It's been more than seven months since my last True Wrestling Story here on World Wrestling Insanity, so I figured I'm about due... given that the banner above this sentence reads "Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories". Also, I couldn't think of anything better to write about this week.
This actually isn't even a TWS, in the traditional sense (but for taxation purposes, let's say it is and be done with it). In reality, it's a look back at the year that was. The first six months of 2008 will be presented this week, and the last six months will be presented at an undetermined point in the future (okay, fine - next week).
Oh, and lieu of those "hilarious" TWS graphics you stupid marks all know and love, I am providing selected pages from the brand new:
Suggested retail price: $0.00. Some retailers may sell for less.
And now, on to The True Wrestling Story of 2008 (part one):
January
Sucktista.
John Cenais a surprise entrant into the 2008 Royal Rumble after battling back from a severe steroid-related injury (source: CNN). This shocks some fans, particularly the ones who had secretly hoped he was dead. Less shocking: he wins the whole damn thing and is given a free pass to the main event of WrestleMania.
Batista complains loudly that he didn't win the Royal Rumble.
Samoa Joeis reportedly unhappy with TNA management. Join the f*cking club.
Ric Flairbecomes an active wrestler again, and is told by Vince McMahon that, if he wants to stay in the business, he must remain undefeated. That's pretty damn good career advice; look what it did for Tatanka.
TNA presents its first of two Final Resolution PPV's in 2008. How can it be a final anything when you do it twice in the same year?
Christian Cage, who earlier turned on Kurt Angle, is in turn, turned on by AJ Styles and Tomko. Wait, that didn't come out right. Captain Charisma wasn't, like, aroused by them or anything. Anyways, there was a lot of turning on people in TNA.
Jeff Hardy dives off a scaffold or something, nailing Randy Orton... or at least, a mattress near the stage area. His title run is just around the corner now; it has to be.
John Bradshaw Layfieldleaves the safety of the broadcast booth to become an active wrestler again (insert your own Joey Styles joke here). Wait a sec... notice how Vinny Mac didn't give JBL any ultimatums when he returned to the ring... favoritism much?
The Big Show, after a year-long layoff, makes his big return to WWE during the No Way Out pay-per-view, and promptly gets his nose broken by Floyd "Money" Mayweather. In other news: the hell?
Petey Williams completes his transformation from X Division standout to Scott Steiner lackey Maple Leaf Muscle. I'm Canadian and even I hated the gimmick....
WWE pulls a "Lockdown" and busts out the Elimination Chamber (which sounds like a fancy name for 'toilet') not once, but twice during the same pay-per-view. To everyone's shock and surprise, the winners are Triple H for Raw and The Undertaker for SmackDown.
Batista complains loudly that he didn't win his chamber match.
Ric Flair is the first inductee into WWE's 2008 Hall of Fame class. Jim Ross, content that his prediction of The Nature Boy as a "guaranteed Hall of Famer" has come to fruition, focuses his attention on Randy Savage.
A bunch of crap happened in Mexico (source: ZAH).
Maria poses in Playboy magazine. In a related story, TNA's Angelina Love poses in Skanks Quarterly.
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair caps off an incredible career spanning sixteen World Championships, seven decades, twenty-two presidents, 94 Horsemen, and 3,212 Lex Luger heel turns. He does business the right way before retiring, putting over young up-and-comer Shawn Michaels.
Judas Mesias leaves TNA after, what, three matches? So glad I invested six months of viewing time into that storyline...
Batista complains loudly that Friday Night SmackDown is the superior brand during his mini-feud with Umaga (real name: Benjamin T. Umaga).
Jeff Hardy is suspended by WWE for a wellness violation, which a certain wrestling news website can't resist mentioning every chance they get ("At a house show in Duluth, Minnesota tonight, Jeff Hardy -- who was suspended in March for a wellness violation -- defeated Shelton Bejamin by disqualification. Way to go, stoner.").
During the course of his feud with Tennessee Cowboy James Storm, Rhino admits that he comes from a family of alcoholics and can't be around beer. How come that same wrestling website doesn't mention HIS demons every chance they get? Hmmmm...
The Undertaker realizes his boyhood dream of winning at WrestleMania, going over noted catchphrase stealer (yeah, I still haven't gotten past that) Edge for the World Heavyweight Title. Dreams really do come true sometimes!
