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Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Dusty Rhodes
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(Warning: The following True Wrestling Story may be offensive to some readers. Particularly fat readers.)
In the two-plus years we've been telling these "True Wrestling Stories", we've featured World Champions from WWE, WCW and lord helps us, TNA. We've also featured Hall of Famers, magazine writers and even a certain author. But never before in our history have we written the definitive story on someone who's really, REALLY, fat. How fat is he? So much so, that we've decided to include a "Dusty Rhodes so fat..." joke in each HILARIOUS chapter of his life. Which are really just recycled "Yo Mama so fat..." jokes, but whatever. And following that particularly litigious paragraph, I give you... The True Wrestling Story Of Dusty Rhodes. Chapter One
Dusty Rhodes was born Virgil Riley Runnels Jr. in Austin, Texas on October 12, 1945. Yeah. that's right, he was the love child of former Million Dollar Champion Virgil and ex-diva Terri Runnels. So wait.... his mother was also his future daughter-in-law? No wonder he was such a fan favorite in the South. Actually... Dusty was always billed as "the son of a plumber", which doesn't make a ton of sense to me. I mean, who cares? Was he laying the groundwork for a future rivalry with T.L. Hopper or something? You'd never see any World Wrestling Insanity superstars making that claim, such as "Canadian Bulldog, son of a Jewish marketing executive", or "James Guttman, son of a crotchety old army colonel", or "Aaron Wood, son of a bitch". Dusty was also born with a roundish splotch on his torso, which would go on to become the source of his power. Just like Iron Man (Bulldog's Tip Of The Week: GO SEE THIS MOVIE!). Anyways, about 20 years later (just to speed things along), Dusty opted not to go into the family plumbing business and ended up taking a pay cut to work for the American Wrestling Association (motto: "If you love restholds, boy are you in for a treat."). There, he teamed with a young Dick "Trevor" Murdoch as The Texas Outlaws. Aaaaaand.... since no one really cares about the AWA, let's move on to the next chapter, shall we? Well, not before this: Dusty Rhodes so fat... he was baptized in the ocean. Chapter Two
Dusty quickly established himself as a fan favorite throughout regional wrestling territories by showing unbelievable amounts of charisma (e.g. fat). How fat was he? Dusty Rhodes so fat... that he put on some BVD's, and by the time they stretched out, they spell "Boulevard". (Heh - that will never get old....) "Dusty was a working class hero," 'retired' wrestling legend Ric Flair wrote in his autobiography To Be The Man - WOOOO! - You've Got To Beat The Man. Mean - WOOOO!, bah gawd - Gene - You're Looking At The Kiss Stealin', Wheelin' Dealin, Jet Flyin', Limousine Ridin' - WOOOO! - Son Of A Gun. "He won over people because he spoke the white man's rap." His affinity for Eminem aside, Dusty travelled to the NWA Mid-Atlantic Eastern West Missouri Floridian Deep South Up North territory and captured the prestigious World Championship for the first time on August 21, 1979. Though to be fair...I could have told you that happened on May 4, 1977 or October 19, 1981, and you stupid marks wouldn't have known the difference. Am I right? Dusty eventually lost the NWA Championship to Harley Race on February 6, 1977 (or maybe it was March 15, 1969 -- look it up, losers!) in my backyard of Toronto, Canada. Unfortunately, because there wasn't a wrestling arena in my backyard, the only people who ended up seeing it were me, my brother and our old neighbor, Mr. Crabtree (who described it as a **** classic). Chapter Three
Dusty would go on to win the NWA Championship twice more in the 80's from arguably his greatest rival, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. This would also lead into a feud against the Flair-led faction known as The Four Horsemen. "Dusty's feud with The Horsemen was a classic," said Harley Race in his autobiography King Of The Ring: How I Sold Out To Vince McMahon By Wearing A Purple Crown. "Wait, why is Flair commenting in my chapter, and I'm commenting on Flair in his chapter? That just doesn't make any sense!" During this feud,. Dusty lost copious amounts of blood in matches against Flair, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and Barry Windham. He also teased the presence of compromising photos of Blanchard's valet Baby Doll. Hmmm... no offense towards Ms. Doll, but I'd almost rather see compromising photos of Chyna. Almost. But hey, maybe he couldn't land anyone better, because... Dusty Rhodes so fat... he once stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Chapter Four
At the same time he was a main-eventer in the NWA, what many people may not know is Dusty was also the company's head booker (okay, fine - I didn't know that. Happy?). This meant that he was responsible for such groundbreaking concepts as: WarGames -- A wide-eyed teenager (Matthew Broderick) errantly hacks into a top secret supercomputer and nearly starts World War III. Top programmer Dr. McKittrick (Dabney Coleman) figures out what has happened, but it seemed all too real for a few minutes. Starrcade -- A game show in which contestants would answer questions about 1980's video games.
The Midnight Rider -- A 1970 song about how Greg Allman continues on in the face of obstacles. Dusty also perfected a booking strategy known as "The Dusty Finish", which consisted of:
Anyhoo.... Dusty Rhodes so fat... he has to iron his pants on the driveway. Chapter Five
Many said that Dusty Rhodes abused his power as a top executive at Jim Crockett Promotions in the late 1980's, booking himself to win championships (even in Japan, a territory he didn't, technically, run), buying himself a Mercedes, and building a lavish office for the company in Dallas, Texas. "I never actually said any of that," former valet Missy Hyatt wrote in Whore: The Missy Hyatt Story. "I'm just flattered y'all remembered I wrote a book!" He also hired his son Dustin Rhodes and pushed him as part of a tag team with Kendall Windham. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (the Windham part of it, that is). But unlike in the case of Vince McMahon (or, to a lesser extent, Kevin Nash), Dusty's abuse of power wouldn't last forever. In 1988, JCP was taken over by Turner Broadcasting, and they fired his fat ass after Road Warrior Animal "accidentally" stabbed Dusty repeatedly in the eye with a metal spike. Wait.... did someone say "fat"? Dusty Rhodes so fat.... he has to use a VCR as a beeper (Wait, VCR? Exactly how OLD are these jokes???) Chapter Six
After leaving JCP, Dusty took on a management role in Florida Championship Wrestling, where he won the heavyweight championship, and pushed his son Dustin Rhodes to a top-flight position. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (in Florida, that is). Shortly thereafter, the World Wrestling Federation (motto: "Admit it - you love our ice cream bars!") began televising vignettes of a grappler coming into their territory. It was right before the big Koko B. Ware versus Hercules Hernandez main event. The vignettes would feature a big-boned wrestler, dressed as a garbage man, pizza delivery guy, criminologist or somesuch, acting like the typical All-American Fatass. At the end of each vignette, someone would say "Aren't you.....?" And they've never tell us who it was! Damn you, WWF! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! Anyhoo... it turned out to be Dusty Rhodes, who would go on to wrestle in an appropriate outfit of ill-fitting leather with polka dots everywhere. The whole idea was supposed to convey that, he's just a common man. Workin' hard with his hands. He's just a common man. Workin' hard for the man. Hey, he's... Amerrrrrrrricannnnnnnn, Dreaaaaaaammmm. Hey, he's... Amerrrrrrrricannnnnnnn, Dreaaaaaaammmm. If you are black or white. REDNECK FUNKY, THAT'S ALRIGHT!
Um..... where was I?
Dusty Rhodes so fat... when he gets on a scale, it says "To be continued". Chapter Seven
Once in the WWF, Dusty selected a manager the way most of us would: by picking someone randomly from the audience. Instead of getting lucky like Ravishing Rick Rude did by finding Jake Roberts' skanky wife or something, he instead found Sweet Sapphire. No offense to Miss Sapph, but I'd almost rather have Baby Doll. Almost. Soon, The Common Man character began taking off with WWF fans, thanks to exciting (read: unexciting) feuds with Big Boss Man, Honky Tonk Man, Macho Man and Million Dollar Man. Thankfully for him, The Boogeyman had yet to debut, or it would have been a natural. And in a shocking turn of events, Dusty found his son Dustin Rhodes in the audience as well. Somehow, Dusty found him a job on the roster as well. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (in the WWF, that is. Oh, wait...). But Dusty would leave the WWF in 1991, never to be seen there again... .... OR WOULD HE???? (One sec....) Dusty Rhodes so fat... his graduation picture was an aerial shot. Chapter Eight
.... He would. Dusty returned to the newly-christened WCW (motto: "The recognized leaders in... sorry, folks, we're out of time!") and returned to a senior management position. Shockingly, he hired Dustin Rhodes and pushed him as one of the company's top stars. Thank goodness he stopped doing that in later years (ahhhh... whatever). Dusty also became a color commentator on such programs as WCW Saturday Night, WCW Sunday Afternoon, WCW Tuesday At 3:30 In The Morning and WCW Every Other Wednesday After The Andy Griffith Show. It was there that he came up with such vocabularic (probably not a real word) gems as:
Not to say that Dusty was a bad luck charm, but only 10 years after the returned to WCW, it went belly-up. Coincidence? POSSIBLY!!! This isn't to say his highlights towards the end of that company were limited to botching the English language -- he also made Ric Flair kiss a donkey's ass on national television, and became the most useless member ever of the nWo. Chapter Nine
After WCW crumbled (or maybe it was 'slightly before' WCW crumbled; the early-2000's are kind of hazy to me still), Dusty Rhodes kept quite busy. He competed in ECW, where he fought Steve Corino in a battle of who could produce more scar tissue on their forehead. He joined TNA, where he become the company's authority figure, a select group that has also included Jim Cornette, Erik Watts, Vince Russo, Don Callis, Larry Zybsko, One Of The Harris Brothers and Lord Knows Who Else. He also started up his own promotion, Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling (sorry, haven't quite gotten around to doing a True Wrestling Story on that one yet), which -- shock of shocks -- featured Dustin Rhodes in a main-event role. In addition.... Dusty penned his own autobiography and came up with the following hilarious joke: Dusty Rhodes so fat... when he breaks his leg, gravy comes out! Chapter Ten
Dusty Rhodes returned to the World Wrestling Federation in 2005, only to find out it had a new name (World Bodbybuilding Federation) as a "legend", writer and backstage creative force. It was never explained why he was asked to dress up in polka dots and leather underwear while off camera. In the past several years, we've seen Dusty inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, receive his own DVD, action figure, and hell, he even had a Texas Bullrope match last year against professional dullard Randy Orton. Strangely enough, his son Dustin hasn't been seen in a WWE ring since (well, a few times, I guess....), proving that nepotism doesn't always rear its ugly head. In a completely unrelated development, his son Cody Rhodes is currently one of the company's tag team champions. In a career that has spanned more than 30 years, Dusty Rhodes has accomplished pretty much everything one could hope to accomplish. Yet he still never escaped jokes like this: Dusty Rhodes so fat.... he goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
For True Wrestling Stories... I'm Canadian Bulldog.
THE ORIGINAL Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for
World Wrestling Insanity and has published
his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers.
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| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |
