So... how was everyone's Christmas? Did Xanta Claus bring you everything you asked for?
Okay, shut up. Enough about you stupid marks. Today. we continue on looking at the year that was (well..... "the year that still is", but let's not get hung up on technicalities).
Here is my recap of the first half of 2011, in case you aren't smart enough to remember what I wrote last week. And again this week, I'll be bringing you a sneak peek at pictures from the brand new:
So put down the turkey, Pedro; quit stuffing your stocking, and enjoy this, the True Wrestling Story of 2011 (Part Two).
July
Can I have your attention please? I have just received an email from the Anonymous General Manager. And I quote.... the GM appears to be missing.
CM Punk (real name: CM Smith) wins the WWE Championship right before his contract expires; holds the company hostage; defends the gold throughout Japan and Europe; shows up on the competition's television program and throws the strap in the trash; records unsanctioned interviews on YouTube where he berates Vince McMahon, and eventually returns months later to face John Cena for the undisputed championship. Oh, wait; sorry -- that's what should had happened.
Alberto Del Rio and Daniel Bryan win Money In The Bank for their respective brands. They're sure to piss away their shots at the gold, even though every single MITB winner since the beginning of time has gone on to win the championship.
Generation Me leaves TNA and quickly offends WWE veterans by refusing to shake their hands backstage, leaving them no choice but to jump ship to.... oh, crap.
Tired of Vince McMahon constantly putting himself over at the expense of younger talent, WWE's Board of Directors puts Triple H in charge.
The Game immediately introduces fresh new faces to television, including Jim Ross, John Morrison and John Laurinitis.
Ken Anderson joins Immortal and is booked as the top heel in the company, only to have Immortal turn on him within a month, giving us zero reason to cheer for him now. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
World Wrestling Insanity's own Chris "RowdyRodimus" Intres reveals that TNA performer Jesse Neal has been relying on food stamps because the wrestling promotion hasn't being paying him enough money. Neal swears this isn't true; TNA hasn't been paying him at all.
High-flying luchador Sin Cara learns a new move: The Wellness Violation.
WWE agrees to amicably part ways with Vladimir Kozlov, Chris Masters, Melina and "Fake Canadian Bulldog" Harry Smith to make room in its budget for hot newcomer Kevin Nash.
TNA also gets rid of one of its talents after a DUI charge. Not specific enough? Okay, he also made some disturbing comments on YouTube. What, still not specific enough? Fine, it was that Huge Douche Canoe Matt Hardy.
Alberto Del Rio fulfils his destiny by defeating CM Punk, like, two seconds after Punk defeats John Cena.
Crimson, who has been pushed with an incredible undefeated streak, is removed from the Bound For Glory tournament due to an ankle injury. A fake angle injury that served no legitimate reason in the storyline. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
Cee Lo Green makes his triumphant return to WWE at Summerslam, bringing back memories of when he teamed with Mark Henry, Chaz and Ivory, and hosting his own ClubWWI.com show. "You're lookin' at the real deal now - Woot~! Gonna kick your sorry ass out on the street...."
WWE Diva Maryse applies for a restraining order against a stalker. I know what you're thinking, but this one isn't on me. First of all, I understand that Tweets are untraceable, and second, how was I to know what store she was going into that Wednesday?
Can I have your attention please? The Anonymous General Manageris still missing in action.
WWE Ice Cream Bars become all the rage. So of course WWE doesn't bring them back.
Beth Phoenix and Natalya team up to eliminate all the "talentless bimbos" in WWE, just as Tough Enough winner Andy Leavine is suspended. Coincidence?
The company pairs Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne as Air Boom, as well as R-Truth and The Miz as Awesome Truth. They miss out on the obvious pairing of Tyson Kidd and Hornswoggle as Horny Kid.
Column(s) of the month: The 30 Worst Wrestling PR Disasters Of The Past 30 Years (part one, two and three).
September
Triple H realizes how he can save the rapidly-derailing CM Punk storyline: by putting himself over the guy.
Huge Douche Canoe Matt Hardy agrees to enter WWE-sponsored rehab after posting a mock suicide video and revealing a litany of drug and legal issues. Hmmm, guess he should have been sent home from Europe after all.
Can I have your attention please? The Anonymous General Manager still hasn't surfaced.
Gail Kim intentionally throws herself out of a battle royale on Raw en route to quitting the company. The wrestling community is shocked; not that she did that, but that she still worked for WWE.
What's better than one Sin Cara. How about TWO Sin Caras?!?
Jeff Hardy returns to Impact Wrestling and asks for "one more chance", on top of the previous 27. He immediately becomes the top babyface in the company. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
Former Nexus (remember them?) member David Otunga finds the one missing ingredient that's been holding him back: a bowtie.
Internet sensation "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder wins a non-title match with the help of Hugh Jackman. In a related story, Eric Young takes on Scott Baio. Sigh. Back in my day, celebrities were ring announcers and special enforcer referees.
Mark Henry caps off a 15-year WWE career by capturing the World Championship. His son the rubber glove must be so proud.
John Cena regains the WWE Championship. I would have never seen that one coming, because I haven't watched even 5 minutes of wrestling in my life.
