Hogan scales - nay, conquers - the Ultimate X.

(Venice Beach, CA) - Wrestling icon Hulk Hogan has decided that when he laces up the boots for Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, he will first try his luck in the X Division.

Many were surprised that Hogan, who says he can't even stand up straight while shaving, would compete alongside high-flying competitors such as Chris Sabin, The Amazing Red and Suicide.

Some are wondering how Hogan, who probably couldn't keep up with his opponents during his prime 20 years ago, will be able to do so now.

"This isn't about weight limits, brother," Hogan told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "It's about no limits!"

Hogan plans to debut in the division in an "Elevation X" match, which consists of intersecting scaffolds hanging above the ring.

He's hoping his artificial hip holds up.

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Brand New Hulk Hogan Shirt!

Hulk Still Rules (Because It's Apparently 1987)

Just  in time for The Hulkster's 75th comeback, don this bad boy and pledge your allegiance to the flag of Hulkamania, brother! These shirts can be easily ripped to shreds like Hulk does in the ring. Not because they're supposed to, but because they're made from really crappy material.

"Really American, Man"

Hogan Replaces Old Knockoff Theme Song For New Knockoff

That's not an iPod; he's just adjusting his hearing aid.

(Memphis, TN) - Manager Jimmy "Mouth Of The South" Hart is thrilled with the newest knockoff theme song for his famous client, Hulk Hogan.

"This is even more of a knockoff than 'American Made' was, daddy," an enthused Hart shouted through his megaphone to World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "Ahahahahahahaha! Yeah, baby!"

Hart predicted the tune "will go to the top of the charts, daddy!", later clarifying that he meant 'the Jimmy Hart iTunes charts.'

"Ahahahahahahaha! Yeah, baby!"

Composed by Hart and performed by Rick Derringer knockoff Dick Rerringer, the song "Really American, Man" sounds almost like Hogan's iconic "Real American", provided you don't listen to it all that closely.

The chorus will include the lyrics: "I'm really American, man/fight for the rights of some guy named Stan/I'm really American, man/fight for your rights/I like flying kites."

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Well, This Is A Great F*cking Development For Me

Thanks, Hulk!

The following are the opinions of TNA "World" Champion A.J. Styles, and don't necessarily reflect those of Total Nonstop Action wrestling or World Wrestling Insanity. Actually, they probably do reflect WWI. But still....

For the past seven years, I've been a loyal member of the TNA roster. I'm sure if I'd wanted to, I could have made the jump to New York already, teaming with Jamie F*cking Noble or some shit on Superstars.

But no, I stuck around, and after Jeff Jarrett got shitcanned, they made me World Champion in September. Awesome! Finally the respect I deserve after spending almost a decade in this f*cking hellhole.

But now that Hulk Hogan's coming in, I'm sure it will mean some f*cking remarkable things for my career and spot in this company. Hey, it was only a matter of time before they jobbed me out to, like, Sheik Abdul Bashir, so that Hogan would have a foreigner heel to play off of, right? This just speeds things up a bit.

Sure, I would have liked three or four more pay-per-views at the top of the mountain, but I wouldn't want to do anything to take away potential merchandise money for Hogan. That's what's really f*cking important in the grand scheme of things, right?

I know this is just the tip of the f*cking iceberg. Within three months, I expect that I'll be able to re-form my "dream team" with Daniels, so that we'll be booked to lose to The Nasty Boys. Or maybe they'll just cut to the chase and put me in the program I've waited my whole f*cking life for against Brutus F*cking Beefcake.

Yes sir, the timing of this announcement couldn't possibly be better. Thank you, Hulk Hogan, for giving me this wonderful f*cking opportunity.

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nWo: Not Wrestling, Obviously

If Hulk's going to pretend it's the Monday Night Wars all over again, why don't you, too? The Hulkster's not Wrestling obviously.... fah life! Made from 300 percent recycled material.

Hogan, Bischoff To Change Name Of TNA To WCW

"Just Makes Good, Strategic Sense"