"Woo Woo Woo - I'm lovin' it!" - Zack McRider, 2012
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT RACIST edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm licensed chiropractor Canadian Bulldog and we have a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick trivia question:
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Who was the final ECW Champion?
(A) Bruno Santamartina
(B) That Guy Who Did The Punching/Kicking Crap
(C) Michelle McCruel
(D) SHNITSKY!!!
(E) Yes. |
Answer at the end of the column!!!
"The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor
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Here Comes The Paint: If my sources (Thank YOU, Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter!) are to be believed, then "The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor is on his way back to the WWF!
For those of you too stupid to remember Brock, he has the guy best known for flipping backwards on his head during a WrestelMania main event against Kur Tangle. But here's what he's been up to since leaving the employ of World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited:
2004 - Joined the National Football League's Minnesota Timberwolves, where he scored four touchdowns; not in one season, but in one game!
2005 - Captured the prestigious All Japan/New Japan/Old Japan/Rare Japan "IGWP" Championship from Funaki or some shit.
2007 - Was recruited by Dana Wright to wrestle in the Allllllllllll-timate Fighting Championship, and set the world on fire in a submission loss to Frank Meer.
2009 - Defeated Randy "R-Truth" Cachoor to become the AFC Champion.
2009 - Died after suffering from mono or some crap during a hunting trip in Canada.
2010 - Returned to AFC after his illness and defeated "The Franchise" Shane Corwinn to become the first-ever Undisputed Champion. He then confronted The Ordertaker at ringside, laying the groundwork for their inevitable WrestelMania bout.
2010 - Was defeated by Kane Velasquez for the AFC strap.
2011 - Retired from MMMA competition after dying.
Not sure what Brock's next move will be, although.... could he the man behind 1/2/12? BANK ON IT!!!
Guess which WWF Superstar will be the next one to write a book?
Pardon my French, but pourquoi diable ne s'est pas le debut de Brutus Clay already? One week, he's acting as the (sexy) manservant of Alberto Dellerio, and the next week he's disappeared from WWF programming? Monday Night Raw Interim Owner John
Laurenidas
Lorrinidas
Lourenits Johnny Ace has promised to debut big bad Brutus for a couple of weeks now without delivering on his promise.
Expect Brutus to enter this month's Regal Rumble! But because they have to do better than last year's Rumble, it will feature 65 men instead! And in the end, it will be Brutus Clay, Corky Kingston and Jay Uso! And Brutus will throw both of them out, using only his powerful (and sexy) legs! But it turns out that Santana Marella was hiding under the ring the whole time again and he'll go on to win the match! But instead of choosing to face either the WWF or Other World Champion, he will agree to film a hilarious vignette at the "how you say, Burger King restaurants"! And it will be the best Road to WrestlelMania ever!
EVER!!!
Jon Cena
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Is a former NWA T&A (Tits & Ass) Champion looking to return to the company in time for the Final Resurrection PPV? No idea; why do you ask?
See Nation: Is it just my imagination, or are many of you stupid marks starting to jeer former WWF Spinning World Champion Jon Cena these days? And if so.... WHY????
What is it the promising youngster has done to any of you? Sure, he may not be as technically skilled as See 'Em Punk, or as aggressive as Triple HHH, or as dashingly handsome as Sexual Mark Chocolate, but he still... um.... well, you know.....
Okay, fine. Boo him if you want. Just make sure you're ready to support him again when it comes time for his big WrestelMania XX88 match against Dwayne "The Rock" Jackson.
And finally, here are some predictions for some of the exciting things that may happen in 2012. I call this "2012 Predictions":
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Bryan Daniels will finally cash in his "Money Down The Bank" title opportunity.
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See 'Em Punk will continue to be "The Voice Of The Homeless"..... until he's silenced in April by none other than the returning Ex-Pack!
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Carma will return from her pregnancy weighing just 115 lbs. (the fat was actually baby weight!). Her 9 month old son will feud with Hornswiggle.
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Also returning to WWF will be Rod Van-Damme, Bookie T and Zolph Diggler.
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Returning to T&A will be No One Good.
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A science experiment gone horribly wrong will somehow combine The Great Collie and The Best Show into one 14-foot world's largest athlete.
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Someone will suffer an injury.
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Huge Douche Canoe Matt Hardee will
complain tell his "fans" that he's learned the error of his ways, and that things will get better in his life from here on in.
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Andrew The Giant will continue to be deceased.
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Making this year's WWF Hall of Fame will be Goal Dust, King Harvey Race, "Iron" Mark Sharp, The Killer B's, and in the celebrity wing, Floyd "Monkey" Mayweather.
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Y2K Chuck Jericho will make his return to WWF around SummerScam.
And finally (I know I already said 'finally', but it was an ~OMG SWERVE!!!), guess who's coming back to ClubWWI.com after an absence of a couple of months? Check out the attached animated short "Enter The Bulldog" for one big-ass hint!!!
That about does it for this month! I'll be back soon and remember, if you heard it here first, it's.... Inside The Ropes!!!
Canadian Bulldog has been writing about professional wrestling since 2003, and became a WWI Superstar at
World Wrestling Insanity
in January 2006. Check out his "Complete and Utter Bulldog" podcast at
Club WWI
; like his
Facebook
page, and follow him on
Twitter.
