World Wrestling Insanity: Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Canadian Heroes!!!

Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Canadian Heroes!!!

By Canadian Bulldog
Jun 30, 2009 - 3:11 PM

Are you hosers ready?

As I mentioned two weeks ago, Canada Day is tomorrow. I told you about which books to read to learn about Canadian wrestling; now I'm going to have you stupid marks learn about Canadian wrestlers.

When you think about it, there are hundreds and hundreds of top Canadian wrestlers from Chris Jericho to Archie "The Stomper" Gouldie, from Luna Vachon to Rick Martel, and from Iron Mike Sharpe to Edge. How can you narrow down that many top wrestlers to a "legends" list of just 10 people?

I couldn't. I wrote about 20 of them instead.

What follows below is a definitive list compiled in reverse-order (e.g. Letterman-style). After you've read it, then and only then will you know all about The True Wrestling Story of Canadian Heroes. Eh?

20. Stu Hart

Stu poses with an unidentified woman.

Real Name: Stu Heart

Hometown: Thornhill, Ontario (Whoops... sorry, that's Stu Stone.)

Famous For: Having a whole crapton of kids.

Championships Held: Stampede North American Title (probably); WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Don't Piss Me Off!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Stu created the world-famous "Hart Dungeon", in which opponents would be stretched, beaten and occasionally whipped with a cat-o-nine-tails.

19. Test

Test, flanked by fellow Canadians Albert and Trish Whatsherface

Real Name: Test Osterone

Hometown: Whitby, Ontario

Famous For: Ridding the world of the Mean Street Posse; dying at an early age.

Championships Held: Immunity (from Survivor Series, remember?); WWF European Title; WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Test, Test; this is a Test."

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: During his too-short life, Test slept with Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly, fooled around with Stephanie McMahon, and hung out with Trish Stratus. Say what you will about his wrestling career, but damn, I'm still envious.

18. Ms. Brooks

Traci cuddles up to World Wrestling Insanity favorite Eric Young.

Real Name: Mrs. Brooks

Hometown: Scarborough, Ontario (a/k/a "Scarberia")

Famous For: Showing her rack.

Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "We were supposed to have a quote?"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: I didn't, either.

17. Kizarny

Rizzemeizzmber hizzim?

Real Name: D. Charles Reginald Kizarny

Hometown: Yep.

Famous For: Leaving after like two weeks of vignettes.

Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Kizarny izzis cizzomizzing!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Kizarny lizzikes tizzo rizzead izzearly Shizzakespizzeran lizziterature.

16. Bret Hart / Owen Hart (Tie)

Happier times for the Hart brothers. Okay, besides the casts and crutches and whatnot.

Real Names: Bret Heart / Jim The Anvil Neidhart

Hometown: Calgary, Alberta

Famous For: Getting screwed/killed

Championships Held: WWF World Title, WCW World Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF European Title, WCW United States Title, Stampede North American Title, King Of The Ring, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "You screwed Bret!" / "I am not a nugget. Woooooo!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Bret and Owen were the most famous Canadian duo in wrestling since the days of Canadian Bulldog and ZAH.

15. The Quebecers

Pirate... meet Mountie. Mountie, Pirate.

Real Names: Jean-Pierre Lafitte / The Mountie

Hometown: The province of Saskatchewan. KIDDING! It's actually Manitoba.

Famous For: Surprisingly little.

Championships Held: WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... what a rush!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: The Quebecers once feuded with Men On A Mission. Because someone apparently thought that would sell tickets.

14. La Resistance

VIVE LA RESISTANCE!

Real Names: Renee Dupree, Sylvain Grenier and Rob Conway. Anyone else think that sounds like the name of a gay law firm?

Hometown: Quebec, Quebec and Somewhere Else.

Famous For: Being WWE's only tag team for, like, three years.

Championships Held: WWE Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Ne Pas Peur (Don't Be Afraid)." As if anyone would be.

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: La Resistance is French for "Bunch Of Jobbers".

13. Lance Storm

Storm milked the cast gimmick for several years while bodyguarding for Roddy Piper.

Real Name: Barry Storm

Hometown: Calgary (dramatic pause).... Alberta.... Canada!

Famous For: Being Un-American.

Championships Held: WCW Canadian Title , WCW S.H.I.T. (and ain't THAT the truth?), ECW Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Beat me if you can. Survive if I let you."

Oh, You Didn't Know....?: Lance is really f*cking boring.

12. Bruce Hart

Bruce poses with random tourists.

Real Name: Bruce Hartstein

Hometown: Calgary

Famous For: Being the only Hart brother to fail miserably.

Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "If ya smelllllalalalalow.... what Bruce Hart... is cookin'."

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Bruce was the longtime booker for Stampede Wrestling and was considered a creative genius. Except for by anyone who ever watched Stampede Wrestling. I mean... yellow card system in wrestling? Really?

