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Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Canadian Heroes!!!
Are you hosers ready?
As I mentioned two weeks ago, Canada Day is tomorrow. I told you about which books to read to learn about Canadian wrestling; now I'm going to have you stupid marks learn about Canadian wrestlers. When you think about it, there are hundreds and hundreds of top Canadian wrestlers from Chris Jericho to Archie "The Stomper" Gouldie, from Luna Vachon to Rick Martel, and from Iron Mike Sharpe to Edge. How can you narrow down that many top wrestlers to a "legends" list of just 10 people? I couldn't. I wrote about 20 of them instead.
What follows below is a definitive list compiled in reverse-order (e.g. Letterman-style). After you've read it, then and only then will you know all about The True Wrestling Story of Canadian Heroes.
Eh?
20. Stu Hart
Real Name: Stu Heart
Hometown: Thornhill, Ontario (Whoops... sorry, that's Stu Stone.)
Famous For: Having a whole crapton of kids.
Championships Held: Stampede North American Title (probably); WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Don't Piss Me Off!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Stu created the world-famous "Hart Dungeon", in which opponents would be stretched, beaten and occasionally whipped with a cat-o-nine-tails.
19. Test
Real Name: Test Osterone Hometown: Whitby, Ontario Famous For: Ridding the world of the Mean Street Posse; dying at an early age. Championships Held: Immunity (from Survivor Series, remember?); WWF European Title; WWF Hardcore Title. Quote: "Test, Test; this is a Test."
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: During his too-short life, Test slept with Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly, fooled around with Stephanie McMahon, and hung out with Trish Stratus. Say what you will about his wrestling career, but damn, I'm still envious.
18. Ms. Brooks
Real Name: Mrs. Brooks
Hometown: Scarborough, Ontario (a/k/a "Scarberia")
Famous For: Showing her rack.
Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "We were supposed to have a quote?"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: I didn't, either.
17. Kizarny
Real Name: D. Charles Reginald Kizarny Hometown: Yep. Famous For: Leaving after like two weeks of vignettes. Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title. Quote: "Kizarny izzis cizzomizzing!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Kizarny lizzikes tizzo rizzead izzearly Shizzakespizzeran lizziterature.
16. Bret Hart / Owen Hart (Tie)
Real Names: Bret Heart / Jim The Anvil Neidhart
Hometown: Calgary, Alberta
Famous For: Getting screwed/killed
Championships Held: WWF World Title, WCW World Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF European Title, WCW United States Title, Stampede North American Title, King Of The Ring, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "You screwed Bret!" / "I am not a nugget. Woooooo!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Bret and Owen were the most famous Canadian duo in wrestling since the days of Canadian Bulldog and ZAH.
15. The Quebecers
Real Names: Jean-Pierre Lafitte / The Mountie
Hometown: The province of Saskatchewan. KIDDING! It's actually Manitoba.
Famous For: Surprisingly little.
Championships Held: WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... what a rush!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: The Quebecers once feuded with Men On A Mission. Because someone apparently thought that would sell tickets.
14. La Resistance
Real Names: Renee Dupree, Sylvain Grenier and Rob Conway. Anyone else think that sounds like the name of a gay law firm?
Hometown: Quebec, Quebec and Somewhere Else.
Famous For: Being WWE's only tag team for, like, three years.
Championships Held: WWE Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Ne Pas Peur (Don't Be Afraid)." As if anyone would be.
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: La Resistance is French for "Bunch Of Jobbers".
13. Lance Storm
Real Name: Barry Storm
Hometown: Calgary (dramatic pause).... Alberta.... Canada!
Famous For: Being Un-American.
Championships Held: WCW Canadian Title , WCW S.H.I.T. (and ain't THAT the truth?), ECW Tag Team Titles, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Beat me if you can. Survive if I let you."
Oh, You Didn't Know....?: Lance is really f*cking boring.
12. Bruce Hart
Real Name: Bruce Hartstein
Hometown: Calgary
Famous For: Being the only Hart brother to fail miserably.
Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "If ya smelllllalalalalow.... what Bruce Hart... is cookin'."
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Bruce was the longtime booker for Stampede Wrestling and was considered a creative genius. Except for by anyone who ever watched Stampede Wrestling. I mean... yellow card system in wrestling? Really?
11. Vampiro
Real Name: Gordon Vampiro
Hometown: Thunder Bay, Ontario
Famous For: Being a poor man's Sting.
Championships Held: WCW Hardcore Title, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "I'll show you. You'll see!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: The only professional wrestler to be half-vampire, half-jerk. Well, except for that other one...
10. Chris Benoit
Real Name: Chris Benwah
Hometown: Edmonton, Alberta
Famous For: Well.... let's see now....
Championships Held: WWE World Title, WCW World Title, WWF Intercontinental Title, WCW United States Title, WWE United States Title, ECW Television Title, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote:
"My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayetteville Georgia. 30215. The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open."
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: WWE has asked us not to say anything here.
9. Eric Young
Real Name: Eric Yung
Hometown: What do I look like, friggin' MapQuest?
Famous For: Being exactly like Eugene without any of the charisma, talent or decent scripting.
Championships Held: TNA X Division Title, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "F*ck Eric Young!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Eric Young is really, really annoying.
8. Natalya
Real Name: Natalya Hart/Neidhart
Hometown: Calgary! Geez... how many times do I have to say it???
Famous For: Dunno.
Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "What I'd like to have right now.... is for all you fat, out-of-shape sweathogs to keep the noise down while I show you what a real man is supposed to look like!"
Oh, You Didn't Know....?: Neither did I.
7. Billy Red Lyons
Real Name: Billy Green Lyons
Hometown: Hamilton, Ontario
Famous For: Helping that jerk Jack Tunney present another "power-packed card" at Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens.
Championships Held: WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Dont'cha dare miss it!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Billy sadly left us on June 23, being the most famous person to die last week that didn't have the name Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays or Ed McMahon.
6. Christian
Real Name: Christian Cage
Hometown: Orangeville, Ontario. Yeah, that's right - the town's called "Orangeville". You stupid marks have a problem with that?
Famous For: Being a creepy little bastard.
Championships Held: NWA "World" Title, ECW "World" Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF Intercontinental Title, WWF Light Heavyweight Title, WWF Hardcore Title.
Quote: "Get ready.... to feel.... the.... BANG!"
Oh, You Didn't Know...?: Wait... why didn't we include Edge on this list? Aw, crap.
5. Ole
4. Dino Bravo and Canadian Earthquake (tie)
Hometowns: Montreal, Quebec / Vancouver, British Columbia
Famous For: Setting the world benchpress record / Setting the world pie-eating record
Championships Held: Montreal International Championship Title (probably not, but sounds impressive), WWF World Tag Team Titles,WWF Hardcore Title
Quotes: "I am the world's strongest man!" / "I'm not the world's strongest man, but I am certainly no slouch."
Oh, you didn't know...?: The two of them were once lovers.
3. Announcer Ray Rougeau
Real Name: Sheldon Steinowitz
Hometown: Montreal to Memphis
Championships Held: NWA Mid-Western East Southern Downtown Thunderweight Title (?), WWF Hardcore Title
Famous For: Just being an announcer. That's it.
Quote: "Razor Ramon and Jeff Jarrett will do battle next weekend in Buffalo. Let's bring them in to speak 'Face To Face'."
Oh, you didn't know...?: Everybody loves Raymond.
2.
1. Val Venis
Real Name: Venis Flytrap
Hometown: Markham, Ontario (York Region REPRESENT!)
Championships Held: WWF Intercontinental Title, WWF Tag Team Titles, WWF European Title, WWF Hardcore Title
Quote: "Hellllllllo, ladies! You know, The Big Valbowski and Aaron Wood have a lot common. We both suck."
Oh, you didn't know...? Despite his gimmick, Val Venis was never REALLY a porn star. He was actually a fluffer.
On that note.... Happy Canada Day, everyone! For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
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| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |