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Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Jerry "The King" Lawler
By Canadian Bulldog
Previous "True Wrestling Stories": 2007 (Part One) 2007 (Part Two) 2008 (Part One) 2008 (Part Two)
Andre the Giant
Kurt Angle Bill Apter Stone Cold Steve Austin
Canadian Heroes
John Cena ECW Edge Mick Foley
The Four Horsemen
James Guttman
Hulk Hogan Kane
Shawn Michaels The Monday Night Wars
The Montreal Screwjob
Kevin Nash
Cowboy Bob Orton Rowdy Roddy Piper
Dusty Rhodes
Jake the Snake Roberts Samoa Joe Tito Santana
Macho Man Randy Savage
Sting TNA
The Undertaker
Wrestling and Religion
I know what you're thinking (besides, of course 'Wow! I can't wait to leaf through all those old TWS columns, given how it must have taken Bulldog like six effing weeks to put that all together!'). You're thinking "Why are dedicating your 35th True Wrestling Story to that Raw announcer dude who chases women young enough to be his granddaughter?" Truth is, Jerry "The King" Lawler has been around wrestling for, like, 950 years, and has had quite the interesting career. Plus, his "King" moniker isn't just a nickname - Lawler is actually a descendent of royalty. I even have photographic proof that his blood is blue (though not literally, because that would be kind of gross). You'll see pictures of Lawler's regal lineage throughout this, The True Wrestling Story Of Jerry The King Lawler.
Chapter One
Jerry Lawler began his career in Memphis, Tennessee - a city where people routinely spent days on end sitting on their porch with pet sows, drinking unsweetened iced tea while wearing bib overalls and straw hats (source: Memphis Chamber of Commerce). Unlike most grapplers that actually, you know, trained to get into the business, a teenaged Lawler got the attention of announcer Lance Russell by drawing pictures of the most popular grapplers of the era, such as Fabulous Jackie Fargo, Karl Gotch and Abraham Lincoln. Russell was so impressed with Lawler's cartoons that he invited him to appear on the Memphis Wrestling show. That reminds me of the time I won that 2,000 square-foot townhouse on the first WWF In Your House pay-per-view (wait.... what the hell is this, Family Guy?). The rest, as they say, is history. Crap - I've still got nine chapters left to go.... Chapter Two
Smartened up to the wrestling business by Fargo (the wrestler whose life inspired the Coen Brothers movie after the car salesman who'd arranged for his wife to be kidnapped), Lawler started his wrestling career in Memphis. At first, he was a glorified jobber, losing to top stars on a regular basis. Kind of like he's used now, come to think of it. Hmmmm.... It was around this time (1970-something) that Lawler became known as The King of Memphis. Possibly because Elvis Presley had become too fat (Source: Rolling Stone). By pulling his strap down, dropping a fist from the top rope and hitting them with his illegal piledriver, Lawler turned back such vaunted challengers as Jerry "Jeff" Jarrett, "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, Plowboy Frazier, Sputnik Monroe, Bugsy McGraw, Cap Anson, Honus Wagner, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, Ty Cobb and George Hackenschmidt. Chapter Three
The King was being managed in early 1980-something by Jimmy "Come on, Hammer - Get 'im! Get 'im, Hammer. Come on, baby. Ahahahahahahaha!" Hart when he injured his knee (Source: Knee Injuries Quarterly). Hart abandoned his charge, effectively turning Lawler face (did I mention he was previously a heel? Aw, crap). This began a, like, 40 year feud with all of Hart's First Family, which included at times Kamala (real name: Phil Kamala), Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Lanny "Not So Much A Man" Poffo, Austin Idol, and.... wait a second. "Austin Idol"? Sounds like a reality show more than it does the name of a wrestler: Simon: That was absolutely terrible. You kept flipping off the crowd and shouting "WHAT?" between sentences. Paula: You really got to me there. You're tryin' really hard, and I definitely want to see you take it to the next level. Also, I don't particularly want to get Stunned. Randy: I tell ya what, dog. You showed a lotta fire out there tonight. When you caught those two beers and smashed them together, dog, that was excellent. And that's the bottom line.
Where were we? Oh, right.... Chapter Four.
