We'll take care of the first six months today, and the next six months next week. And now.... get ready for The True Wrestling Story of 2009 (Part One).

January

The Suck-o-matic Enigma

• World Wrestling Entertainment (motto: "Not to be confused with them crazy kids at World Wrestling Insanity") pits brother against brother when Matt Hardy turns on Jeff Hardy at the Royal Rumble. A nation of 15 year-old fangrrlz mourn as they burn their neon armbands in protest.

• Total Nonstop Action wrestling (motto: "Not unlike a WCW tribute band") features a pay-per-view main event of Mick Foley, AJ Styles and Brother Devon against Booker T, Kip James and Scott Steiner. No offense, but I could have come up with a better six-man tag match by repeatedly mashing the wrestler selection buttons on my SmackDown vs. Raw video game.

• Royal Rumble winner Randy Orton punts WWE Chairman Vince McMahon in the head. This makes him a heel.... how?

• WWE releases Bam Neely. I think I speak for most wrestling fans when I say "Who?"

• Shawn Michaels is the latest victim of the recession and becomes an employee of John Bradshaw Layfield. Because that was such a shrewd career move for Orlando Jordan and The Basham Brothers.

• Alex Shelley wins the vacant X Division Championship. In a related story, there's apparently still an X Division in TNA.

• Actor Mickey Rourke ("You may remember me from such films as Barfly and Angel Heart...") challenges Chris Jericho to a wrestling match. Who the hell does he think he is -- Zeus?

• WWE finally releases Bob Holly from his contract. In a related story, hell freezes over.

• Matt Morgan turns on Abyss, satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsensical turn each month.

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: WWE Agrees To Part Ways With Everyone

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: The virtual Royal Rumble (Jan. 20)

• Kurt Angle and Sting feud for the position of Main Event Mafia "Godfather", satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsenical turn each month.

• Christian finally makes his return to WWE and due to the fans demands, is inserted into the red-hot storyline involving Edge, Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy. And by "Edge, Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy", we mean Jack Swagger. And by "WWE", we mean ECW.

• American Wrestling Association icon Verne Gagne makes headlines, accidentally killing 97 year-old resident Helmut Gutmann (hmm, that name sounds awfully familiar) during a nursing home skirmish. The most shocking part? Gagne is obviously still refusing to put over younger talent.

• WWE presents not one but two Elimination Chamber main events at its No Way Out pay-per-view, allowing Edge to lose one world championship and gain another by night's end. Triple H is heard muttering "Sure, when I try that, I come off as a jerk, but when he does that...."

• Randy Orton beats up both Stephanie and Shane McMahon, and is still booed for some reason.

• WWE releases second-generation superstar Manu. WHAT? Don't they realize he was the glue that held the team of Manu and Sim Snuka together???

• The prestigious TNA Legends Title is decided during a pay-per-view bout between Booker T and wrestling referee Shane Sewell. Nothing I could add to this bullet point could possibly make it funnier.

• After winning his 13th worlds championship, Triple H reveals to fans that he's still married to Stephanie McMahon. Wait.... slow down, Maestro - they're married in real life???

• Chris Jericho gets his revenge on Mickey Rourke by going after Rick Steamboat, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Ric Flair. Apparently Pat Patterson, Baron Von Raschke, Dory Funk Jr. and The Crusher were busy.

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: Publicist: "Heath Ledger Will Not Fight At WrestleMania"

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: The Big Rybowski and The Liz travel to Scotland to call out Aaron Wood (Feb. 19)

March

Warning: Prolonged viewing of this photo WILL cause blindness, nausea, and/or paralysis.

• WWE sex symbol Vickie Guerrero is discovered by John Cena to be cheating on her husband Edge with The Big Show, and ..... sorry, I can't get past how gross the above photograph is. Ewewewewewewewewew! 

• WWE holds its 25th WrestleMania spectacular, which includes highlights such as John Bradshaw Layfield "quitting" the company (yeah right; he'll be back in six weeks under a hood) and Mickey Rourke "punching" Chris Jericho. I mean, seriously.... I've seen more realistic punches thrown at an SWA TV taping (a maximum of two people reading this will get that reference). It was so bad that Jackie Gayda went up to Rourke afterwards and said "Dude, that looked really fake."

• Madison Rayne turns on Sarah Palin and aligns herself with The Beautiful People, satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsensical turn each month, and... whoa whoa whoa, wait.... SARAH PALIN???

• Stone Cold Steve Austin makes it into the WWE Hall of Fame (WHAT?) So does Terry and Dory Funk. (WHAT?) And Ricky Steamboat (WHAT?) Not to mention The Von Erichs, Bill Watts and Howard Finkel (WHAT?) Also Koko B. Ware (WHAT THE F*CK???)

• Triple H invades Randy Orton's house and trashes the place. Orton finally gets what it feels like to be a hotel owner at all those places he's stayed in over the years.

