"Mr. Kim-all-ah, I know you were close to Mr. Ben-wah and knew all about his cocaine habits..."

• The media doesn't overreact in the slightest to last month's Benoit Family Tragedy. Instead, they debate the issues with people who knew the family best, such as Warrior, Marc Mero, Leapin' Lanny Poffo, Bruno Sammartino and Chyna. Apparently Mr. T and Bushwhacker Luke weren't available to comment.
• In a completely unrelated development, U.S. Congress decides to investigate drug use in the professional wrestling industry. Because their attack on Major League Baseball worked so well. Hulk Hogan hurriedly cancels his upcoming appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show.
• In a completely unrelated development, WWE vows to radically improve its Wellness Policy. No longer will testing be done on the "honor system", and repeat offenders will be subject to spending long periods of time in the shower with John Bradshaw Layfield. Shockingly, Chris Masters doesn't yet see the writing on the wall -- or maybe he just enjoys his shower-time with JBL.
• In a completely unrelated development, Mr. Kennedy develops a new finishing hold while on the talk-show circuit: The foot-in-mouth.
• TNA, wrestling's hotbed for young up-and-comers, gives Kurt Angle the promotion's tag team belts, in addition to the TNA and IWGP World Titles he recently acquired.
• To prove that it doesn't just push overly-muscled freaks, WWE puts the vacant World Heavyweight title on The Great Khali.
• Column of the month: Kamala Hasn't "Ruled Out" Presidential Run

August

"Yo, Lita. I did it!"

• Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield sullies his otherwise stellar 42-9-2 career record by battling to a no-contest with the previously unranked Matt "Not That Big A Deal" Hardy. Hardy bites off Holyfield's ear during the post-fight melee, and donates it to a grateful Mick Foley.
• A royal battle is waged between King Booker and Jerry "The King" Lawler to see who WWE's true king is. Turns out it's Triple H.
• WWE suspends performers including King Booker, John Morrison, Edge, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga, Chavo Guerrero and William Regal for one simple reason: they're heels! I mean, these jerks are constantly bending the rules, not breaking the five-count, and cheating while the referee's back is turned. But no one can figure out why the hell they suspended Funaki...
• In a completely unrelated development, John Morrison, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga, Chavo Guerrero and William Regal are all written off WWE programming in spectacular fashion. 
• In a completely unrelated development, drug-free poster boy CM Punk is given the ECW Championship, even though he lost his first 17 bids to win the title on pay-per-view. Go figure.
• TNA, wrestling's hotbed for young up-and-comers, gives Kurt Angle the X Division Title in addition to the other 30 belts he's holding, going over grizzled veteran Samoa Joe in the process. That's not to say that the company hasn't been introducing new stars: Karen Angle, for example.  
• Everyone's favorite Hulk-a-son "Nasty" Nick Hogan is arrested after a passenger in his car was severely injured when the car hit a palm tree. Guess Hogan doesn't know best after all.
• And let me get this straight: they have television cameras following the Hogans when they go to the vitamin store, when they're in the pool, while they're sleeping... yet they somehow didn't do an episode on THIS? I'm sure if Brooke almost killed her friend, they'd be all over it...
• Kona native Brian Adams dies, in what's later revealed to be an accidental overdose of painkillers and anti-depressants. And yet that douchebag Canadian that wrote "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" still lives??
• Column of the month: "Hundreds" Of Steroid-Riddled Jedi Died Young, Calrissian Claims

