Inside The Ropes: T&A Power Struggle, WrestelMania Lineup, Raping Gloves, A Mountain Lion and MORE!!!
By Canadian Bulldog
Feb 21, 2012 - 1:37 PM
"Boobs To Asses!" -- Dwayne "The Rock" Jackson
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS edition of Inside The Ropes!!! I'm prospective kidney donor Canadian Bulldog, and we have a lot to get to this week, but first a quick trivia question:
Answer at the end of this column!!!
And now, onto the news...
Creative Control: If you stupid marks thought you knew everything there is to know about the power structure of NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass).... then think again!
Recently, figurehead President Eric Bischov walked to up to creative mastermind Vince Rousseau and said "You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRED" ! And he said it in a growling angry voice because he was pretending he was actually firing Vince MacMahon! And then Bischov replaced him with some former WWF television writer named Dave Lasagna! And the only thing Lasagna ever produced was a vignette in 2006 featuring Boogie Man slow-dancing with Hornswiggle! And because of the big shakeup, Double Jeff Jarrod won't be allowed to main event anymore and he will run a second-hand clothing store in Memphis! And Hal Kogan will tweet: "This is gonna be the thing that finally pushes us over the top, brother! Go to hell, Jim Helwig! Can't feel my spine anymore. Love HH"! And they're now going to institute a rule that you can't do any more top rope moves! And the wrestlers won't be able to bring their relatives backstage, except for Eric Yung! And they'll replace the "soft" plastic blue mats around ringside with a bed of rusty nails and a sign advertising Direct Auto Insurance! And that will lead to the returns of Bubba the Sponge Love, Pac-Man James and that douchebag from Survivor! And it will be the best creative moves ever!
What ever happened to Jobbers? I remember they always used to be on WWF Superstars or WCW Power Hour or whatever and the one day - BAM! - disappeared. I could understand if some of them retired because they didn't like constantly losing to Bad Boss Man or King Hachoo, but where did they go? A plane crash somewhere? MMA?
Also, has anyone seen "Mr. Perfect" Kirk Henning lately?
Take Care, Spike Your Hair, Say A Prayer: As if he hasn't been through enough lately, what with his recent breakup with Eva on Valentine's Day, fans of "New England Iced Z" Zack Writer had best be on their knees praying that the Internet meme sensation gets better soon!!!
|The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain|
As you all know by know unless you're idiots, Writer was recently ambushed by none other than Kain. It seems The Big Stupid Red Machine was upset at Jon Cena for not 'Rising Up Against Embracing Hate' and during a recent conflict, he accidentally choked Writer with his new raping glove and threw him off the stage (thinking he was really Cena), onto a platform that was made with Lego or some shit.
Writer was given a neckbrace to wear like Bobby The Brian Heenan had back in the day, and has to get to and from arenas via wheelchair.
Has the former Major Brother seen his last in-ring activity? BANK ON IT!!!
And another (less interesting) situation: At the recent T&A paper-view, flip-floppy Ex Division guy Jesse Morrison (no relation to John; possibly to Jim) was kicked in the back of the neck by sexy young up and comer Xena Ion and had to be taken away by an ambulance (Kain wasn't driving this one; I checked). Look for this to be turned into a gimmick where Ion always injures guys until he works his way up to former Olympic hero Kur Tangle, who will injure himself.
What's going on with that wrestler who used to do that stuff?
Who peed in Michael Coal's cornflakes? For some reason, the "Voice of The WWF" has recently been "at odds" with his longtime broadcasting "partner" Jerry "The King" Lawyer. What gives, Mike?
Woh-oh-oh, woh-oh-oh, WrestelMania, fighting to survive (just like that, just like that): We are less than six months away from WrestelMania XX28, but there's only match that has been announced so far for "The Stepdaddy Of Them All"):
But as a public service to you stupid marks, I have decide to gaze into my crystal (meth) ball and give you, for the first time ever (EVER!!!) a sneak-preview of Wrestel-FREAKING-Mania!!!
The Best Show vs. Some Random Guy
While this already has the makings of a ****** classic on paper, there's one intangible: Who is Some Random Guy? What are his credentials? How did he get booked on the biggest wrestling show of the year? What's his sexual orientation (out of curiousity only)? Nevertheless, 'overcoming impossible odds' is The Best Show's middle name (His first name? Larry).
Triple HHH vs. Health Salter
Because Triple HHH said "no" to his chance to break "The Steak", an entire world of possibilities has opened up. The championship committee will give him Health Salter because Heath, in his own words, is pretty darn good.
King Shaymus vs. Beth From Phoenix
When King Shaymus won the Regal Rumble, everyone just assumed that he would challenge for a Boy's title. But remember what happens when you assume - you make an ass out of assuming me. Look for Beth From Phoenix to go over.
Shackeel O'Neil vs. Daniel Bryanson
Yes, the rumors are true: Shack is going to be in a wrestling ring! What better opponent for the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time NBA Champion than fellow vegetarian Daniel Bryanson? And unlike Shack's hit film "Kazoo", this time there won't be a director to yell "Cut"!!!
See 'Em Punk vs. Opponent To Be Named Later
See 'Em Punk has a tough challenge ahead of him, as he doesn't know who the h**k he's being challenged by! If I were writing things (and I'm not), I'd probably pair The Second City Television Saint against David Otongo or one of the Yousso Brothers.
ThEdge vs. Y J Stinger Chris Jericho
Never before has.... oh, wait, this one already happened. Never mind.
The Ordertaker vs. Kain
These real-life brothers have never fought before, and certainly not under the bright lights of WrestelMania!!! Will Kain's new mask and raping glove be enough to overcome The Death Man's 109-0 unbeaten streak?
Randy Orson vs. Gender Mahall
This one needs a bit of explaining: After weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks of losing on television, Gender is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore! Will the target of his rage be the Apex Sexual Predator? Possibly!!!
Money Down The Bank Ladder Match
It looks here like we've got Hornswiggle, Bryan Danielson, Mike Tyson's Kid, Roy Mystereo Junior and A Large Mountain Lion, as well as Various Others, all looking to challenge the (male) champion of their choosing when the time is right. Look for the team of to come out on top.
And that about does it for this month. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!!!