Chapter Four
Instead of giving you a plain, boring recap of Lawler's feud with comedian Andy Kaufman, the way "Old School" Mike Rickard might, I'm going to write a song parody here, sung to the tune of the Kaufman-themed "Man On The Moon" by R.E.M.:
King Jerry Lawler had a plot he'd hatched. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Taking on Kaufman in a wrestling match. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Celebrities wrestling? That's a new one, there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Just 20 years later, it became standard fare. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And even though the match had only one move. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
It was Andy freaking Kaufman; what'd HE have to prove? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey Andy, are you goofing on kayfabe, baby; or are you breaking laws? If you believed that these guys finished their feud - finished their feud. I've got some Arizona, ocean front property - to sell you. (Repeat until fade)
As the song suggests, the Lawler-Kaufman feud raged on for several years, packing Memphis' Mid-South Coliseum to capacity (78 people). Kaufman died in 1984 before the two could have a blow-off Hell In A Cell match (source: Pro Wrestling Illustrated). Chapter Five
It was around this time that Lawler became one of the nation's top independent grapplers, and he knew that, in order to ascend to the next level, he had to compete for the World's championship. Instead, he went to the American Wrestling Association (motto: "You ain't Gagne; you ain't shit") and on May 9, 1988, captured their sub-par version of the World Title from Curt "Vince McMahon Makes Money Off Me Even After I'm Dead By Selling DVD's About Me" Hennig. Lawler kept the AWA title for about nine months, unifying it with the World Class championship after defeating Kerry "Hey, Curt - Me Too! At Least They Kept Your Kid In Their Farm System..." Von Erich. Lawler was stripped of the title for not defending it frequently enough, and the belt was eventually awarded to Larry "Not Dead Yet, And Even When I Am Chances Are Vince McMahon Won't Make A DVD About Me" Zybsko. Chapter Six
After the AWA debacle, Lawler returned the old Jarrett territory (the Memphis-based one that uses washed-up names and provides screwjob endings, as opposed to the Orlando-based one that.... well, you get the picture). But an interesting thing happened there... When Lawler competed in Texas rings, he was booed. When he competed in Memphis rings, he was cheered. And when he competed in Delaware rings..... well, that didn't happen a hell of a lot (source: Delaware Herald-Times/Weekly Shopper). After a while, Lawler realized there may be more to life than constantly wrestling Bill Dundee and The Moondogs week after week after stinking week.... so he packed his bags and headed north. Chapter Seven
Lawler debuted on World Wrestling Federation programming in late 1992. He appeared on syndicated program WWF Superstars Of Wrestling along with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Vince "The Ass" McMahon. He made sporadic wrestling appearances in the bouts such as the Royal Rumble and the Royal Rumble pinball game. He also hosted his own talk show (Donahue) and became the "man you loved to hate" on WWF programming because of verbal assaults against the likes of William Shatner and Tiny Tim. In retrospect, though, it probably would have made more sense for us to not hate on him for those things. At the King of the Ring in 1993, Lawler challenged new king Bret "Hit Man" Hart to a match, launching a feud that would last approximately 17 years (source: James Guttman). The rivalry included such classic bouts as the "Kiss My Foot" match, the "Kiss My Ass" match, the "Kiss My Grits" match and the "Shut Up And Kiss Me, You Fool" match. Chapter Eight
Over the next few years, Lawler would feud with Jake "The Snake" Roberts about Roberts's alleged (source: everyone) substance abuse problems. I'm not sure what substances are we're talking about, but I'm sure it wasn't the pot calling the kettle black! Yeah, I bet Jerry really cracked that particular case and made himself the heroin of this tale! It's... it's.... it's a good thing he wasn't drunk with power! Yessir, Lawler certainly reached an all-time high with this feud! HAH! Jake The Snake really had soma nerve challenging The King! I guess... I guess... I guess you could say he had free-base cocaine all over his... Sorry, where was I? Lawler would also do battle with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper over... well, I can't remember what the hell it was over. All I remember is that Lawler employed a scrawny Piper lookalike who eventually turned on him for no reason (and no, I checked... Vince Russo didn't have the book yet). Around this time, part of Lawler's shtick was to pretend that the future "Grandmaster Sexay", Brian Christopher wasn't really his son. I can't say I'd have done that any differently. If it was Scotty 2 Hotty, fine, I'd probably defend the freaky-haired kid. If it was Rikishi? You bet your (dimpled) ass I'd be claiming paternity for that guy. But Brian Christopher? Not so much. Lawler also feuded with The Ultimate Warrior (real name: The Ultimate Marvin), including a memorable segment where Warrior wore a baseball cap on his head for the first time ever (EVER!!!), solely to avoid being smashed over the head with a plate-glass picture frame. But of course, Lawler didn't gain fame in the World Wrestling Federation by feuding with once-famous wrestlers. He got over by talking about women's tits. Chapter Nine
Lawler's "Look, JR! Puppies - woo hoo!" catchphrase would become as much a symbol of the Attitude Era as: "Hellllllllllo, ladies! You know, The Big Valbowski's women and Aaron Wood have something in common - they both suck!"; "I'm gonna end The Undertaker's unbeaten streak at WrestleMania!"; "HBK is passed out backstage again!"; and "Sting is finally going to confront the nWo, and... sorry, folks, we're out of time!" Along with "The Voice Of WWE Until We Decide To Shitcan Him Again" Jim Ross, the two became hallmarks of WWF's flagship Monday Night Raw program. The duo was so popular, they were asked to call games for the revolutionary XFL (motto: "Still better than that wimp-ass Canadian Football League"). Still, there was trouble in paradise. Lawler's pre-teen wife Stacy "The Kat, Spelled With A K; Kind Of Like Them Kit Kat Chocolate Bars" Carter was fired by the WWF, forcing Lawler to resign from the company in protest. Now.... you'd think Lawler, at the time on wife # 3, would know that age-old adage about women - "Women - you can't live with 'em; pass the beer nuts" (source - Norm Peterson). After he quit, Carter divorced Lawler quicker than Jeff Hardy goes through rehab (too soon?). As a result, Lawler was out of the World Wrestling Federation, never to return. ..... OR WOULD HE??? Chapter Ten
.... HE WOULD. Lawler would return to Raw at the end of the company's InVasion angle (motto: "Now let us never speak of it again"), replacing Paul "Writing Checks His Ass Can't Cash Since 1993" Heyman on the microphone. Today, Lawler continues to announce on WWE's flagship program, and in 2007, was inducted into the company's Hall of Fame. Probably because they owed him money or something (source: Jerry's loan shark). Hmmm.... how should I end this trainwreck of a column? I've got it! If you believed that these guys finished their feud - finished their feud. I've got some Arizona, ocean front property - to sell you. (Repeat until fade)
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
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3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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