And now, on to The True Wrestling Story of 2008 (part two):

July

The Suck... Is.... HEE-YAH!

• CM Punk (real name: CS Punk) cashes in his Money In The Bank title opportunity and defeats Edge for the World Heavyweight Title in near-record time. (This development happened - technically - in June, but I blame Aaron Wood for last week's omission.) Millions of stupid marks worldwide rejoice, thinking that the equipment that fell on Vince McMahon's head last month during Million Dollar McMania "must have finally knocked some sense into him."
• In the esteemed tradition of wrestling weddings (Edge/Lita, Triple H/Stephanie McMahon, Uncle Elmer/Mrs. Hillbilly, Billy/Chuck), the nupitals between Edge and Vickie Guerrero (a/k/a "Vedge") encounter a minor glitch. It seems as though the Rated R Superstar was busy the night before doing the wedding planner. How did the cameras catch that? That damned GTV is everywhere!
• Shane McMahon selects quasi-announcer Mike Adamle to lead wrestling's flagship television program. In other news, hell freezes over.
• Singing cowboy Trevor Murdoch amicably agrees to part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. He's wished the best in future endeavors, although for some reason, he's not allowed to bring his name, gimmick or wrestling trunks home with him.
• WWE finally realizes what's missing from its unique vision of ECW: a Tony Atlas heel turn. 
• Robert Roode and James Storm form a team known as Beer Money Inc. Somewhere, Irwin R. Shyster is rolling over in his grave.
• Shelton Benjamin wins the United States title, and is promptly never heard from again.
• TNA "World" Champion Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash tease dissention in what, by wrestling standards, would normally be a rock-solid alliance.
• Column of the month: World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: NWA, TNA, NWA and MORE!!!

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  August

  Nature Wood.

  
  
  • "Nature Boy" Ric Flair ends a seven-year relationship with WWE so that he can pursue lucrative outside wrestling projects, such as speaking engagments with the North Carolina Dairy Queen Employees Union, "dream matches" on the indy circuit against the likes of Tito Santana and Balls Mahoney, and appearing in Mexico under a hood as El Anciano Loco ("The Crazy Old Man").
  • TNA crosses the line, presenting at their unfortunately-named "Hard Justice" PPV: a six-woman tag team match, a combined tuxedo/chain match, a last man standing match, a New Jersey street fight, and a combined steel cage/weapons match. Expected at Hard Justice '09: A Judy Bagwell-on-a-pole match.
  • Batista complains loudly about a storyline that includes him winning the World Tag Team Titles and then, a few weeks later, defeating John Cena cleanly in the main event of SummerSlam. Apparently, what he really wanted was to defeat Cena, Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, Edge, Chris Jericho and A Busload Of Disadvantaged Schoolchildren in a handicap match..
  • The union between Santino Marella and Glamazon Beth Phoenix is now known as Glamarella, edging out the proposed name I had for a union between myself and WWE's Maria ("Dogaria").
  • Stevie Richards, The Highlanders, Jonathan "Coach" Coachman, Shannon Moore, Nunzio, Cherry, Colin Delaney, Nick Patrick, Big Daddy V, Mike Rickard favorite Braden Walker and Domino agree to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. They're wished the best in future endeavors. All 75 of them.
  • Kane, in a rare bad storyline, asks people "Is he alive or is he dead?"  Turns out  The Big Red Monster kidnapped Rey Mysterio and stole his mask. So long as you preface the words "kidnapped Rey Mysterio and stole his mask" with the word "didn't".
  • Kofi Kingston loses the Intercontinental Championship, putting Americo-Jamaicinian relations at an all time low. As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's, the U.S. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Jamaican culture.  For some bizarre reason, the Jamaicans thought this would be a permanent thing.  Of course, it wasn't.
  • Gail Kim leaves TNA. She should be showing up in WWE any day now...
  • During his (cough, cough) retirement announcement, Shawn Michaels and former Nitro Girl Whisper (Nitro Girl Fyre wasn't available) are confronted by Chris Jericho. Jericho "accidentally" punches Mrs. Michaels in the mush, and is congratulated for some reason by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

  (We here at World Wrestling Insanity do not condone domestic violence in any form. If you were offended by the preceding joke, please do not hesitate to contact this website, care of Aaron Wood. Thank you.)

  • TNA "World" Champion Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash tease dissention in what, by wrestling standards, would normally be a rock-solid alliance.
  • Charlie Haas impersonates Carlito on an episode of Monday Night Raw. That was a great one-off joke; hopefully the first-ever Radio Free Insanity guest will move on to something else now...
  • Column of the month: World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: Mr. McMahon, Mr. Ass, Mr. Socko and MORE!!!

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    September

    The Showsucker.

    
    
    • Hardcore Legend Mick Foley agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment and join Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. So instead of Vince McMahon screaming in his ear, he now has Don West and Mike Tenay screaming in everyone's ear.
    • TNA claims to hold a pay-per-view in Canadian Bulldog's hometown of Toronto, when it's actually held in Oshawa (population: who the f*ck cares?), a mere 45 minute drive from Toronto. Next year, look for TNA to hold major events in London, England (a/k/a Orlando) and New York City (a/k/a Orlando).
    • Randy Orton, along with Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Manu (real name: Manoo) injure CM Punk in a backstage segment, paving the way for a revamped version of Chris Jericho to win the World Heavyweight Title. I'll bet Punk wishes he'd participated instead in a backstage skit of the "hilarious" variety; one that no doubt would have involved Mae Young. Cryme Tyme and The Boogeyman.
    • TNA "World" Champion Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash tease dissention in what, by wrestling standards, would normally be a rock-solid alliance.
    • John Cena suffers a severe Batista-related injury and will be out for at least a year, or whenever they need him back again by.
    • The daughter of Ric Flair is arrested for assaulting a police officer, in an event that includes the Nature Boy and daughter Ashley's boyfriend. Instinctively, all three began bleeding profusely from their foreheads and begging off the cops.
    • Carlito begins teaming up with younger brother Primo, and they soon win the WWE Tag Team Titles from Whoever The Hell Was Holding Them At The Time. If you ask me, the two brothers could have had a great run as The Colons, battling The Dicks and The Johnsons for unmentionable body-part supremacy.
    • Sonjay Dutt wins So Cal Val's hand in marriage in a ladder match against Jay Lethal, the same way I won the hand of my ex-wife. I'm just kidding: in my case, it was a ladder match against Shark Boy.
    • WWE has three Championship Scrambles at Unforgiven. I can barely finish one of those, even when I'm really hungry.
    • Matt Hardy realizes his boyhood dream of winning a championship belt that no one else probably wanted anyways.
    • Canadian Bulldog turns 35. Thanks for all the gifts and cards, you heartless bastards.
    • Column of the month: So You Wanna Book TNA? The (Un)Official Quiz.

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October

Aaron Michelle.

• Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling debuts on CMT, reducing the number of "Reba" reruns on the network to only six per day, and "You're a jabroni, get out my ring!" joins "Is he alive or is he dead?" as the most popular catchphrases of 2008. Over the course of eight episodes, more people will watch the likes of Screech, Todd Bridges and Tiffany wrestle than will ever watch Ring Of Honor.
• Cryme Tyme successfully work an Internet-based angle against The Miz and John Morrison, so much so that their tag match is voted in overwhelmingly by you stupid marks at the Cyber Sunday PPV. Vince Russo is heard screaming "I KNEW IT!".
• Heaven needed a jobber: S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones passes away at the age of 63. Hey, if ever anyone was used to being buried....
• The Big Show defeats The Undertaker via knockout from a series of punches. There's no way Taker will come back from this and bury Show a month later as if the whole thing never happened.
• Scott Hall goes ballistic at a New Jersey area roast for The Iron Shiek when comedian Jimmy Graham pokes fun at the late Owen Hart. Good thing he didn't bust out the Chris Benoit jokes...
• Lance Cade agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. Chris Jericho's former life partner left the promotion after engaging in a "war of words" with Jim Ross, at least according to people to like to glean material from Club WWI and then NEVER GET THE INFORMATION RIGHT!
• TNA "World" Champion Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash tease dissention in... oh, wait. Nash actually turned heel this time. Also, Joe is no longer champion, dropping the strap to young up and comer Sting.
• In a match between "The Greatest Intercontinental Champion Of All Time" and "The Greatest Intercontinental Champion For All The Times", The Honky Tonk Man defeats Santino Marella by DQ in, like, eight seconds. WWI superstar ZAH gives the bout 5 stars.
• Hulk-a-Son Nick Hogan is released from prison after putting some jabroni on life support. The system works! 
• TNA introduces the "Legends" Championship. Booker T wins a grueling four week, 64-man tournament, upending 'other' legends such as Harley Race, Ric Flair,  Bruno Sammartino, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, Verne Gagne, Hulk Hogan and "Superstar" Billy Graham for the honor.
• The Great Khali feuds with Johnny Knoxville (real name: Johnny Memphis) over the size of Khali's "taliwacker", which leads to Khali turning face. and kissing ugly women, and WHAT THE HELL DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING?!?
• Goodbye, Funaki. Say hello to Kung Fu Naki.
• Column of the month: Separated At Birth?