WWI Superstars "Jumpin'" James Guttman, "Maniac" Matt Dawgs and Aaron Wood "Sucks" join yours truly as we invadea Ring of Honor show in New York City. It's the hottest invasion angle since, well... ever.
EVER!!!
Vertically-challenged superstar Little Tokyo (real name: Little Shanghai) passes away, still reeling from the effects of a King Kong Bundy splash at WrestleMania III.
To highlight the young, up and coming superstars that will become the future of Impact Wrestling, 52 year-old Sting takes on 58 year-old Hulk Hogan, who has 62 year-old Ric Flair in his corner.
Triple H is ordered to give up his position as Raw General Manager after he receives a vote of no confidence. You know wrestling is getting bad when it's ripping off storylines from Canadian politics.
WWE Vice President of Talent Relations John Laurinitis also becomes Interim Raw GM. The former Dynamic Dude mumbles his lines, botches his promos and it isn't clear where his gimmick is headed. I liked the character better when he was called Mike Adamle.
Impact Wrestling does a phenomenal job booking Bobby Roode as a man who paid his dues and clawed his way to the top and against all odds, may just dethrone TNA Champion Kurt Angle at Bound For Glory. So of course that doesn't happen at all. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
The ring collapses at Vengeance after the 500-plus pound Big Show superplexes the 400-plus-pound Mark Henry. Who would have seen that coming, other than possibly gravity?
Can I have your attention please? Still nothing from The Anonymous Raw General Manager.
Todd Grisham leaves WWE for ESPN. Given this also happened when Jonathan Coachman left in 2008, the world of professional sports coverage must have an overwhelming need for guys who make dumb faces while interviewing other people.
Speaking of ESPN, the network makes the shocking discovery that former WWE, WCW, TNA and AWA star Scott Hall struggles with substance abuse.
Never before. Never again. Yup, you guessed it -- The Muppets host Monday Night Raw.
In related news, Impact Wrestling enquires about Gonzo's contract status.
CM Punk captures the WWE Championship and creates a powerful enemy in Interim Raw GM John Laurinitis, who disagrees with the way Punk carries himself as champion. I liked the storyline better when it was called Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon almost 15 years ago.
Attempting to make it up to fans who were pissed by Robert Roode not winning Impact Wrestling's World Title, James Storm defeats Kurt Angle the very next night. And then, um, Roode wins it a few weeks later. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
Speaking of which, Garrett Bischoff is introduced as a wrestler.
Can I have your attention please? The Anonymous Raw General Manager yada yada yada.
After writing a book last year suggesting he was done working for Vince McMahon, Mick Foley returns to WWE and becomes the only person in history to voluntarily join a certain "exclusive club" twice -- once in storyline and once in real-life.
Evan Bourne and R-Truth are suspended under violations of WWE's Wellness Policy. Unfortunately, The Miz and Kofi Kingston aren't given the green light to form Awesome Boom.
John Morrison is wished the best in his future endeavours. Fans anxiously await the debut of Johnny Cobain in TNA.
Robbie E (real name: Robert E) wins Impact Wrestling's Television Championship. Now let us never speak of it again.
Luchadore sensation Sin Cara finally realizes what he needs to get over with American wrestling audiences: A T-shirt with his dong hanging out.
Zack Ryder fulfils his boyhood dream of complaining on the Internet for half a year until WWE gives him a belt to shut him up.
In a related story, Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Tyson Kidd and Drew McIntyre.
Jim Ross and Michael Cole compete in a segment that includes a dance-off and a rap battle. I... they.... it..... nawww, nothing I can do to enhance the previous sentence could make it more insane.
Bully Ray, who couldn't even hack it in 2002 as a singles wrestler after his Dudley Boyz tag team became stale, is pushed as a main-eventer. Because Dixie Carter hates us.
Kevin Nash calls it a career after losing a ladder match to Triple H at the TLC pay-per-view. I guess that grueling two-match-a-year schedule was more than he could handle.
Daniel Bryan and CM Punk reign atop the wrestling world as champions of the SmackDown and Raw brands, respectively. If only ZAH were alive to see this moment....
NWA Championship Wrestling From Hollywood manager and former ClubWWI.com guest Stu Stone reunites with comedian Jamie Kennedy on the song Kid on X-Mas (please inquire within for future advertising/cheap plug opportunities in this column).
Kane returns to WWE to dish out revenge, not on Mark Henry, but on John Cena. In fairness to The Big Red Machine, he'll probably draw far better money going this route.
NXT: Redemption, which began airing in March, hasn't selected a winner yet. Because it's so difficult to find the next Johnny Curtis. Or Kaitlyn. Or Kaval.
Dolph Ziggler is named number one contender to the WWE Championship, giving inspiration to male cheerleaders-turned-golf caddies with porn star-esque names the world over.
A series of vignettes air on WWE television advertising a big return on January 2, 2012. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who it's going to be: The Anonymous Raw General Manager.
Well, that about does it for another year. All the best in 2012, you stupid marks!
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Canadian Bulldog has been writing about professional wrestling since 2003, and became a WWI Superstar at World Wrestling Insanityin January 2006. Need more Bulldog? Check out his "Complete and Utter Bulldog" podcast at Club WWI; like his Facebook page and follow him on Twitter.
