(Washington, DC) - Scientists now believe that life may exist outside of the WWE Universe.

"While we have yet to conclusively prove it, signs of life have been detected beyond the WWE Universe," concluded a report released today at the Center for Learning Uninteresting Bulletins, Washington Wrestling Institute (CLUB WWI).

As part of a six-year research project, the Center has tracked wrestler activity outside of the Universe's perimeter and concluded that the wrestlers could conceivably live in other galaxies, such as iMPACTUNE (also known as Planet Jarrett) and the Ringofhonoris Minoris constellation. Also Japan.

The technology doesn't currently exist to conclusively detect life forces outside of the WWE Universe, although scientists are developing a revolutionary process known as "tape trading" to further their research.

When asked point-blank if it was possible for life to exist outside the WWE Universe, Chairman Vince McMahon dismissed the theories as "ficticious bunk."

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Oh, You Didn't Know?

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

(A special thanks to reader Patrick McNair  for this week's news tip!)

Oh, you didn't know..... that former ECW Champion Matt Hardy once masqueraded as the Green Power Ranger?

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Colossal Connection DVD "Kind Of Pointless"

Career Retrospective Clocks In At Over Fourteen Minutes

(Stamford, CT) - A new DVD collection produced by World Wrestling Entertainment chronicling the collective careers of Andre The Giant and Haku is being called "kind of pointless" by many observers.

"Seriously?" wrote SmrtMrk22 on the Wrestling: Unleashed! message board, upon learning of the upcoming WWE release. "I can't believe someone actually said 'You know what's missing from my life right now? This.'"

The DVD, called The Life and Times of The Colossal Connection, spans from the team's surprise World Tag Team Title win at a television taping in December 1989 all the way up until their first and only title defense against Demolition in April 1990.

The collection includes both of The Connection's matches as a unit, as well as the backstory to the pairing ("We just kind of thought, why the f*ck not?" - WWE Agent Gerald Brisco).

WWE tried to interview the key players in the tag team dynasty, but encountered a few problems. Manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was ill and unable to speak at the time of production, while Andre has been deceased for some 16 years, and Haku apparently doesn't speak English all of a sudden.

Instead, the DVD focuses on comments from WWE Hall of Famer Mean Gene Okerlund, who interviewed the team prior to their title loss at WrestleMania VI.

Okerlund, unfortunately, couldn't quite remember the pairing.

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And The Winner Is.....

A few months ago, myself and aging World Wrestling Insanity Hall of Famer ZAH asked you stupid marks to bring a sign to a World Wrestling Entertainment or Total Nonstop Action (preferably WWE) live event proclaiming that fellow writer and overall  lameass Aaron Wood sucks.

Last night on Monday Night Raw, dreams came true. Not only did Captain Suck's favorite tag team split up, but I was alerted to the following sign in the crowd:

It's a little hard to read (though we're still hoping someone can get us a high-definition screen cap), but it DOES say "AARON WOOD SUX!"

According to ZAH, the brave soul responsible for this -- the highlight of my 24 years as a wrestling fan -- is named Drewcifer. Please contact me at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com (or hit me up on the WWI message boards.... or even contact ZAH) so that you can be recognized properly.

In the meantime, I would just like to say AARON WOOD SUX!

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TNA Blames Crappy Writing On Financial Crisis

Asks Government For Creative Bailout

( Orlando, FL) - Total Nonstop Action Wrestling President Dixie Carter says the company's creative funk it's been in for the past four years is a direct result of the deepening global recession.

"The economic crisis has hit us hard, as it has millions of other Americans," Carter told World Wrestling Insanity News. "If the government doesn't step in with an aid package, I can't even begin to imagine how shitty our programming could become."

TNA is asking President Obama for $7 billion in federal bailout money that will fund a creative team capable of producing more than one week's worth of coherent programming at a time.

"We're not expecting miracles here," Carter said. "We know that it will take time before our show can feature angles that don't end up in chaos week after week after stinking week. But you have to start somewhere."

Critics of the plan suggest TNA will have to spend twice that to make sense of the Main Event Mafia gimmick alone.

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WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

World Wrestling Insanity.com reader Bill Fliffudder writes: "Last week, some guy attacked my wife and had his way with her. It reminded me of when Randy Orton did the same thing to Stephanie McMahon. Except Stephanie didn't die afterwards...."

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Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers.