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World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: All You Can Eat!
By Canadian Bulldog
It's been a few weeks since we've presented Breaking News on World Wrestling Insanity, so why not take a minute to get better acquainted with my body of work (updated May 2009 - press the sound icon for background music):
Ugandan Miracle! Kamala Image Discovered On Pancake
(Fort Myers, Florida) - The image of former World Wrestling Federation superstar Kamala was discovered today, burned into a buttermilk pancake at the Fort Myers IHOP. "I don't know how it happened," said Carl Surhoff, who received the pancake in question adorning the likeness of the Ugandan Headhunter. "The only explanation I have is that it's a sign from above." Kamala terrorized WWF rings on and off between 1986 and 1993, plied his trade on the indepedent circuit, recorded a CD of original music, and even appeared in a best-selling wrestling book. However, this appears to be the first documented case of him appearing on top of griddled pancake batter. Surhoff plans to save his Kamala Cake (he did eat the others) and preserve it in a sandwich baggie, charging locals upwards of $5 a pop to view the food in question. "I can tell you that this didn't happen by accident," Surhoff said. "Kamala appeared on my pancake for a reason. Just like that time in 2004 when Sika was staring up at me from a grilled cheese sandwich."
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Oh, You Didn't Know?
Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling
Oh, you didn't know... that former WWE superstar and Hollywood C-Lister Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has an affinity for a certain type of "pie"? Boston Creme. -30- Buddy Rose Autopsy Results In Wrestler's Death Related To "Blow-Away Diet"
(Portland, OR) - Autopsy results show that former professional wrestler "Playboy" Buddy Rose died because of complications related to the Blow-Away Diet. Rose, a slim, trim 217 pounds throughout his notable wrestling career, was a well-known proponent of the diet, which involved lathering oneself in what looked to be talcum powder, and then sitting in front of an oversized fan. "It's a rather dangerous choice of lifestyle," noted nutritionist Dr. Jean Peterson told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "Some people's metabolisms just weren't be meant to be blown away." Peterson, who has also studied the adverse effects of IcoPro ("You've gotta want it!") used in controlled environments, says many dieters "over-blow" themselves beyond the level that a healthy human being should be doing. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is currently investigating how much Blow-Away powder one can safely apply.
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Aaron Wood Tried To Eat 7,000 Corndogs In One Sitting, Bulldog Says
(Edinburgh, Scotland) - Aaron Wood, a fellow writer at World Wrestling Insanity.com, once tried to eat 7,000 corndogs in a single sitting.
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Marella Launches Cereal
Santin-O's "Greatest Breakfast Cereal For All Of The Times"
(I dunno... Cereal City?) - Perennial World Wrestling Entertainment joke Santino Marella claims his brand new breakfast has the potential to be the greatest cereal "for all of the times." "My breakfast cereal is better than the Cookied Crisp, or Fruity Stupid Pebbles," Marella told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "Every time you take a bite of Santino, it is like, how you say, an explosion on your mouth." Santin-O's, which contains 19 essential vitamins and minerals to maintain a healthy unibrow, has been named "part of this complete breakfast" by no less an authority than completely-unrelated Surgeon General Santina Marella. Each box of delicious Santin-O's contains a valuable prize inside, such as a miniature Italian flag, or stickers of Jimmy Kimmel's cousin. -30-
WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week
World Wrestling Insanity columnist and Club WWI.com subscriber Matt Dawgs writes: "Remember when Hulk Hogan always told everyone to say their prayers and eat their vitamins? Well, my great-aunt Martha Dawgs started doing the EXACT SAME THING recently, when she was diagnosed with leukemia."
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on... Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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