Suggested retail price: $0.00. Some retailers may sell for less.

And now, on to The True Wrestling Story of 2008 (part one):

January

Sucktista.

• John Cena is a surprise entrant into the 2008 Royal Rumble after battling back from a severe steroid-related injury (source: CNN). This shocks some fans, particularly the ones who had secretly hoped he was dead. Less shocking: he wins the whole damn thing and is given a free pass to the main event of WrestleMania.
• Batista complains loudly that he didn't win the Royal Rumble.
• Samoa Joe is reportedly unhappy with TNA management. Join the f*cking club.
• Ric Flair  becomes an active wrestler again, and is told by Vince McMahon that, if he wants to stay in the business, he must remain undefeated. That's pretty damn good career advice; look what it did for Tatanka.
• TNA presents its first of two Final Resolution PPV's in 2008. How can it be a final anything when you do it twice in the same year?
• Christian Cage, who earlier turned on Kurt Angle, is in turn, turned on by AJ Styles and Tomko. Wait, that didn't come out right. Captain Charisma wasn't, like, aroused by them or anything. Anyways, there was a lot of turning on people in TNA.
• Jeff Hardy dives off a scaffold or something, nailing Randy Orton... or at least, a mattress near the stage area. His title run is just around the corner now; it has to be.
• John Bradshaw Layfield leaves the safety of the broadcast booth to become an active wrestler again (insert your own Joey Styles joke here). Wait a sec... notice how Vinny Mac didn't give JBL any ultimatums when he returned to the ring... favoritism much?
• Column of the month: WWE Creates Triple H-Themed Comic Book.

  ---

Hillbilly Aaron.

• The Big Show, after a year-long layoff, makes his big return to WWE during the No Way Out pay-per-view, and promptly gets his nose broken by Floyd "Money" Mayweather. In other news: the hell?
• Petey Williams completes his transformation from X Division standout to Scott Steiner lackey Maple Leaf Muscle. I'm Canadian and even I hated the gimmick....
• WWE pulls a "Lockdown" and busts out the Elimination Chamber (which sounds like a fancy name for 'toilet') not once, but twice during the same pay-per-view. To everyone's shock and surprise, the winners are Triple H for Raw and The Undertaker for SmackDown.
• Batista complains loudly that he didn't win his chamber match.
• Ric Flair is the first inductee into WWE's 2008 Hall of Fame class. Jim Ross, content that his prediction of The Nature Boy as a "guaranteed Hall of Famer" has come to fruition, focuses his attention on Randy Savage.
• A bunch of crap happened in Mexico (source: ZAH).
• Maria poses in Playboy magazine. In a related story, TNA's Angelina Love poses in Skanks Quarterly.
• Column of the month: The True Wrestling Story Of James Guttman.

March

It's the Alllllll-tim-ate Woodior!

• "Nature Boy" Ric Flair caps off an incredible career spanning sixteen World Championships, seven decades, twenty-two presidents, 94 Horsemen, and 3,212 Lex Luger heel turns. He does business the right way before retiring, putting over young up-and-comer Shawn Michaels.
• Judas Mesias leaves TNA after, what, three matches? So glad I invested six months of viewing time into that storyline...
• Batista complains loudly that Friday Night SmackDown is the superior brand during his mini-feud with Umaga (real name: Benjamin T. Umaga).
• Jeff Hardy is suspended by WWE for a wellness violation, which a certain wrestling news website can't resist mentioning every chance they get ("At a house show in Duluth, Minnesota tonight, Jeff Hardy -- who was suspended in March for a wellness violation -- defeated Shelton Bejamin by disqualification. Way to go, stoner.").
• During the course of his feud with Tennessee Cowboy James Storm, Rhino admits that he comes from a family of alcoholics and can't be around beer. How come that same wrestling website doesn't mention HIS demons every chance they get? Hmmmm...
• The Undertaker realizes his boyhood dream of winning at WrestleMania, going over noted catchphrase stealer (yeah, I still haven't gotten past that) Edge for the World Heavyweight Title. Dreams really do come true sometimes!
• In other WrestleMania news: John Cena and Triple H both lose a key match, while CM Punk wins his. Wait.... that must be a typo.
• Column of the month: How To Make Your Own WWE Ice Cream Bars (A Canadian Bulldog Tutorial).

April

The Aarontaker.

May

Whatcha gonna do, when Suckamania runs wild on you???

• Rolling Stone magazine reports that Ashley Massaro once worked for a Los Angeles escort agency. Massaro said the rumors weren't true, and then disappears off the face of the earth. You can't blame WWE from distancing themselves from her; they've tried so hard to stay out of the public spotlight.
• Vince McMahon promises to give away $1 million each week on Raw to random viewers.
• Roxxi Leveaux (real name: Roxxi Loewenfarb) is shaved bald at the conclusion of a "makeover" battle royal, fulfilling at least three of my personal fantasies.
• Batista complains loudly about Shawn Michaels faking an injury to gain an advantage in their match.
• William Regal violates WWE's wellness program and is suspended after losing to Mr. Kennedy, A certain wrestling website can't help but bring it up ("William Regal was suspended this week, joining that druggie Jeff Hardy....")
• The Undertaker is stripped of the World Heavyweight Title for using a banned move. Memphis Wrestling from 1983 called; they want their gimmick back. 
• Kurt Angle is unable to compete in a three-way TNA "World" Title match at Sacrifice against Samoa Joe and Scott Steiner, so he's replaced by Kaz. That's hardly a "suitable replacement". That's.... that's.... that's like booking Stone Cold Steve Austin versus The Rock for WrestleMania, and then when The Rock fails to show up, replacing him with Kaz.
• Column of the month: The True Wrestling Story of Dusty Rhodes.

June