• "I'm The Boogeyman, and I'm comin' to get.... unemployment insurance!"

• Andrew Martin fails life's biggest Test, while Steven is Dunn. Yes, that was my semi-clever yet heartless way of saying they went to that big elimination chamber in the sky....

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: De Niro to Play Vince McMahon in New Film

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: CAUB The Musical (March 5)

April

Suck Foley

• Mrs. Foley's baby boy captures the TNA "World" Title. Yes - the last six months I'd invested in that whole "Mick Foley as executive shareholder" storyline finally pays off! Oh, wait - it didn't pay off at all.

• A blockbuster draft lottery sees Monday Night Raw gain superstars including Triple H, The Big Show, MVP, Mr. Kennedy, The Miz and Maryse. SmackDown lands red-hot John Morrison, C.M. Punk, Chris Jericho, Kane, Dolph Ziggler and Cryme Tyme, among others. ECW gets.... um.... I believe the word I'm looking for is "bupkus".

• "Playboy" Buddy Rose is taken away to the big Blow-Away Diet in the sky. You were too beautiful for this world.

• And the annual "Did Russo Book This Crap?" award goes to Randy Orton winning the WWE title... during a six-man tag team match.

• Mick Foley begins feuding with Jeff Jarrett, satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsensical turn each month.

• Tabloid newspapers have a field day when the celebrity couple known as Glamarella splits! "I knew they couldn't last," said one close friend to the two, who swears she saw Santino Marella canoodling with Miss WrestleMania Santina Marella at a posh nightclub recently.

• The Big Show, sick of John Cena hogging the spotlight, throws John Cena into.... um, well, a spotlight.

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: WWE meets Dr. Seuss (and if you don't pack up laughing at the sight of "Mr. Flair Can Woooo, Can You?" then you're just not human).

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Bulldog and Bulldog Jr. interview Randy Savage and The Rock (April 11).

May

One windbag photoshopped onto another windbag.

• Mr. Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) is released (REEEEE-LEASED!), allowing him to spend more time pursuing his real passion: making smarmy YouTube videos. By the way,  when does that 90-day no-complete clause expire again?

• Yours truly makes WWI history, delivering the first semi-real-time Raw recap and Twitter simulcast ever!

• EVER!!!

• Abyss turns on Dr. Stevie, satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsensical turn each month.

• Batista and Randy Orton are bound by a strict "no touching" policy. I think it was funnier when they did that bit on Arrested Development.

• Chris Jericho is obsessed with finding out what's behind Rey Mysterio's mask. If only he'd waited a few months until his book, Rey Mysterio: Behind The Mask, was published...

• "The Golden Greek" John Tolos blows his coach's whistle for the last time.

• The prestigious Miss WrestleMania title is decided during a match between overweight Raw General Manager Vickie Guerrero and Santino Marella wearing drag. Nothing I could add to this bullet point could possibly make it funnier.

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: Kamala Image Found On Pancake In Florida.

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: James Guttman forces Bulldog to scale back the CAUB budget (May 22).

June

Suck-moa Joe

• Samoa Joe (real name: Samoa Joseph) turns on The TNA Frontline and sides with The Main Event Mafia, satisfying TNA's contractual obligation to showcase at least one nonsensical turn each month.

• Tommy Dreamer wins the ECW Title. Hey.... 1997 called, they want their storyline back.

• The Miz mocks John Cena's clothing, moveset and acting ability. That's a pretty rich card for him to play.

• Jeff "[26] days since last drug infraction" Hardy regains the World Title, only to lose it to C.M. Punk, like, 12 seconds later.

• WWE releases Candice Michelle after the former Playmate allegedly gains weight. So, wait.... they only wanted her for her physical appearance?

• Raw General Manager Vickie Guerrero quits, and is prompty dumped by her husband Edge. So, wait..... he only wanted her for her power?

• Legendary WWF announcer Billy Red Lyons passes on. Don'cha dare miss him!

• Chris Jericho and Edge (Edgicho? Jerichedge?) beat The Colons to win the Undisputed Tag Team Titles. The last time I beat a colon, I ended up in the hospital.

• TNA rookie sensation Jeff Jarrett mysteriously disappears from company programming. Not sure what his Angle is, but I'm sure he was busy Karen for someone's ex-wife.

• Former WrestleMania headliner Donald Trump purchases Monday Night Raw. He sells it back to Vince McMahon one week later. If THAT doesn't say something about the quality of the product....

• World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News item of the month: Batista Injures Self During Surgery

• Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Bulldog broadcasts from a men's room stall in the train station (June 24). 

And that brings us to the second half of 2009. Be sure to tune in next week - same Bulldog time; same Bulldog channel.

WorldWrestlingInsanity.com is not affiliated with any wrestling promotion.