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World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: Angle, McMahon, Undertaker, Battle Kat and MORE!!!

By Canadian Bulldog
Jul 28, 2009 - 3:42 PM


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"Two Can Play At That Game, Jeff !"
Kurt Angle Moves In With Jerry Jarrett

It's real (except for the poorly-Photoshopped image). It's damn real.

(Memphis, TN) - You've heard of "an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth." But how about "a wife for a dad" ?

Total Nonstop Action "World" Champion Kurt Angle has figured out the best way to get his revenge on company founder Jeff Jarrett: by moving in with Jeff's estranged father.

The controversy began with the younger Jarrett allegedly living with Angle's ex-wife Karen Angle and his children, according to reputable information sources such as Hotrasslinscoops.com and Cutandpastecentral.net.

The Olympic gold medalist, who won in 1996 with a broken freaking neck, admits he simply initially sought out a living arrangement with Jerry Jarrett as "payback" on his son. However, the relationship has blossomed into something much deeper than that, Angle admits.

"Jerry is like the father I never had," said Angle, whose own father died in a construction accident when he was a teenager. "We do everything - go fishing, watch ball games.... we even train for our future MMA careers together!"

In retalliation, Jeff Jarrett is planning to adopt Kurt's lookalike brother Eric Angle.

-30-


Oh, You Didn't Know...?

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

That's nothing: you should see what happens to his hair when it gets humid out!

Oh, you didn't know.... that former WCW and WWE competitor Haku stood in at 6"1 - but was only 3"2 without his afro?

-30-


Squash Match!

Surgery After Freak Accident Fuses Henry, Bourne Together

The World's Strongest Jabroni.

(Silsby, TX) - They started out the night as a tag team, and ended it as a singles wrestler.

World Wrestling Entertainment superstars Mark Henry and Evan Bourne were in a match at a WWE live event against Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase when tragedy struck.

Henry, a former Olympian, picked up the diminutive Bourne to throw him at their opponents, but somehow the two landed together in a twisted heap on the mat. Ringside attendants were unable to pry the two apart and they were sent to a nearby medical facility.

The only way to save their lives would be to combine the two bodies in an experimental surgery that had never been tried before, according to their doctor.

At least.... he claimed he was a doctor. We here at World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News have to admit, the basement laboratory seemingly powered by stray lightning bolts was more than a little creepy.

The end result was Evan Henry, a 400-plus pounder that moves around the ring with the quickness of a cruiserweight.

"We here at WWE wish that this surgical procedure never had to happen in the first place," a company spokesperson huffed. "That said, it is one fewer paycheck we have to worry about."

Henry's potential WWE rivals are already starting to protest the  use of Bourne's "diving double kneedrop to the shoulders" finishing move.

-30-


Top 10 Least Likely Guest Hosts For RAW

Yeah, I'd say he's pretty unlikely to show up, too.

10. Statler and Waldorf  ("That last match wasn't half bad."  "It wasn't half good, either!"  "Oh ho ho ho!")

9. Pope Benedict XVI (``It has been a joy for me to witness the faith and devotion of the Catholic community here. Coming up next, John Cena will join Mr. McMahon's Kiss-My-Ass Club'')

8. Vince Russo ("Who booked this crap?")

7. E. Stanley Kroenke ("I've been asked by Mr. McMahon to say that I am scum.")

6. Superstar Billy Graham ("I'm selling this entrance ramp to the highest bidder.")

5. David Letterman ("So our next segment - do we have time for this, Paul? - our next segment will feature this, uh, Randy Orton, a fine young man... fine young man - don't you think so, Paul? - he's going to take a litter of puppies we found right here in Manhattan, and uh, well.... he's going to kick them in the head. A hee-hee-hee! Aw, man.... Paul? A little, uh, puppy-kicking music, please...")

4. The Iron Sheik ("Lemme tell ya somethin', yeh dumb fay-gutt! I beat Howdy Doody Bob Backlan in Mad-sen Square Garden. Then Kennedy Mac-Mahon make meh lose to bleach-blond jay-bronee American Hogayne.")

3. Bill Cosby ("Y'see.... kids today, they like the rasslin', with the flippin' and the floppin'...")

2. Battle Kat (Not that he wouldn't make a fine host, but... you know, who the hell remembers Battle Kat?)

1. President Barack Obama ("Can we make this match with Triple H a three-on-one handicap match? YES WE CAN!")

-30-


TwitterTaker!

Phenom's Tweets Reveal Little About Comeback Plans

#FollowFriday this guy, or.... Rest.... In.... Peace!

(www.deathvalley.com) - Although The Undertaker has been missing from World Wrestling Entertainment rings, largely since WrestleMania 25, you wouldn't know it by some of his recent tweets.

"Need to find time in my sked to take my urn that contains magical powers for polishing.  #chores," The Undertaker wrote on his Twitter page recently.

While experts predict The Phenom will return later this year for the Survivor Series, The Undertaker seems to demur, spending time on subjects such as So You Think You Can Dance, Manchester United and which type of shovel is best for digging up corpses.

"@aplusk sounds like a sick time!" The Undertaker tweeted in response to a remark by Ashton Kutcher about the television star's weekend plans. "gonna try 2 b there." 

The Undertaker, a six-time World Champion in WWE and a master of the Hell in the Cell match, follows celebrities on Twitter such as Kutcher, Perez Hilton, Sean P. Diddy Combs, Rainn Wilson and Richard Moll.

He also keeps a careful watch on the Twitter pages of his wrestling rivals, including Kamala The Ugandan Headhunter, who, in truth, mostly screams and doesn't say all that much in his Tweets.

-30-

 


 

Coming Next Week!

You'll never guess who it is....

He's been called everything from "The Rated R Superstar" to "Sexton Hardcastle" (heh) to "The Ultimate Opportunist." And yet, how much do we actually know about his life?

Did he REALLY break up Matt Hardy and Lita? Did he REALLY steal my patented catchphrase? Did he REALLY do the nasty with Vickie Guerrero? Did he REALLY spend 22 years in a federal prison (Nope)?

Next week, right here, on this very website.... you're about to get the True Wrestling Story of a major WWE superstar. BANK ON IT!!! (tm Canadian Bulldog, all rights reserved).

You think you know him? You will NEVER know him! Unless, of course, you read Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories next week.

-30-

 


 

 

WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

HE probably doesn't even remember Battle Kat...

World Wrestling Insanity reader and Club WWI.com subscriber Lou Halterman writes: "The other day, I screwed up real bad at the factory where I work, messing up the conveyor belt and everything. Then my boss comes over and yells 'YOU'RE FIRED!'. It reminded me of what Mr. McMahon always says on television."

-30-


Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.

 


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Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

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