You think you know me?
No, no, no - not Edge. ME - Canadian Bulldog! Why the hell would you think we were talking about him? Don't pretend like you don't know who I am!!!
That said, there are quite a few parallels between myself and the "Rated R Superstar". For example:
Both of us grew up in suburbs of Toronto.
Both of us attended Humber College at the same time in the mid-1990's; in fact, we studied just a few doors down from each other -Edge in the radio broadcasting program; yours truly in journalism.
Both of us attended WrestleMania VI as stupid mark fanboys and regularly attended house shows at Toronto's fabled Maple Leaf Gardens.
Both of us have books you should buy but probably haven't yet.
Both of us have used the catchphrase "BANK ON IT!!!" - Edge on a WWE pay-per-view May 1, 2005; yours truly repeatedly and for several years before that! Not that I'm keeping track of such things, you understand.
Both of us have been divorced.
Both of us had hasty, short-lived marriages to Vickie Guerrero.
So I think I know the man pretty initimately (not in that way, you perverts!). I even have a bunch of old high school yearbook pictures of the guy that I may whip out at any moment.
So, all that said, I think I'm sufficiently qualified to edge-u-cate you stupid marks with this, The True Wrestling Story of Edge.
The year he was doing Marsha Brady, Mrs. Brady AND Alice (1976).
Born Edgeward E. Edgington III (or "Edge" for short), he grew up in the town of Orangeville, Ontario, a place known for growing the tastiest, juiciest oranges this side of Mississauga (untrue).
Edge knew from a young age (eight months) that he wanted to be a professional wrestler, doing everything he could to mimic his favorite stars, such as Hulk Hogan, Randy Macho Man Savage and The Miz.
According to his autobiography "Have A Nice Day: A Tale Of Blood And Sweatsocks", Mick... I mean, Edge lived with his mother (mama's boy) and the two struggled with odd jobs to make ends meet. A radio broadcasting education didn't go far, probably because he was too busy eavesdropping on a certain Bulldog a few doors down from his class in Humber's L Wing.
Soon, Edge entered a newspaper contest to receive free training from legendary Sweet Daddy Siki, a charter member of the nWo (oh, no wait.... I'm confusing him with Big Daddy Cool Diesel. Sorry. Who the f*ck is "Sweet Daddy Siki" then?)
The rest, as they say, is history.
History that will, um, be discussed in the next section.
Admit it - you had a vice-principal that looked just like this (1950).
Working under the name Sexton Hardcastle (heh), Edge toiled in the indies with people like Christian (who started out as Christian Cage, then Christian, then Christian Cage again, and finally Christian), Rhino (who became Rhyno, and then later still, Rhino) and Joe E. Legend (who, um.... who..... has.. um.... a nice ass?)
During his formative years, Edge competed across Canada, braving drives across frozen rivers in Winnipeg, slept on gym mats at native reservations and power-bombed a polar bear (untrue). After a short stint in the Detroit area as part of the stable Thug Life (which, surprisingly, didn't include Tazz or John Cena),
Edge got the phone call would change his life.
And - not coincidentally - a new yearbook photo.
The Ultimate Opportunist/Wolfman (1958).
Back in 1998, the World Wrestling Federation (motto: "What the world is watchi... no, not friggin' Nitro! Us! They're watching US! Why would you even SAY that?") was looking for top young talent to ramp up their program.
When they found out that Brock Lesnar wasn't available yet, they chose Edge.
World Wrestling Federation audiences were first treated to vignettes of the newcomer running around city streets shirtless and screaming at random intervals. Which, oddly enough, is how my employers were first introduced to me, too.
Shortly after debuting, Edge feuded with the vampire Gangrel (real name: Phil Gangrel) and his brother Christian (who isn't REALLY his brother, but instead his uncle) (untrue).
Because it was the Russo-rific 90's, a swerve soon occured in which Edge, Christian and Gangrel became the goth-like Brood stable. Despite having an awesome ring entrance and one of the best theme songs ever (EVER!!!), the trio fizzled out faster than Aaron Wood at a health food store.
They soon became part of The Undertaker's Ministry Of Darkness group, along with an elite group of superstars such as Phineas Godwinn and Men On A Mission Mabel.
Yet even THAT wouldn't last forever. Edge was about to grow up / have another yearbook picture taken.
They totally reeked of awesomeness (1988).
The Brood soon separated from The Ministry Of Darkness (probably because of religious reasons), with Edge and Christian thrust into a series of historically-meaningless matches against storyline "brothers" Matt and Jeff Hardy.
The final bout -- with the affections of Terri "Daughter-In-Law Of A Plumber" Runnels on the line -- was contested using a 300-foot (source: WWE) ladder, with the Hardy Boyz winning the series. The match turned Edge and Christian into fan favorites forever, or at least for a few months.
At WrestleMania 2000 (motto: "A McMahon in every corner; a Patterson in none"), Edge and Christian won their first set of World Wrestling Federation tag team championships, turning heel in the process.
Soon after, they began getting under the skin of fans by declaring they "totally reek of awesomeness", conducting mid-ring five second poses, and poisoning the town's water supply (untrue).
But nothing lasts forever, and after seven runs with the WWF Tag Team Titles, Edge and Christian had to go their separate ways. The Creepy Little Bastard became jealous of his brother/uncle's success and turned on him. The duo would never team ever again.
.... OR WOULD THEY?
At the last moment, Edge used his Money In The Bank briefcase to replace Frankie Avalon at the concert (1954).
..... They wouldn't.
And yet, when opportunity knocked on Edge's door like a salesman pushing a set of grossly overpriced encyclopedias, Edge answered, like a... um, guy, who wants to buy grossly overpriced encyclopedias from a door-to-door salesman.
Drafted to the newly-split SmackDown brand, Edge targeted former Olympic hero Kurt Angle and defeated him in a highly-touted "Loser Must Get Their Head Shaved Forever" match (and just seven years later, the bastard is already reneging on the deal).
From there, he teamed with perennial whipping boy Rey Mysterio to become the second-ever pair of WWE Tag Team Champions, feuding with unforgettable WWE teams such as Kurt Angle and Chris
Benoit Jericho and Chavo Guerrero and Eddie
Guerrero Gilbert Graham Jericho.
Edge also found tag team success with his O.J. Simpson sympathizer Hulk Hogan, winning the World Tag Team Championships from WWE legends
Billy and Chuck Carlito and Primo. Although that may have happened before the Rey Mysterio stuff.
Oh, and I may have forgotten to mention, but he won the Intercontinental Title a whole crapton of times before that.
And the WCW United States Championship.
And the King of the Ring, like, a year earlier.
Crap. Sorry for missing all that, but I was up all night yesterday with my hot stripper girlfriend (untrue).
Edge was often referred to as the Fourth Bee Gee (1978).
Edge had to have neck surgery in 2003 after being injured at the hands of, let's say, Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff (untrue).
By the time he returned a year later, Edge had been drafted by Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw ("Don't switch the channel to Raw tonight - it's taped. Here's what happens: The stupid general manager goes out and.... aw, damn. Sorry guys - force of habit.")
By year-end, Edge had turned full-fledged heel, claiming that the powers-that-be were trying to screw him over (and what is it with Canadian wrestlers always saying that?).
At WrestleMania 21 ("WrestleMania Goes Bollywood"), he captured the Money In The Bank title opportunity. It was here he coined the catchphrase "BANK ON IT!!!", which as I've mentioned numerous times in the past, didn't f*cking belong to him.
(What is it with Canadian wrestlers always stealing my stuff?)
For the next year, not much happened while Edge bided his time and waited to cash in his title shot.
Okay, that's not exactly true....
The Afro-Rated Superstar (1974).
Just for fun... let's take Chapter Seven and replace the names of the real-life participants with those of your favorite Total Nonstop Action (TNA) characters:
In 2005, Kurt Angle broke up with Karen Angle after a long stretch as a couple.
It was soon revealed (via the Internet, natch) that Karen Angle had been shacking up with Jeff Jarrett for several months.
To diffuse the potential tension there, TNA owner Dixie Carter sent Jeff (although, I guess would be Kurt if we were being completely accurate) home.
Eventually, all three parties were brought back to turn it into the summer's hottest worked-shoot angle (and if you don't think Vince Russo hasn't got that on his mind, I have some real estate in The Everglades to sell you!)
Kurt Angle = Matt Hardy
Jeff Jarrett = Edge
Karen Angle = Lita
Dixie Carter = Vince McMahon
Vince Russo = Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
The Everglades = Skinner
The Partridge Family was never quite the same (1970).
With Lita now by his side (Edge's, that is, not Jeff Jarrett's), Edge cashed in his Money In The Bank title opportunity in January 2006, winning the WWE Championship from John Cena, after Cena had defeated some of the most grueling competitors in the business, as well as Carlito and Chris Masters.
The reign was short lived (27 minutes), but Edge and Lita also introduced the world to WWE's first "Live Sex Celebration" on national television, something I happen to enjoy each and every night of my life (untrue).
Edge would regain the championship from Rob "Officer dude, I have no idea why Sabu and I frog-splashed our car through a table" Van Dam and soon targeted Club WWI guest John Cena St. with physical violence.
Edge would successfully defend the title against Cena (Junior, not Senior) at SummerSlam, but would lose the strap basic to the Doctor of Thuganomics at Unforgiven. Which happened to take place in Toronto, where Canadian Bulldog just "happened" to be in attendance.
Coincidence? I don't friggin' think so. That one was for stealing my catchphrase. Payback's a bitch, Copeland!
Show me that smile again (ooh, show me that smile). Don't waste another minute on your crying (1984).
Edge won his second Money In The Bank opportunity the next year, after defeating home-video enthusiast Mr. Kennedy. He used his the very same week, taking advantage of World Champion The Undertaker after a grueling cage match Dave "Not Injured But Will Be Soon Enough" Batista.
But this time around was a little different. Instead of sleeping with Lita to accomplish what he wanted, he had to sleep with Vickie Guerrero. Wow - talk about "trading down".
Guerrero, you see, was the acting General Manager of SmackDown, and she pulled strings to ensure her man remained on top (that's what she said). That included assembling La Familia, a group of the toughest wrestlers ever to combine forces, plus Chavo Guerrero and The Major Brothers. I mean, seriously... La Familia makes JBL's Cabinet look like a bunch of main-eventers.
Edge dropped the title to Undertaker at WrestleMania 24 ("Because headlining with Floyd Money Mayweather makes so much friggin' sense") and immediately after, problems began brewing between the happy couple often referred to (by me) as Vedge.
Their wedding went off without a hitch, unless you count videotaped footage of Edge screwing around with Alicia Fox shown during the ceremony as a "hitch".
And yet... it still ended better than my first marriage... (true)
Stay classy, San Diego (1968).
Earlier this year, Edge dropped Vickie like a bad habit the way most people opt to end their marriages: on national television.
After their marriage was over, things started picking up for him (it usually works that way). Along with Chris Jericho, he captured the "prestigious" Unified World Tag Team Titles, and the duo was poised to carry the gold for a long time.
Or at least a few weeks. Edge tore his achilles tendon last month, putting him out of action indefinitely. Jericho gloated about this fact, and a feud between the two promises to be an exciting one upon Edge's return.
No matter what people say about Edge, no one can disagree that he is the most influential and innovative Canadian wrestler of all time (untrue).
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at email@example.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.