And now, onto the news...
See Em Punk
Do you feel lucky, Punk?: By now the entire world knows that Straight-edged Superstar See 'Em Punk stole the WWF World Title from Jon Cena at the Money Down The Bank paper-view after Vince MacMahon and John
Leurinatis Ace interfered. But did you know that Punk is legitimately finished with the company?!?
According to my sources (wwe.com), he's refusing to give the championship belt back! And now he's going to defend it in crappy little indy promotions like Ring Of Horror and Stu Stone's NWA Hollywood! And the promoter at some spot show in Wheeling, WV is going to force Punk to drop the strap to The Honky Tonky Man for some reason! And then just as the referee (the promoter's cousin) is going to hand over the Spinning World Title, The Mysterious Raw GM is going to chime in and Michael Coal is going to say "Can I get your attention for a moment? I've just received an SMS message on my Android phone from the Anonymous GM, and he says that this is going to be a triple-threat match and the third competitor will be.... Zak Rider! And the stupid marks will wet their pants because of all of the OMG INSIDER REFERENCES~! And it will be the best 100-percent-based-on-fact angle ever!
Is a certain former WCW announcer we all know and love considering a return to the national spotlight? No idea.
Drugs and Mexicans don't mix: What the (pardon my language) fudge has gotten into masked sensation Sink Hara? One minute he's flip-flopping around WWF rings under fruity spotlights and botched moves, and the next minute.... he's suspended for violating the Wellness Policy? (For those of you too dumb to know, the Wellness Policy is backstage code for addicted to drugs.)
What's the problem, Sink? Things were going so well for you until you decided to put the high back into highspots! Why soil the proud drug-free legacy of your Latino predecessors like Eddie Guerrera and Razor Raymond?
Has anyone noticed that The Icon Stink has slowly transformed from happy-go-lucky emo Crow to happy-go-lucky crazy Joker?
The Icon Stink
I can't imagine what could have possibly happened in the T&A storylines to drive him crazy. Was it:
The gimmick where he was turned heel because he needed to teach respect to cocky young whippersnappers like Samoan Joe and BJ Styles?
The gimmick where he joined Bookie T, Kur Tangle, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash and, well, Samoan Joe and they called themselves the WCW Mafia?
The gimmick where he hid in the rafters for no apparent reason other to piss off Hal Kogan and Eric Bischov after management ordered everyone to pretend like it was still 1997?
The gimmick where he threatened TNA Storyline President Ditsy Carter unless she started making the storylines better (Vince Rousseau scrapped the end of that one at the last minute because he didn't think it was realistic enough).
The gimmick where he came to the ring to Jonny Cash music and pretended to be The Ordertaker after management ordered everyone to pretend they were WWF?
The gimmick where he was upset that Drug Abuser Jeff Hardee was high on life and possibly drugs?
No one knows for sure, but one thing's for sure: Much like WWI's own Artie Lee, this latest development equals ratings!!!
Radny Orton (w/creepy beard)
I hear voices in my phone: Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk over the telephone with former World Champion "The Apex Sexual Predator" Radny Orton. What follows is the UNEDITED transcript:
CB: Is this Radny Orton?
RKO: No, dog. This is Randy Jackson.
CB: Why yes, I am Bulldog! Question number one: How angry are you right now at The Christian for his recent actions?
RKO: I'm not a religious man, dog. I try not to judge people on their beliefs.
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number two: Are you really psychotic like you play on TV?
RKO: Look, dog. It's all part of the job. Plus, it's tough being out there with Steven and Jennifer week after week. But it's still better than dealing with Simon; ya feel me, dog?
CB: The guy who had the patented Simon System?
RKO: Um, sure...
CB: So if I can paraphrase, you're saying it's just a "work" to fool "the marks" and/or "the boys in the back"?
RKO: Remind me, how did you get my number again, dog?
CB: Yes, I'm Bulldog! We get it! Geez... Anyways, last thing: we ask all of our guests the same question. If you could have a match against anyone -- maybe it someone from a different era, or maybe it was someone you never crossed paths with... who would it be?
RKO: What kind of question is that?
CB: I dunno. James Guddman uses it all the time.
RKO: Listen, dog. I think I have to get g...
CB: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)
If there's anyone you want The Notorious D.O.G. to interview in future editions of ITR, be sure to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org or on the World Insanity Wrestling forums!!!
Well, that about does it from here. See you stupid marks again in July 2015 (or maybe in a month or so). And remember, if you read it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!!!
Canadian Bulldog has been writing about
since 2003, and became a WWI Superstar at
World Wrestling Insanity
in January 2006. Need more Bulldog?
Check him out on
, and order his
of nutty prank e-mails.