Happy New Year! Or, as we like to call it in the wrestling biz.... Happy Storyline Reset!
Last week, as you stupid marks no doubt remember, we covered off the first six months of the year. And now -- as Batista said to the WWE Diva -- let's finish 'er off already and move on!
Once again, this TWS is being furnished with "sneak peek" photographs from the brand-spanking new:
And now, on to The True Wrestling Story of 2009.
July
Aaron Orton, flanked by two people who don't suck.
World Wrestling Entertainment (motto: "What the world is watching. Or at least, was watching 10 years ago..."), responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H.
Total Nonstop Action (motto: "Now with 25 % more Russo") signs former WWE star and ECW Champion Bobby Lashley. A full three months after he first appeared on screen in TNA at the conclusion of a pay-per-view main event.
TNA also hires former WWE star and ECW Champion Taz (real name: Phil Tazzington), who appears as the mentor for Samoa Joe. Because apparently having Joe alter his entire look, demeanor, and aligning himself with The Main Event Mafia wasn't enough of a gimmick change.
Vince "My Ass Can Do Tricks" McMahon decides to appoint a guest host to Monday Night Raw every week. This can only mean good things for Chavo Guerrero, who has just begun a program with Hornswoggle.
Chris Jericho and The Big Show join forces as Jerishow. Apparently, their first choice of team name (Bigicho) didn't have the same mainstream appeal.
Jeff Jarrett, who was sent home from TNA the previous month, is reportedly giving the ol' slapnuts to Karen Angle.
Raw guest host "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase organizes a main event match for his Million Dollar Son Ted DiBiase. And yet when Vince, Verne Gagne, Dusty Rhodes or Bill Watts used to do that, they were vilified.
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Canadian Bulldog vs. James Guttman, live (seriously!) from New York's Madison Square Garden (July 1).
August
Hi. My name is Aaron Woodgler.
SummerSlam, once one of wrestling's premier events, features Dolph Effing Ziggler in an Intercontinental Title match. The hell?
Jeff Hardy finishes up with World Wrestling Entertainment to pursue his true passion: breaking the law.
Raw guest host Jeremy Piven turns on John Cena and tries to hit him with a flying bodypress. If only Ari Gold had tried a stunt like that, maybe Vinnie Chase would be a bigger star by now.
D-Generation X reunites. Because the first 80 times weren't enough.
TNA "World" Champion Kurt Angle is arrested after allegedly stalking girlfriend Rhaka Khan at a Starbucks, after Khan had filed a protection order against him. Police also find a syringe filled with HGH in Angle's car. Someone obviously forgot about the Three I's.
World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
XFL Original Ricky Ortiz is released by World Wrestling Entertainment. What's more amazing is that he was employed by them for an entire year.
Raw guest host Dusty Rhodes swerves DX by siding with Legacy, then is attacked by group leader Randy Orton. Now that's what I call a Dusty Finish.
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: The debut of the hit song "SummerSlam '89" (August 16).
September
Linda Suckmahon
Linda McMahon agrees to part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. She's wished well in future endeavors. Fans expect her to show up in TNA or ROH once her no-compete clause expires.
In honor of MY birthday, WWE selects future Mrs. Bulldog Trish Stratus to return to Raw as guest host. Well, it was technically two days after my b-day, but I still appreciate the sentiment....
World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
The Phenomenal A.J. Styles wins the TNA "World" Championship at No Surrender, as one of the company's original stars is poised to become the focus of the entire promotion. Or at least.... he won the title.
WWE hosts its first-ever Breaking Point pay-per-view, which features submission-only matches for its main events. Coming next month: A pay-per-view where all the matches ends with bodyslams, or holds that start with the letter "R".
Rey Mysterio drops the Intercontinental Title to John Morrison, which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with his recent Wellness Policy violation.
Former Price Is Right host Bob Barker surprises many Raw viewers when he displays more charisma, mic skills and wrestling ability in the year 2009 than Ric Flair does.
A world title match between The Undertaker and C.M. Punk concludes with a Survivor Series-style screwjob ending. Because WWE hasn't whipped that finish out for, what, a whole year?
