The Texas Outlaws - Murdoch, Rhodes and Wayne.

Dusty Rhodes was born Virgil Riley Runnels Jr. in Austin, Texas on October 12, 1945. Yeah. that's right, he was the love child of former Million Dollar Champion Virgil and ex-diva Terri Runnels.

So wait.... his mother was also his future daughter-in-law? No wonder he was such a fan favorite in the South.

Actually... Dusty was always billed as "the son of a plumber", which doesn't make a ton of sense to me. I mean, who cares? Was he laying the groundwork for a future rivalry with T.L. Hopper or something? You'd never see any World Wrestling Insanity superstars making that claim, such as "Canadian Bulldog, son of a Jewish marketing executive", or "James Guttman, son of a crotchety old army colonel", or "Aaron Wood, son of a bitch".

Dusty was also born with a roundish splotch on his torso, which would go on to become the source of his power. Just like Iron Man (Bulldog's Tip Of The Week: GO SEE THIS MOVIE!).

Anyways, about 20 years later (just to speed things along), Dusty opted not to go into the family plumbing business and ended up taking a pay cut to work for the American Wrestling Association (motto: "If you love restholds, boy are you in for a treat."). There, he teamed with a young Dick "Trevor" Murdoch as The Texas Outlaws.

Aaaaaand.... since no one really cares about the AWA, let's move on to the next  chapter, shall we?

Well, not before this:

Dusty Rhodes so fat... he was baptized in the ocean.

Chapter Two

Headlines don't lie.

Dusty quickly established himself as a fan favorite throughout regional wrestling territories by showing unbelievable amounts of charisma (e.g. fat). How fat was he?

Dusty Rhodes so fat... that he put on some BVD's, and by the time they stretched out, they spell "Boulevard".

(Heh - that will never get old....)

"Dusty was a working class hero," 'retired' wrestling legend Ric Flair wrote in his autobiography To Be The Man - WOOOO! - You've Got To Beat The Man. Mean - WOOOO!, bah gawd - Gene - You're Looking At The Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' Dealin, Jet Flyin', Limousine Ridin' - WOOOO! - Son Of A Gun. "He won over people because he spoke the white man's rap."

His affinity for Eminem aside, Dusty travelled to the NWA Mid-Atlantic Eastern West Missouri Floridian Deep South Up North territory and captured the prestigious World Championship for the first time on August 21, 1979. Though to be fair...I could have told you that happened on May 4, 1977 or October 19, 1981, and you stupid marks wouldn't have known the difference. Am I right?

Chapter Three

Golddust wasn't the first Rhodes to dress in drag.

Dusty would go on to win the NWA Championship twice more in the 80's from arguably his greatest rival, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. This would also lead into a feud against the Flair-led faction known as The Four Horsemen.

"Dusty's feud with The Horsemen was a classic," said Harley Race in his autobiography King Of The Ring: How I Sold Out To Vince McMahon By Wearing A Purple Crown. "Wait, why is Flair commenting in my chapter, and I'm commenting on Flair in his chapter? That just doesn't make any sense!"

During this feud,. Dusty lost copious amounts of blood in matches against Flair, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and Barry Windham. He also teased the presence of compromising photos of Blanchard's valet Baby Doll.

Hmmm... no offense towards Ms. Doll, but I'd almost rather see compromising photos of Chyna. Almost. But hey, maybe he couldn't land anyone better, because...

Dusty Rhodes so fat... he once stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Chapter Four

Dusty was at the the height of (pimp) fashion.

At the same time he was a main-eventer in the NWA, what many people may not know is Dusty was also the company's head booker (okay, fine - I didn't know that. Happy?). This meant that he was responsible for such groundbreaking concepts as:

WarGames -- A wide-eyed teenager (Matthew Broderick) errantly hacks into a top secret supercomputer and nearly starts World War III. Top programmer Dr. McKittrick (Dabney Coleman) figures out what has happened, but it seemed all too real for a few minutes.

Starrcade -- A game show in which contestants would answer questions about 1980's video games.

The Midnight Rider -- A 1970 song about how Greg Allman continues on in the face of obstacles.

Dusty also perfected a booking strategy known as "The Dusty Finish", which consisted of:

1. A heel about to lose his championship.
2. A referee getting knocked unconcious by, like, a shoulderblock.
3. A babyface nailing his finisher on a heel.
4. A second referee running to the ring.
5. A second referee counting the heel champion down.
6. A babyface being awarded the championship.
7. A babyface having the championship taken away from him because the heel was earlier disqualified.
8. A heel retaining the championship.
9. Again.
10. A pissed-off Canadian Bulldog turning the channel to "WWF Superstars Of Wrestling" because, even though the main event there is Koko B. Ware versus Hercules Hernandez, at least there's going to be an actual conclusion. You know?

Anyhoo....

Dusty Rhodes so fat... he has to iron his pants on the driveway.

