(Stamford, CT)  -- Responding to a recent rash of injuries, political scrutiny and wrestlers just feeling "icky" touching another grown man wearing underwear, World Wrestling Entertainment has banned all forms of physical contact between its performers.

Instead of kicking or punching a prone opponent, wrestlers will simply "pretend" going forward, allowing near-sighted fans to get the impression that contact has been made. And instead of delivering crushing bodyslams and piledrivers to one another, wrestlers will pantomime doing so.

"Quite frankly, the WWE Universe doesn't need to see actual contact between our superstars to enjoy our larger-than-life action/adventure series," WWE Chairman Vince McMahon told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News while clipping his toenails.

As a result, WWE has banned a host of wrestling manuevers that could put pressure on a competitor's spine, neck, back, head, chest, legs, arms or feet, such as the Attitude Adjuster, Clothesline, Figure-Four Leglock, Killswitch, Backbreaker, Starship Pain, Superplex, Codebreaker, Tombstone, Chokeslam and Twist Of Fate.

Practically everything R-Truth does will still be permitted.

In place of the new regulations, WWE superstars will be permitted to glare at each other menacingly, call each other bad names and, with the permission of a road agent, blow hot air in the opponent's general direction.

"Professional wrestling the way it was meant to be!" laughed McMahon.

When reached for comment by World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News, former World Wide Wrestling Federation Champion Bruno Sammartino quietly cried into a pillow.

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ShopTNA.com Item Of The Week

Surprise!

TNA's newest old guy is here, and part of his contract stipulates that we make him a T-shirt. Of course, if it was an authentic Tommy Dreamer shirt, it would probably just have the name of whatever PPV is happening this month plastered across it.  Available (VERY available) in Small, Medium and Extreme.

Dog Cena To Caninenation:

"I Won't Bark Down, And I Will Never Quit!"

"Yo... You Can't Spay Me!"

(Woof Newbury, Massachewtoy) -- You can hound him all you want, but Dog Cena won't roll over and play dead.

"Things may get ruff and I may get ticked," Cena told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "But I won't bark down and I will never quit!"

Cena promised his Caninenation that he belongs in the mane event and isn't afraid to let the fur fly against the likes of William Beagle, The Mizniature Schnauzer and Rat Terrier Orton (okay, that last one was a little bit of a stretch; bite me!).

Once unleashed, Cena has vowed to back that up with signature moves such as The Five-Kibble Shuffle, the Arf-U and the Alpo-tude Adjuster, proving he is truly best in breed.

"Make no bones about it -- I will drag my opponents by the scruff of their neck if I have to!" sniffed Cena, adding "The Chomp... Is.... HARRIER!" before deciding he wanted to go for a walk.

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Goldust Forgets Which Friggin' Brand He's On 

Remember the name.... um... line?

(Hollywood, CA) -- World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Goldust is ready to make an impact -- if only he could remember which friggin' brand he's a part of.

"This SO is not my fault," the veteran of Raw, SmackDown and ECW told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "They've shifted me around so many friggin' times, that I have no idea where I'm supposed to be this week."

The former Intercontinental Champion said he may hide out on Superstars until he can remember where he's supposed to show up next.

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World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News Poll

Will Linda McMahon Be Connecticut's Next Senator?

Survey of 200 stupid marks. Poll results have a 100 percent margin of error.

 Turn To Page 34!

TNA To Introduce Choose-Your- Own-Adventure Storylines

It was either this, or The Hardy Boyz Mysteriez.

(Orlando, FL) - After weeks of speculation about how Total Nonstop Action Wrestling plans to revolutionize its business this month, the company announced it will fans decide whatever the hell they're going to do next.

"Let's say we have a match featuring Abyss and Eric Young," explained TNA owner Dixie Carter. "We'll stop things mid-match and allow the fans to vote on what they want next, whether that's (a) to have Abyss turn babyface for no apparent reason (b) to have Velvet Sky befriend Young or (c) to have them both fall off a Peruvian mountain and plunge to their deaths."

Depending on how both of TNA's remaining fans vote, the storyline will then take interesting and unique twists, most of which end up with Hulk Hogan standing victorious for some reason.

Carter also hinted that future TNA pay-per-view events would largely mirror the Goosebumps series of books.

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WWI Completely Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

It's all YOUR fault!

World Wrestling Insanity reader John Jacob Jackson III writes: "Last night, my father grabbed himself by the necktie until he was choking, strangling himself to death. He didn't have an easy life, and I suppose he took the only way out he knew how. It reminded me of what Daniel Bryan did to Justin Roberts."

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