In other WrestleMania news: John Cena and Triple H both lose a key match, while CM Punk wins his. Wait.... that must be a typo.
In what can easily can be considered WWE's dumbest move to date, they saddle second-generation grappler Harry Smith with the unfortunate nickname of "Canadian Bulldog". Which by the way, was kind of already taken. Thankfully, WWE comes to its senses and caves in shortly after I gave them an ultimatum. (Seriously. How else do you explain them writing him off television almost immediately thereafter?)
Samoa Joe wins the TNA "World" Title from Kurt Angle, only two years after it would have actually meant something to the promotion. But hey, at least it happened in an MMA-themed contest instead of in, you know, a wrestling match.
Because ECW hadn't veered quite far enough away from Paul Heyman's original concept for the promotion, Joey Styles is replaced in the announcer's booth by Mike Adamle. Hopefully this is as involved as Adamle gets into WWE storylines.
Batista complains loudly about Shawn Michaels retiring Ric Flair.
Badstreet, USA's favorite son, Michael P.S. Hayes, is suspended for 60 days by WWE for making "inappropriate" remarks to Mark Henry. Said remarks were apparently "How the f*ck do you still work for this company?!?".
2008 King of the Ring and Raw General Manager William Regal helps WWE cut down on monthly expenses and save energy by turning off the house lights at random intervals.
Matt Hardy defeats MVP for the United States Championship, ending their 27 year feud. A certain wrestling website celebrates the victory by referring to Matt as "the brother of that pothead Jeff."
Whatcha gonna do, when Suckamania runs wild on you???
Rolling Stone magazine reports that Ashley Massaro once worked for a Los Angeles escort agency. Massaro said the rumors weren't true, and then disappears off the face of the earth. You can't blame WWE from distancing themselves from her; they've tried so hard to stay out of the public spotlight.
Vince McMahon promises to give away $1 million each week on Raw to random viewers.
Roxxi Leveaux (real name: Roxxi Loewenfarb) is shaved bald at the conclusion of a "makeover" battle royal, fulfilling at least three of my personal fantasies.
Batista complains loudly about Shawn Michaels faking an injury to gain an advantage in their match.
William Regal violates WWE's wellness program and is suspended after losing to Mr. Kennedy, A certain wrestling website can't help but bring it up ("William Regal was suspended this week, joining that druggie Jeff Hardy....")
The Undertaker is stripped of the World Heavyweight Title for using a banned move. Memphis Wrestling from 1983 called; they want their gimmick back.
Kurt Angle is unable to compete in a three-way TNA "World" Title match at Sacrifice against Samoa Joe and Scott Steiner, so he's replaced by Kaz. That's hardly a "suitable replacement". That's.... that's.... that's like booking Stone Cold Steve Austin versus The Rock for WrestleMania, and then when The Rock fails to show up, replacing him with Kaz.
Chris Jericho accuses Shawn Michaels of being a selfish, egotistical jerk who manipulates the fans by playing on their emotions. Wait, this is supposed to turn Jericho heel?
TNA crew worker Kevin Sinex tragically dies after a scaffold collapses on the weekend of the Slammiversary pay-per-view. Oddly enough, they don't use the incident to somehow put over Kurt Angle.
Batista complains loudly about switching brands during the annual draft lottery. Also on the move: Jim Ross, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy Umaga, Mr. Kennedy, Rey Mysterio, Michael Cole, Snitsky, Triple H, CM Punk and, well, pretty much everyone else in WWE.
Kane loses the ECW Championship to Mark Henry after... whoa, whoa, whoa... since when did Kane become ECW Champion?
Cody Rhodes and Bob Holly lose the World Tag Team Championships to the team of Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Even though DiBiase had yet to wrestle a televised match, I'd still say Rhodes was trading up.
"Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and So Cal Val get married on pay-per-view without a hitch. Well, except that the only guests showing up were George "The Animal" Steele, Kamala and Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Also the fact that Kamala SO didn't choose from the china pattern the couple had registered for. Also the fact that Jay's best man Sonjay Dutt declared his love for Val. Also the fact that the wedding didn't take place.
Vince McMahon allegedly dies during the conclusion of a "special" three-hour Raw. 2007 called; they want their storyline back.
Next week: the second half of 2008, plus more pages from the 2009 "Aaron Wood Sucks" calendar. Happy New Year!
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanityand has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers.