September

Team Pac-Man

• TNA, wrestling's hotbed for young up-and-comers, puts one of the tag team championships around the waist of embattled football player Adam "Pacman" Jones. Only one problem with this otherwise brilliant plan: Pacman can't, you know, actually wrestle. But hey, that never stopped The Great Khali.
• Speaking of tag team champions that aren't cleared to compete: WWE makes titleholders out of Montel Vontavious Porter and Matt Hardy as a way to allow MVP to avoid defending his U.S. Championship while sidelined with a heart condition. Because if it's one thing that SmackDown has become known for, it's not vacating titles due to injury.
• The Undertaker returns after a mysterious disappearance and vanquishes a larger, menacing foe. In other news, water turns to ice if you freeze it.
• The shittiest lawyer ever (EVER!!!) reveals on the Titantron -- which is the way most paternity suits are decided -- that Vince McMahon's little bastard is Little Bastard.
• Batista wins WWE's World Championship for what has to be the sixtieth time. Seriously -- the last four years have seen "The Animal" either (a) holding the World Title, (b) trying to regain "his" World Title or (c) returning from injury and vowing to regain "his" World Title . And they say John Cena has become stale...
• SmackDown General Manager and former Peanut Head Theodore R. Long suffers a heart attack towards the end of his wedding ceremony to Krystal. Dude -- you were THIS CLOSE to the honeymoon -- you couldn't have held off a few more hours? As ZAH likes to say... "suck it up, princess!"
• WWE agrees to part ways with Eugene and Cryme Tyme. Who's going to perform in lame comedy sketches now? What, you think Triple H doesn't have anything better to do?
• International sex symbol Canadian Bulldog turns 34. Thanks for remembering, you stupid marks!
• Column of the month: WWE Releases "Special Edition" 2004 Royal Rumble DVD

October

Be careful what you wish for....

• Millions of fans worldwide pat their John Cena voodoo dolls approvingly after the perennial fan favorite is sidelined for several months at the hands of Mr. Kennedy. This effectively removes Cena from the WWE Title picture.
• Karma proves to be a bitch, as Randy Orton is chosen as his successor.
• TNA, wrestling's hotbed for young up-and-comers, decides to finally take the World Title away from Kurt Angle and straps it around the waist of hot rookie Sting.
• WWE finally proves that its Cyber Sunday voting is rigged, as the "fans" allegedly hand-pick The Miz as the top challenger for the ECW Title. Really? Who the hell were the other choices? Dennis Stamp? Meat? Aaron Wood?
• In a move that's considered a major boon to women's wrestling in North America, TNA establishes a Knockouts Title for its female competitors. They chose that name because the terms "Chick Title" and "Dollface Title" were already trademarked.
• In a completely unrelated development (no, really; this time it really is unrelated), TNA expands its iMPACT! show to two hours. Thankfully, Kurt Angle is there to help to fill the void that would otherwise be wasted on, you know, wrestling matches.
• Column of the month: The True Wrestling Story Of Kermit The Frog. Hey, don't blame me -- YOU STUPID MARKS VOTED FOR IT!!!

November

Tonight, on "Rock Bottom"...

• CNN produces a documentary called "Death Grip: Inside Pro Wrestling" (the original title was "Professional Wrestling: So F*cking Stupid" but then someone at CNN thought that Ted Turner might still own WCW). The producers digitally manipulated an interview with John Cena slightly to have him saying "Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on/her/sweet can.../Oh, just thinking about /her/can... I just wish I had h../sweet can/sweet/s-s-s-s-sweet can...."
• WWE finishes its viral marketing campaign, in which someone -- or possibly something -- was going to "SAVE_US.222". To everyone's shock and surprise, it turns out to be Chris Jericho, sporting his new "METRO_SEXUAL.IMG".
• Loveable stereotype Santino Marella eats a stunner after telling Stone Cold Steve Austin that his movie "The Condemned" sucks because it features a crappy plot and sub-par acting. And this guy is a heel why?
• TNA, wrestling's hotbed for young up-and-comers, features a main event involving Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Sting and incoming greenhorn sensation Booker T. Also, the tagline for their Genesis pay-per-view is "A New Breed Of Company...A New Breed Of Wrestler... A New Breed In Wrestling". They somehow forget to add "Copyright WCW, 1992".
• Chris Masters is released from his contract with WWE. The amazing thing - this was a full TWO YEARS after the Wellness Program took effect; the hell took so long? CNN didn't need to manipulate Cena's remarks; they could have just shown a picture of this douchebag and typed the words "See?" across the screen.
• Triple H and Jeff Hardy become lifelong, inseparable bff's. Until next month's PPV, that is.
• The Fabulous Moolah passes away at only 84 years young, shattering at least three of my personal fantasies.
• Column of the month: New On DVD (Or Not).

December