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Oh, You Didn't Know? (September 14)
October
Chris Aaronicho
Lifelong Mickey Rourke nemesis Chris Jericho wins bragging rights at, well, Bragging Rights, proving that SmackDown is the superior WWE brand. Wait.... that doesn't sound right...
There goes the money: Shane McMahon announces he's leaving WWE at year-end. I'd be shocked if we don't get Shane and Linda versus Vince and Stephanie at WrestleMania 26.
Captain Lou Albano passes on at the age of 76. Great - you mind telling me who's going to take care of George "The Animal" Steelenow?
TNA's annual Bound For Glory PPV is subtitled "The Final Curtain?". It's unclear whether this is in reference to the already-semi-retired Sting, or the promotion itself.
World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
And along those lines.... The Undertaker regains the World Championship. Because he apparently needs a belt to get over more than C.M. Punk does.
Kurt Angle turns face, proving that nice guys with restraining orders filed against them really do finish last.
Batista becomes a heel after whining about his spot in the company and overall lack of title opportunities. In other words, doing exactly what he's been doing for years.
WWE shakes things up by announcing a multi-brand trade involving most of the Divas. Call me sexist if you must, but I have still no clue who is on which show.
Top independent wrestling prospect Nigel McGuinness finally makes his television debut, months after signing with WWE. Unfortunately for them, the debut is with TNA.
Jamaican Me Marketable: Kofi Kingston loses his phony Jamaican accent and gets an immediate push. Conclusion: WWE is racist!
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Bulldog, The Big Rybowski and The Liz welcome special guest co-host "Boner" from Growing Pains (October 24).
November
Brother!
Hulk Hogan agrees to join TNA, hinting that he's taking over the creative end of the promotion. In an unrelated development, AJ Styles slits his wrists.
Hogan also goes to Australia with Ric Flair, Brutus Beefcake and The Nasty Boys, among others. The tour is known as Fifteenyearstoolateapalooza.
Raw guest host Jesse "The Body" Ventura works on color commentary with Vince McMahon. Also that night: Mean Gene Okerlund conducts interviews in the safari, while Bobby The Brain Heenan is barred from the building, just as we're about to go to commercial break.
Hornswoggle graduates from his juvenile storyline with Chavo Guerrero, to an even more juvenile storyline with DX.
World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels.
Maryse returns to WWE after knee surgery, officially becoming the hottest incarnation of the Gobbedlygooker ever!
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Bulldog interviews... Aaron Wood?!? (November 19)
December
It's amazing how all U.K. residents are hideously ugly.
World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Sheamus. Oh, wait.... that really IS a new guy! Anyways, blah blah blah, Sheamus wins the WWE Title.
Heaven needed a Bulldozer: Umaga (real name: Uuuuuuuuu-maaaaaaaaaga!) passes away far too young at the age of 36. I say 'far too young' because that's also my age, and I'm gonna stick someone with a Samoan spike if they try to take me any time soon.
TNA announces it will go head to head with Monday Night Raw on January 4, 2010. WWE dismisses the threat of competition. Because that strategy worked so well for them in the mid-90's.
Dennis Miller hosts the Slammy Awards. Now let us never speak of it again.
Shiek Abdul Bashir is released from his TNA contract. Surprisingly, he doesn't later vow to "humble" them for their wrongdoing. Or maybe that's not a trait shared by all shieks.
Bret "Hitman" Hart signs a contract to return to WWE after a 12-year absence. Because that last one he signed worked out so well.
Chris Jericho is banished from Monday Night Raw forever. Or at least for the six days in between television tapings.
ECW Original Tommy Dreamer reportedly leaves WWE. I'm guessing this is just another one of Raven's mind games.
Team 3D and Rhino (real name: Ryan Ossoris) form a faction protesting the fact that TNA is pushing young up-and-coming talent ahead of them. Wonder how they're going to feel about that six months from now?
Shawn Michaels challenges The Undertaker to a match at WrestleMania 26. I liked it better when they called that WrestleMania 25.
The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase is released on DVD, and is touted by critics as "one of the best films in The Marine series".
Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: 2nd Annual Christmas Carols edition (December 14).
And that brings us to the end of the year. What does 2010 bring? And more importantly, how the hell am I going to find 12 more Aaron Wood pictures to photoshop next year?
