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Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: 2009 (Part Two)
By Canadian Bulldog
Dec 29, 2009 - 3:00 PM
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| Aaron Orton, flanked by two people who don't suck. |
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World Wrestling Entertainment (motto: "What the world is watching. Or at least, was watching 10 years ago..."), responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H.
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Total Nonstop Action (motto: "Now with 25 % more Russo") signs former WWE star and ECW Champion Bobby Lashley. A full three months after he first appeared on screen in TNA at the conclusion of a pay-per-view main event.
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TNA also hires former WWE star and ECW Champion Taz (real name: Phil Tazzington), who appears as the mentor for Samoa Joe. Because apparently having Joe alter his entire look, demeanor, and aligning himself with The Main Event Mafia wasn't enough of a gimmick change.
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Vince "My Ass Can Do Tricks" McMahon decides to appoint a guest host to Monday Night Raw every week. This can only mean good things for Chavo Guerrero, who has just begun a program with Hornswoggle.
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Chris Jericho and The Big Show join forces as Jerishow. Apparently, their first choice of team name (Bigicho) didn't have the same mainstream appeal.
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Jeff Jarrett, who was sent home from TNA the previous month, is reportedly giving the ol' slapnuts to Karen Angle.
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Raw guest host "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase organizes a main event match for his Million Dollar Son Ted DiBiase. And yet when Vince, Verne Gagne, Dusty Rhodes or Bill Watts used to do that, they were vilified.
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Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Canadian Bulldog vs. James Guttman, live (seriously!) from New York's Madison Square Garden (July 1).
August
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| Hi. My name is Aaron Woodgler. |
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SummerSlam, once one of wrestling's premier events, features Dolph Effing Ziggler in an Intercontinental Title match. The hell?
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Jeff Hardy finishes up with World Wrestling Entertainment to pursue his true passion: breaking the law.
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Raw guest host Jeremy Piven turns on John Cena and tries to hit him with a flying bodypress. If only Ari Gold had tried a stunt like that, maybe Vinnie Chase would be a bigger star by now.
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D-Generation X reunites. Because the first 80 times weren't enough.
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TNA "World" Champion Kurt Angle is arrested after allegedly stalking girlfriend Rhaka Khan at a Starbucks, after Khan had filed a protection order against him. Police also find a syringe filled with HGH in Angle's car. Someone obviously forgot about the Three I's.
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World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
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XFL Original Ricky Ortiz is released by World Wrestling Entertainment. What's more amazing is that he was employed by them for an entire year.
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Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: The debut of the hit song "SummerSlam '89" (August 16).
September
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| Linda Suckmahon |
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Linda McMahon agrees to part ways with World Wrestling Entertainment. She's wished well in future endeavors. Fans expect her to show up in TNA or ROH once her no-compete clause expires.
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In honor of MY birthday, WWE selects future Mrs. Bulldog Trish Stratus to return to Raw as guest host. Well, it was technically two days after my b-day, but I still appreciate the sentiment....
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World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
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The Phenomenal A.J. Styles wins the TNA "World" Championship at No Surrender, as one of the company's original stars is poised to become the focus of the entire promotion. Or at least.... he won the title.
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WWE hosts its first-ever Breaking Point pay-per-view, which features submission-only matches for its main events. Coming next month: A pay-per-view where all the matches ends with bodyslams, or holds that start with the letter "R".
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Rey Mysterio drops the Intercontinental Title to John Morrison, which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with his recent Wellness Policy violation.
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Former Price Is Right host Bob Barker surprises many Raw viewers when he displays more charisma, mic skills and wrestling ability in the year 2009 than Ric Flair does.
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A world title match between The Undertaker and C.M. Punk concludes with a Survivor Series-style screwjob ending. Because WWE hasn't whipped that finish out for, what, a whole year?
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Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Oh, You Didn't Know? (September 14)
October
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| Chris Aaronicho |
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Lifelong Mickey Rourke nemesis Chris Jericho wins bragging rights at, well, Bragging Rights, proving that SmackDown is the superior WWE brand. Wait.... that doesn't sound right...
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There goes the money: Shane McMahon announces he's leaving WWE at year-end. I'd be shocked if we don't get Shane and Linda versus Vince and Stephanie at WrestleMania 26.
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Captain Lou Albano passes on at the age of 76. Great - you mind telling me who's going to take care of George "The Animal" Steele now?
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TNA's annual Bound For Glory PPV is subtitled "The Final Curtain?". It's unclear whether this is in reference to the already-semi-retired Sting, or the promotion itself.
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World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Randy Orton.
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And along those lines.... The Undertaker regains the World Championship. Because he apparently needs a belt to get over more than C.M. Punk does.
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Kurt Angle turns face, proving that nice guys with restraining orders filed against them really do finish last.
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Batista becomes a heel after whining about his spot in the company and overall lack of title opportunities. In other words, doing exactly what he's been doing for years.
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WWE shakes things up by announcing a multi-brand trade involving most of the Divas. Call me sexist if you must, but I have still no clue who is on which show.
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Top independent wrestling prospect Nigel McGuinness finally makes his television debut, months after signing with WWE. Unfortunately for them, the debut is with TNA.
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Jamaican Me Marketable: Kofi Kingston loses his phony Jamaican accent and gets an immediate push. Conclusion: WWE is racist!
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Complete and Utter Bulldog of the month: Bulldog, The Big Rybowski and The Liz welcome special guest co-host "Boner" from Growing Pains (October 24).
November
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| Brother! |
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Raw guest host Jesse "The Body" Ventura works on color commentary with Vince McMahon. Also that night: Mean Gene Okerlund conducts interviews in the safari, while Bobby The Brain Heenan is barred from the building, just as we're about to go to commercial break.
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World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels.
December
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| It's amazing how all U.K. residents are hideously ugly. |
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World Wrestling Entertainment, responding to criticism that they always have the same old guys in the main event picture, books a pay-per-view main event of John Cena vs. Sheamus. Oh, wait.... that really IS a new guy! Anyways, blah blah blah, Sheamus wins the WWE Title.
And that brings us to the end of the year. What does 2010 bring? And more importantly, how the hell am I going to find 12 more Aaron Wood pictures to photoshop next year?
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for
World Wrestling Insanity
and has published his own
book
of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at
canadian.bulldog@gmail.com
or followed at
http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.
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Alphabetical Listing of
Guests You Can Hear on...

A
Sivi
Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony
B
Buff
Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan
C
Lance
Cade
Christian
John
Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette
Justin Credible
D
D-Ray
3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley
Hacksaw Jim
Duggan
Kenny Dykstra
E
Bobby
Eaton
Paul Ellering
Armando Estrada
F
Manny
Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk
G
Greg Gagne
Ronnie
Garvin
Jackie
Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera
H
Chalie
Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston
Mr. Hughes
I
The
Iron Sheik
Ivory
J
B.G.
James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan
K
Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff
Nikita Koloff
L
Bobby
Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke
M
Rodney
Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton
Trevor Murdoch
N
Kevin
Nash
Nidia
Nunzio
O
One
Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet
Outback Jack
P
Diamond
Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski
R
Harley
Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels
Lance Russell
S
Samoa
Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan
T
Dave Taylor
Sylvester
Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio
V
Greg
"The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff
W
Y
David
Young
Mae Young
Z
Larry
Zybszko
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