WHAT?

(Jersey City, NJ) - Business picked up this evening at the Finkelstein barmitzvah, thanks to the involvement of one "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

The World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Famer showed up uninvited to the Beth Emanuel Synagogue, seemingly to congratulate young John Finkelstein on his passage into manhood.

Austin arrived to strange looks from 350 guests in attendance. This was partly because he had ignored the "casual formal" dress code, opting for a sleeveless black T-shirt, blue jeans, leg braces and a yarmulke. Also because he delivered a Stone Cold Stunner to Josh's Uncle Todd in the middle of the traditional Hora dance.

The Finkelsteins were forced to physically eject Austin from the building, which played out against a backdrop of Josh's grandfather reciting a prayer as he cut the challah bread.

"We had no choice but to call the shul's security," Josh's father Morris Finkelstein told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "As well... our Joshie really isn't a wrestling fan or anything."

Shockingly, Austin returned 90 minutes later during Josh's candle lighting ceremony. Driving his pickup truck into the main sanctuary, the Finkelsteins watched on dumbfounded as Austin defiantly flipped a middle finger at Rabbi Gottesman.

The barmitzvah ended up with Austin being tossed bottles of Manischevitz wine, bashing them together and downing the contents in a celebratory fashion.

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Oh, You Didn't Know?

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

An original Warriorhol. Get it? Oh ho ho. I kill me.

Oh, you didn't know.... that there weren't two guys playing The Ultimate Warrior, as urban legend has told has for so many years? There were actually five.

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TNA Acquires WWE Video Library

Carter: "This oughta scare the crap out of them"

(Orlando, FL) - Total Nonstop Action wrestling has purchased the massive videotape library once belonging to World Wrestling Entertainment.

"We're very excited about this acquisition," TNA President and former Designing Women star Dixie Carter told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "We were really just hoping to get some old Crockett Promotions stuff, but this  - well, this is much better."

TNA plans to make "full use" of the library by incorporating footage previously owned by WWE for upcoming DVD collections such as:

• "Mick Foley: Hardcore Legend (At Least Before He Got Here)"
• "Kurt Angle: This Time We Can Include Actual Footage"
• "Team 3-D: See? We Didn't Always Suck"
• "Mike Tenay and Don West Commentate Over Every WrestleMania Ever, And Giggle Like Idiots Whenever Booker T Is On Screen."
• "Matt Morgan: The Very Best of Rey Mysterio."

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Top Ten Signs Kayfabe Is Being Breached Too Much

Good thing Mickey didn't try for a hurracanrana.

1. At the end of house shows now, all the wrestlers come back to the ring and take a bow.
2. Jim Ross keeps yelling "BAH GAWD! What a realistic-looking forearm!"
3. TV Guide often prints the results of Raw matches before they happen.
4. That time Hornswoggle bodyslammed The Great Khali.
5. Jar of fake blood clearly visible on timekeeper's table.
6. Triple H's sledgehammer squeaks when it hits someone.
7. Next thing you know, even Donald Trump will get involved!
8. The bell rang even though Bret clearly didn't submit.
9. John Cena.
10. TNA adding Batman-esque "POW!", "ZOWIE!" and "KAPOW!" word bubbles to the screen whenever someone delivers a highspot.

Animal Unleashed!

Batista Injures Himself During Surgery

"As soon as I get better, I'm coming back to reclaim MY World Ti.... aww, f*ck it."

(Birmingham, AL) - In what's being described as a "medical first", former World Wrestling Entertainment champion Dave Batista injured himself while being treated for a different injury.

"I have no idea how this happened," explained noted sports physician Dr. James Andrews, who was just starting to wash up ahead of the surgery to repair Batista's torn left bicep, when the second injury occured. "I'd say it was possible he fell off the operating table or something.... but hell, he was strapped in!"

It isn't yet known how long the injury to "The Animal"'s right patella tendon will keep him out of action, Andrews said. He may also need reconstructive surgery on his kneecap, although they can't scope the damage until his first two injuries are addressed.

There is a silver lining, however. The patella tendon injury somehow realigned Batista's torn rotator cuff, which itself was classified as day-to-day by the doctor.

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WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Day