Chapter Five

The StarDust Marshmallow Man.

Many said that Dusty Rhodes abused his power as a top executive at Jim Crockett Promotions in the late 1980's, booking himself to win championships (even in Japan, a territory he didn't, technically, run), buying himself a Mercedes, and building a lavish office for the company in Dallas, Texas.

"I never actually said any of that," former valet Missy Hyatt wrote in Whore: The Missy Hyatt Story. "I'm just flattered y'all remembered I wrote a book!"

He also hired his son Dustin Rhodes and pushed him as part of a tag team with Kendall Windham. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (the Windham part of it, that is).

But unlike in the case of Vince McMahon (or, to a lesser extent, Kevin Nash), Dusty's abuse of power wouldn't last forever. In 1988, JCP was taken over by Turner Broadcasting, and they fired his fat ass after Road Warrior Animal "accidentally" stabbed Dusty repeatedly in the eye with a metal spike.

Wait.... did someone say "fat"?

Dusty Rhodes so fat.... he has to use a VCR as a beeper (Wait, VCR? Exactly how OLD are these jokes???)

Chapter Six

Dusty's alternate Pepto-Bismol Pink road uniform.

After leaving JCP, Dusty took on a management role in Florida Championship Wrestling, where he won the heavyweight championship, and pushed his son Dustin Rhodes to a top-flight position. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (in Florida, that is).

Shortly thereafter, the World Wrestling Federation (motto: "Admit it - you love our ice cream bars!") began televising vignettes of a grappler coming into their territory. It was right before the big Koko B. Ware versus Hercules Hernandez main event.

The vignettes would feature a big-boned wrestler, dressed as a garbage man, pizza delivery guy, criminologist or somesuch, acting like the typical All-American Fatass. At the end of each vignette, someone would say "Aren't you.....?"

And they've never tell us who it was! Damn you, WWF! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

Anyhoo... it turned out to be Dusty Rhodes, who would go on to wrestle in an appropriate outfit of ill-fitting leather with polka dots everywhere. The whole idea was supposed to convey that, he's just a common man. Workin' hard with his hands. He's just a common man. Workin' hard for the man.

Hey, he's... Amerrrrrrrricannnnnnnn, Dreaaaaaaammmm.

Hey, he's... Amerrrrrrrricannnnnnnn, Dreaaaaaaammmm.

If you are black or white. REDNECK FUNKY, THAT'S ALRIGHT!

Um..... where was I?

Dusty Rhodes so fat... when he gets on a scale, it says "To be continued".

Chapter Seven

FAH LIFE!

.... He would.

Dusty returned to the newly-christened WCW (motto: "The recognized leaders in... sorry, folks, we're out of time!") and returned to a senior management position. Shockingly, he hired Dustin Rhodes and pushed him as one of the company's top stars. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (ahhhh... whatever).

Dusty also became a color commentator on such programs as WCW Saturday Night, WCW Sunday Afternoon, WCW Tuesday At 3:30 In The Morning and WCW Every Other Wednesday After The Andy Griffith Show. It was there that he came up with such vocabularic (probably not a real word) gems as:

• "On thah muthaship, Tony!"
• "If you weeeel"
• "Funky like a monkey"
• "Takin' it to the pay windah, daddy!"
• "They be clubberin'!"
• "Yes sir, we promised you a great main event...."
• "An-dre The Giant"
• "Wrestle-MANIA!"
• "Hulkamania is running wild!"
• "Rest.... In... Peace"
• "You're... FIIIIIIRED!"
• "If ya smelllllalallala...."  
• "Gimme a 'hell yeah'!"
• "It's what the world is watching!"

• Dusty Rhodes so fat... you have to take two trains and a bus just to get on his good side.

Not to say that Dusty was a bad luck charm, but only 10 years after the returned to WCW, it went belly-up. Coincidence? POSSIBLY!!!

This isn't to say his highlights towards the end of that company were limited to botching the English language -- he also made Ric Flair kiss a donkey's ass on national television, and became the most useless member ever of the nWo.

Chapter Nine

The widescreen version of Dusty's autobiography.

After WCW crumbled (or maybe it was 'slightly before' WCW crumbled; the early-2000's are kind of hazy to me still), Dusty Rhodes kept quite busy.

He competed in ECW, where he fought Steve Corino in a battle of who could produce more scar tissue on their forehead. He joined TNA, where he become the company's authority figure, a select group that has also included Jim Cornette, Erik Watts, Vince Russo, Don Callis, Larry Zybsko, One Of The Harris Brothers and Lord Knows Who Else. He also started up his own promotion, Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling (sorry, haven't quite gotten around to doing a True Wrestling Story on that one yet), which -- shock of shocks -- featured Dustin Rhodes in a main-event role.

In addition.... Dusty penned his own autobiography and came up with the following hilarious joke:

Dusty Rhodes so fat... when he breaks his leg, gravy comes out!

Chapter Ten