Apologies first: The Notorious D.O.G. has been M.I.A. from W.W.I. for the last little while due to another commitment, the details of which I can't really share here. Suffice it to say, it had absolutely nothing to do at all with an alleged assasination attempt on Kim Jong Il.
That out of the way, I have come out of hibernation to do my annual year-in-review column that will be divided into two parts. And is tradition, I've included some preview pages from the brand new:
So enjoy this, the True Wrestling Story of 2011 (Part One). Or as they say in North Korea,
최고의소원이휴가시즌
January
Huge Douche Canoe Matt Hardy joins TNA Wrestling, which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky promotion needs to compete with WWE.
Santino Marella wins the first-ever 40-man Royal Rumble, unless something else happened in the last minute or so of the event (I wasn't really watching).
Former Olympic Hero Kurt Angle begins a feud with MMA Superstar Jeff Jarrett over his ex-wife Karen Angle. This should be wrapped up in no time at all.
The Big Rybowski and Aaron Wood conspire to destroy Canadian Bulldog by taking away his insanely-popular podcast Complete and Utter Bulldog. This, also, should hopefully be resolved in a speedy manner.
Something probably happened in Ring of Honor.
Kevin Nash and Booker T return as The Main Event Mafia makes its presence felt. In, uh, WWE.
Dashing Cody Rhodes is kicked in the face with Rey Mysterio's knee brace, proving the time-honored theory that protective facemasks = money.
Team 3D explodes, as Brother Ray and Brother Devon begin to feud, only eight years after such a development would have possibly been interesting.
A viral video campaign hints at a WrestleMania encounter between The Undertaker and Sting. Could that PWI Superstar Dream Match finally be coming a reality?
Finally, The Rock.... has come back.... for a handful of episodes over the next year.
"They" are coming to TNA - yes, again - which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky promotion needs to compete with WWE.
Canadian Bulldogformsthe insanity World order to counter Big Wood. The first two iWo recruits are WWI superstars The Maverick Mike Johns and Jason Winterz.
The Corre wins the WWE Tag Team Championships. Their potential is limitless now.
Jeff Jarrett defeats Kurt Angle in a match where, as per the stipulation, Angle has to give away his ex-wife at her upcoming wedding. Had Angle won, he would have received sole custody of Dominic Mysterio.
Teddy Long strips Edge of the World Heavyweight Championship and temporarily awards it to Dolph Ziggler, making him only the third champion in WWE history with the first name "Dolph".
Jerry "The King" Lawler's championship aspirations are quashed when Michael Cole interferes in his WWE Championship match against The Miz. Because otherwise, he definitely would have won the strap.
Something probably happened in Ring of Honor.
Zack Ryder starts a series of YouTube podcasts. Yeah, like that's going to get him over...
3.3.11 clearly means two very different things for two very different promotions. In WWE, it means the long-awaited returns of Triple H and The Undertaker. In TNA, it means pushing Sting because of an internet rumor, which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky promotion needs to compete with WWE.
Speaking of The Stinger, he battles Jeff Hardy in what must be considered a match of the year candidate, provided no other matches take place before or after it in 2011.
Speaking of The Anti-Christ of Professional Wrestling, Hardy is suspended following his "performance" at the Victory Road pay-per-view. Apparently being somewhat conscious during your match is now a prerequisite for being in a PPV main event; who knew?
In a moment that would have made Verne Gagne cringe had he still been alive today, the term "Fruity Pebbles" makes its way into the North American wrestling lexicon.
Something probably happened in Ring of Honor.
Legendary manager Sir Oliver Humperdink passes away, leaving the wrestling world still wondering why Bam Bam Bigelow picked him when he could have Slick or Bobby Heenan instead.
NXT Redemption debuts, promising to create a new superstar at some point in the next friggin' decade.
Stone Cold Steve Austin and John Bradshaw Layfield make their returns to Raw.... to, um, put over the Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole feud.
Hulk Hogan makes a rare error in judgment when he publicly compares his Immortal faction to the recent tsunami in Japan. In fairness to the Hulkster, both were unmitigated disasters.
Speaking of our the inspiration behind our 2012 calendar, Hogan is called out on Twitter by Bret "Hitman" Hart, who writes "That's not what John Graziano thinks, dickhead!" Hogan counters with "I know you are, but what am I? Times infinity."
Brian Kendrick supplements his TNA income by appearing on The Price Is Right. In a related story, Eric Young quits the promotion to become an audience member for a Jumbo Juicer infomercial (sadly, the second half of this paragraph isn't true. But perhaps even sadder is that the first half is).
Sin Cara debuts in WWE. Big things are promised for the youngster so long as he doesn't appear on a T-shirt with his Mistico hanging out.
Alberto Del Rio fulfils his destiny, if by "destiny" you mean "jobbing at the biggest event of the year".
After a career that included 31 championships; King of the Ring, Money In The Bank and Royal Rumble honors; headlining at WrestleMania and stealing Canadian Bulldog's catchphrase (long story), Edge calls it a career. Even money says he's back in the ring within six weeks wearing a hood.
The main event for WrestleMania is booked a year in advance: The Rock vs. Brodus Clay.
John Cena is drafted to SmackDown! And then to Raw again.
In a development that ranks right up there with Hulk Hogan slamming Andre The Giant, The Undertaker's winning streak and Shawn Michaels realizing his "boyhood dream" as legitimate WrestleMania moments, Michael Cole defeats Jerry Lawler by disqualification.
TNA rips off Sin Cara with
Sagriento, which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky promotion needs to compete with WWE.
WWE realizes the one ingredient missing from this year's WrestleMania: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. Amazingly, the wrestling world misses the obvious Snooki-JWOWW matchup that could have conceivably drawn some money.
The Liz turns down an offer to join the iWo and joins Big Wood instead.
John Morrison snubs Trish Stratus at WrestleMania in favor of Melina, earning him the title of Stupidest Person Ever.
EVER!!!
R-Truth claims that he's no longer around to please Little Jimmy. Social services gets involved, wondering what kind of pleasing of Little Jimmy was happening in the first place.
The Hulkster appears on American Idol and fails to mention TNA. Between this and Brian Kendrick failing to mention it on The Price Is Right, you'd think think that these guys are maybe ashamed to work there?
WWE inducts some of wrestling's most prestigious names into its Hall of Fame, including Shawn Michaels, Abdullah the Butcher and Drew Carey.
Something probably happened in Ring of Honor.
Zack Ryder wins the prestigious Internet Title following a grueling 64-man, two-day tournament held in Rio de Janiero.
World Wrestling Entertainment changes its name to WWE so that they're no longer seen as just a "wrestling company". Fortunately, there's been little danger of that for years.
Oooh.... crap! Randy "Macho Man" Savage, arguably one of the most colorful and influential wrestlers of all time, passes away at the age of 58. In a related story, people stop bugging Jim Ross with the question "When will Randy Savage be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame?", and replace it with "When will the late Randy Savage be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame?".
TNA Wrestling changes its Vince Russo Attitude-era pun-filled name to Impact Wrestling, which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky promotion needs to compete with WWE.
Kharma debuts in WWE after weeks of menacing-looking vignettes, crushing all of the Raw and SmackDown Divas unlike anyone before her. Nothing can stop her from becoming a household name at this pace unless she, I don't know, becomes pregnant or something.
Speaking of unstoppable forces, WWI Hall of Famer ZAH is the "secret weapon" for the iWo in its battle against Big Wood.
Christian fulfils his boyhood dream of winning the World Heavyweight Championship and losing it, like, a few days later.
Speaking of things that are destined to last a long time, Alex Riley gets a monster push after turning on The Miz, and Mick Foley is named as Impact Wrestling's "network executive".
Something probably happened in Ring of Honor.
LayCool breaks up. According to friends of both Layla and Michelle McCool, they just need time to find themselves and see other people.
Jerry The King Lawler and Jim Ross take on Michael Cole and Jack Swagger in a Country Whipping Match. Which would be awesome if it were on a Coliseum Home Video release from 1986.
The Icon Sting abandons the Crow-like persona he's used for than a decade to look more like the Heath Ledger-era Joker, which is definitely the shot in the arm the plucky yada, yada, yada.
Chavo Guerrero agrees to part ways with WWE so that he can pursue his true passion of making insane remarks in the middle of the night on Twitter.
Speaking of "insane", "Twitter" and "Huge Douche Canoe", TNA suspends Matt Hardy, disproving my theory about him made in the very first bullet point of this column.
CM Punk SHOOTS during a live Monday Night Raw, saying things that he's not supposed to, such as the names Colt Cabana, Paul Heyman and Luke Gallows; the promotion Ring of Honor (where something probably happened this month); the word "wrestling"; and the fact that Aaron Wood sucks.
Punk's sudden decision to leave WWE poses an even bigger question: what will become of New Nexus? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry; couldn't write that one with a straight face.
Speaking of things I don't give a crap about, The Big Show gets run over by Alberto Del Rio's car; Ezekiel Jackson breaks away from The Corre, and Michael Tarver is released by WWE, depriving him of a lucrative career of showing up in random backstage vignettes.
And that just about does it for this week. I'll be back soon to finish off 2011. Assuming the government doesn't have anything for me to do to certain world leaders who will remain nameless.
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Canadian Bulldog has been writing about professional wrestling since 2003, and became a WWI Superstar at World Wrestling Insanityin January 2006. Need more Bulldog? Check out his "Complete and Utter Bulldog" podcast at Club WWI; like his Facebook page and follow him on Twitter.
