsemen have become so frustrated with Sting's antics, that they've taken to spying on him in the shower, an exclusive PWI investigation has revealed. "We know a lot about The Stinger now!" cackled World Television Champion Tully Blanchard. "We know about his injuries. We know which title belt he'll challenge for next. We know all about his wiry, muscular arms.... his rock-hard abs.... his firm but commanding buttocks.... his..... his..... THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!"
November 2009
Hogan In TNA: Seriously?
Excerpt: To be perfectly honest, all the good jokes about this situation were already documented here. "I wholeheartedly agree," explained TNA expert Thomas Pilliard. Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.
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