11. Vampiro

That's scary stuff, kids. Owoooooooooo!

Real Name: Gordon Vampiro

Hometown: Thunder Bay, Ontario

Famous For: Being a poor man's Sting.

Championships Held: WCW Hardcore Title, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "I'll show you. You'll see!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: The only professional wrestler to be half-vampire, half-jerk. Well, except for that other one...

10. Chris Benoit

In this photo, Vince McMahon hands Benoit a package of drugs. (Source: PWT).

Real Name: Chris Benwah

Hometown: Edmonton, Alberta

Famous For: Well.... let's see now....

Championships Held: WWE World Title, WCW World Title, WWF Intercontinental Title, WCW United States Title, WWE United States Title, ECW Television Title, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayetteville Georgia. 30215. The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open."

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: WWE has asked us not to say anything here.

9. Eric Young

Traci cuddles up to World Wrestling Insanity favorite Eric Young.

Real Name: Eric Yung

Hometown: What do I look like, friggin' MapQuest?

Famous For: Being exactly like Eugene without any of the charisma, talent or decent scripting.

Championships Held: TNA X Division Title, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "F*ck Eric Young!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Eric Young is really, really annoying.

8. Natalya

Looks like *someone* doesn't care for basketball.

Real Name: Natalya Hart/Neidhart

Hometown: Calgary! Geez... how many times do I have to say it???

Famous For: Dunno.

Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "What I'd like to have right now.... is for all you fat, out-of-shape sweathogs to keep the noise down while I show you what a real man is supposed to look like!"

Oh, You Didn't Know....?: Neither did I.

7. Billy Red Lyons

Billy interviews Big Daddy Cool Diesel and... um, let's say Rey Mysterio.

Real Name: Billy Green Lyons

Hometown: Hamilton, Ontario

Famous For: Helping that jerk Jack Tunney present another "power-packed card" at Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens.

Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Dont'cha dare miss it!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Billy sadly left us on June 23, being the most famous person to die last week that didn't have the name Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays or Ed McMahon.

6. Christian

What the hell's HE brooding about?

Real Name: Christian Cage

Hometown: Orangeville, Ontario. Yeah, that's right - the town's called "Orangeville". You stupid marks have a problem with that?

Famous For: Being a creepy little bastard.

Championships Held: NWA "World" Title, ECW "World" Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF Intercontinental Title, WWF Light Heavyweight Title, WWF Hardcore Title.

Quote: "Get ready.... to feel.... the.... BANG!"

Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Wait... why didn't we include Edge on this list? Aw, crap.

5. Ole Anderson

Club WWI's most popular guest.

Real name: Arn Anderson

Hometown: Somewhere in the U.S., probably.

Then why the hell is he on a list of Canadian Heroes?: Not sure.

4. Dino Bravo and Canadian Earthquake (tie)

Together, I call them Dinoquake!

Hometowns: Montreal, Quebec / Vancouver, British Columbia

Famous For: Setting the world benchpress record / Setting the world pie-eating record

Championships Held: Montreal International Championship Title (probably not, but sounds impressive), WWF World Tag Team Titles,WWF Hardcore Title

Quotes: "I am the world's strongest man!" / "I'm not the world's strongest man, but I am certainly no slouch."

Oh, you didn't know...?: The two of them were once lovers.

3. Announcer Ray Rougeau

As we best remember him: hosting the WWF Event Center.

Real Name: Sheldon Steinowitz

Hometown: Montreal to Memphis

Championships Held: NWA Mid-Western East Southern Downtown Thunderweight Title (?), WWF Hardcore Title

Famous For: Just being an announcer. That's it.

Quote: "Razor Ramon and Jeff Jarrett will do battle next weekend in Buffalo. Let's bring them in to speak 'Face To Face'."

Oh, you didn't know...?: Everybody loves Raymond.

2. Kurrgan

The glue that held The Oddities together.

Real Name: Derek Kurrgan

Hometown: Look.... I don't know where Kurrgan comes from. You don't know where Kurrgan comes from. Let's just get past this, okay?

Championships Held: Atlantic Northwest Heritage Title, WWF Hardcore Title

Quote: "Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Kurrganmania runs wild on youuuuuuuu?"

Oh, you didn't know...?: Kurrgan is afraid of spiders.

1. Val Venis

Helllo, ladies! Wait... ladies? He can hit ME with his money shot any time!

Real Name: Venis Flytrap

Hometown: Markham, Ontario (York Region REPRESENT!)

Championships Held: WWF Intercontinental Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF European Title, WWF Hardcore Title

Quote: "Hellllllllo, ladies! You know, The Big Valbowski and Aaron Wood have a lot common. We both suck."

Oh, you didn't know...? Despite his gimmick, Val Venis was never REALLY a porn star. He was actually a fluffer.

On that note.... Happy Canada Day, everyone!

For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.