November

Suckdown vs. Raw

• Armando Allejandro Estrada, Chuck Palumbo, Elijah Burke, Kenny Dykstra, Lena Yada, Paul London and Super Crazy agree to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. In a related story, who or what in the blue hell is a "Lena Yada"?
• Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Booker T, Scott Steiner and Sting create a new stable known as The Main Event Mafia. This is largely because they weren't allowed to use their first choice for a stable name: nWo Really Old.
• Mike Adamle has another Adamle Original, this one being: he shouldn't have been cast in a starring role in any wrestling promotion. Ever.
• EVER!!! 
• John Cena makes a triumphant return to the business for the first time in almost two months and defeats Chris Jericho for the WWE Title. Not only is the Champ "HEE-YAH!", he never leaves for long, either.
• In a change from the tired "commissioner", "general manager", "owner" and "president" angles that have defined wrestling's figurehead authorities for years, Mick Foley becomes TNA's "executive shareholder". Sigh...
• Hours before his match against Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov (real name: Vladimir Fu Naki), Jeff Hardy is reportedly found passed out in the stairwell of his hotel room. News outlets worldwide choose this exact moment to treat everything written on wwe.com as gospel. In a related story, factions break out at the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company when Michael Scott declares a surplus in the office's budget (source: nbc.com).
• With Hardy injured or on drugs or something, Edge cashes in on his Money In The Bank title opportunity - orrrr, something - to defeat Triple H and Kozlov and win the WWE Title.
• Column of the month: World Wrestling Insanity RETRO Breaking News: Hogan, Hart, Horsemen and MORE!!!

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  December

  The Age Of Suck.

  
  

• Jeff Hardy realizes his boyhood dream of being painted as a hopeless stoner and then winning a championship belt to compensate for said humiliation.
• Snitsky agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. It wasn't... his... FAULT!
• Joining "Is he alive or is he dead?", "You're a jabroni, get out of my ring!" and "YES WE CAN!" as popular 2008 catchphrases: "F*ck Eric Young!" We can thank ZAH for this addition to the English language. 
• The Main Event Mafia (a/k/a nWo) defeat the TNA Frontline (a/k/a WCW) in the main event of Final Resolution. Look for the same result to be repeated numerous times throughout 2009.
• Michelle McCool turns on Maria. Hogan-Orndorff, it ain't.
• Hulk Hogan finds the next big wrestling celebrity, awarding the CCW Heavyweight Title to Dennis Rodman, who had already appeared in several pay-per-view main events in the 1990's. Who the hell is running this show - Eric Bischoff?
• Bruce Pritchard (real name: Brother Love) agrees to amicably part ... oh come on, people! Read between the lines! He was fired!
• A string of unnecessary murders occur when loyal readers take author James Guttman's advice literally, as they shoot first and ask questions later. A far less violent result occurs when fans recall wrestling's greatest moments with Mike Rickard or read nutty letters courtesy of Canadian Bulldog (hey... three shameless WWI book plugs in one convenient bullet point!)
• Column of the month: Bulldog's Bookshelf (debut installment)