World Wrestling Insanity: World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: Eugene, Kane, Captain Lou, Lindy Mac and MORE!!!

World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: Eugene, Kane, Captain Lou, Lindy Mac and MORE!!!

By Canadian Bulldog
Oct 27, 2009 - 10:10 AM

WWE Hall of .... Fatalities???

New Study Turns Up Shocking Results

(Stamford, CT) - You can enter, but you can never leave alive.

The tragic passing of Captain Lou Albano earlier this month brought the count up to 26 deceased wrestling "Superstars" that have been inducted into World Wrestling Entertainment's so-called Hall of Fame.

But according to a recent study, it reads more like a Hall of Death. Consider the shocking evidence:

"Sensational" Sherri Martel received her plaque in WWE's Hall of Fame in 2006. She died about a year later.
"Classy" Freddie Blassie was awarded WWE's top honor in 1994; he didn't even live another full decade to enjoy it before dying in June 2003.
Albano, Arnold Skaaland, Ernie Ladd, Fabulous Moolah, Gorilla Monsoon and James Dudley thought they had received career milestones. Instead, they received death sentences.
Eddie Guerrero died in November 2005, mere months before he was to be inducted into the "prestigious" Hall.
Wladek "Killer" Kowalski lived up to his macabre nickname, passing on only 12 years after his induction.
Sadly, others such as Big John Studd, Bobo Brazil, Buddy Rogers, Curt Hennig, Eddie Graham, Gordon Solie, High Chief Peter Maivia, Junkyard Dog, The Grand Wizard, The Original Sheik, Kerry, David and Fritz Von Erich, and V ince McMahon Sr. had passed on long before they were even given the honor.

The study, conducted by the famed Center for Learning Uninteresting Bulletins, Washington Wrestling Institute (or, CLUB WWI), has made several other wrestlers become nervous. Reports have grapplers such as Baron Mikel Scicluna, Gerald Brisco, and 83 year-old Verne Gagne fearing for their lives these days.

-30-

Oh, You Didn't Know...?

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

Oh, you didn't know.... that King Haku is second in line to inherit the British throne?

-30-

Eugene To Probably Be Scooby Doo For Hallowe'en

Also Considering Iron Man; Pirate

(Louisville, KY) - Although he hasn't "for sure" made up his mind yet, former World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Eugene is leaning towards dressing as Scooby Doo this coming Hallowe'en.

"Scooby Doo is awesome!" Eugene told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "Yaaaaay!"

Shopping mall sources have spotted the former World Tag Team Champion trying on Iron Man, G.I. Joe, Strawberry Shortcake and Pirate costumes at his local Wal-Mart, although Eugene responded less favorably to those outfits.

"Iron Man is awesome!" Eugene was heard saying. "Yaaaaaaay!"

Eugene's uncle Eric Bischoff declined to comment for this article.

-30-

Top Ten Campaign Promises Linda McMahon Probably Can't Keep

Lindy Mac introduces possible running mate Sarah Palin (R-AK).

10. Hiring JBL to get rid of all the illegal immigrants.

9. To fall off the podium during state addresses, timed perfectly so that Michael Cole can shout "WILL LINDA MCMAHON SURVIVE? WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THE BREAK!"

8. Repeat offenders can opt to kiss her husband's bare ass in exchange for a reduced prison sentence.

7. All budget updates to broadcast in high-definition.

6. To move state capital to Parts Unknown.

5. Any enterprises with the words "Total", "Action" and "Nonstop" in them deemed illegal.

4. To split the state into Stamford, Hartford and Bridgeport "brands".

3. "The Connecticut Crunchers" will finally be granted own XFL franchise.

2. All bureaucrats caught doing a poor job will be sent to the government's farm system in Florida.

1. To present hilarious 20 minute vignettes in which D-Generation X, Hornswoggle and Big Dick Johnson attack Chris Dodd.

-30-

WWE-Themed Pumpkins Not Selling For Some Reason

Clockwise from top: Big Show, Santino, Finlay and DX O'Lanterns.

(Akron, OH) - It seemed like a natural to WWE product creator Mark Galey: Jack O' Lanterns adorned with the likeness of some of wrestling's biggest names.

"What kid wouldn't want to put a pumpkin with Vladmir Kozlov's face on their doorstep?" reasoned Galey, who was also responsible for WWE taking a $22 million bath last year after his line of Kane Kondoms failed. "I can't believe people aren't buying these!"

Indeed, hundreds of thousands of WWE Pumpkins carved to look like Hornswoggle, Mark Henry, Goldust and the late Eddie Guerrero remain unsold at the company's warehouse facility here in Akron.

To date, six pumpkins have been purchased - three by Santino Marella for a Hallowe'en-themed webcast, one as a mistake by someone who thought they were buying a John Cena lantern on WWE Shop.com, and two by children who thought Finlay was supposed to be Frankenstein.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with 20,000 rotting pumpkins that look kind of like Beth Phoenix and (Cryme Tyme member) JTG?" asked Galey, now tearing up. "These things have two, three more days tops on the shelves before they start attracting maggots and crap."

WWE was hoping the pumpkin sales would counterbalance last years "Deck The Halls With Hardcore Holly" holiday wreath debacle.

-30-

WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

World Wrestling Insanity reader Chez Futterbuhn writes: "The other day I was watching Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th. He kind of reminded me of WWE's Kane."

-30-

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog