In the interests of full and fair disclosure, this was an assignment given to me by future World Wrestling Insanity Hall of Famer James Guttman. He knew that I'm a regular Martha Stewart in the kitchen (how he knew that... well, you don't want to know) and asked me if I, the infamous Canadian Bulldog, could somehow replicate a favorite snack from his childhood.

For those of you who have never heard of WWF Ice Cream Bars, these were just the best things ever (EVER!!!). You had a generous hunk of vanilla ice cream sandwiched between two boards that adorned the likenesses of WWF Superstars such as Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage and Outback Jack (seriously - they did have an Outback Jack bar. It tasted a little like koala).

Just look at "The Mouth Of The South" Jimmy Hart proudly holding his bar up for the world to see. Now... Hart's stable was feuding with Hogan at the time. But he knew that the best way to get into the head of the WWF Champion was think like him. And what better way to think like him than to eat ice cream bars that kind of looked like him?

Bottom line: Back in 1987, I -- and everyone like me -- wanted to be JUST like Jimmy Hart, solely based on his choice of frozen dessert. It was that good! I can completely understand why Guttman wanted me to whip him up a batch (though I can't understand why he also asked me to make those teapot cozies. Oh well.)

So enough backstory. Do you wanna make them or what? Great. Here's what you're going to need....

One (1) box of ice cream sandwiches. And I DO mean a box of them. Don't cheap out on me and buy, like one sandwich from your local 7-Eleven. If you do, it will come back to bite you on the ass (not literally).

One (1) pair of scissors.

One (1) package of multicolored popsicle sticks.

One (1) WWF scratch logo-era beer cozy.

One (1) package of The Keg (tm) brand steak seasoning. Now... I know other people prefer other brands of seasoning and that's fine. Feel free to substitute.

One (1) package of markers that you took from my son's bedroom when he wasn't looking.

One (1) package of gag-gift style "Hot Pepper Gum". Haha! Look at the guy's face! His mouth is literally on fire because of the hot peppery flavor!! Serves him right for chewing on generic-looking "Fruity" brand gum!

One (1) copy of the July 1992 WCW Magazine, with Sting ("As long as I'm breathing, the belt stays mine!") on the cover. Again, it doesn't HAVE to be this issue; if you have the August or October ones, feel free to substitute.

One (1) largish purple plastic mixing bowl.

Several other ingredients I've forgot to mention here.

Okay, so now that you have everything you'll need, it's time to make some ice cream bars. So, WWI Nation.... are you ready?

I said... ARE.... YOU.... READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?

Then, for the thousands in attendance, and millions more watching at home.... llllllllllllllllllllllllet's get ready..... TO MAKE IT! (lame, I know)

Directions:

1) Unwrap package containing ice cream sandwich. DON'T EAT IT!

2) Carefully peel the chocolate cookies from both sides of the ice cream sandwich. Don't be a dumbass and put your thumbprint in the ice cream like I did.

3) Place the ice cream portion in the freezer, next to my package of Pizza Pops and a tub of chocolate ice cream that I've probably had for 18 months.

4) Use the scissors and cut cookie-shaped rectangles in the ice cream sandwich box (in my defense... I DID tell you you'd need the box earlier).

5) Here's where the fun begins. Use my son's magic markers to create drawings of your favorite WWE superstars on the cardboard pieces. Feel free to use images in the WCW Magazine for inspiration, though to be honest, most of the guys in that issue are now dead.

But don't let it get you down. I decided to create some of the biggest names in the industry today, such as:

From Monday Night Raw - Highlander Rory

From Friday Night SmackDown! - Chuck Palumbo

From ECW on SciFi - Big Daddy V

and from.... well, I'm not sure which brand he's with any more - The Great Khali

6) Remember how Gorilla Monsoon used to say "stick a fork in him -- he's done!"? Well, now you stick a popsicle stick in the frozen ice cream and he's done.

Only...um, there's still a couple of more steps to go...

7) Carefully affix your cardboard pieces to the frozen ice cream. Feel free to use carpentry glue or scotch tape if it doesn't stick naturally to the surface.

8) Dig in and enjoy!

Wow... they're exactly like I remember them.

Well, okay - maybe not exactly. I think it's because I have a more sophisticated palate than I did when I was 12.

Also the cardboard-y taste.

Still -- WWE ice cream bars!

If Jimmy Hart were still alive today, I have no doubt in my mind, he'd be digging into one of these bad boys today. We can only use advanced technology to see what that might look like:

By the way, JG -- you're welcome.

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more information.