(Calgary... Alberta.... Canada) - If he could be serious for a minute, Lance Storm would like you to know he's f*cking sick and tired of answering your bullshit questions in the Q&A section of his website.

"Don't get me wrong - I'm happy to answer relevant questions from the people who have followed my career," Storm told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "But asking me how much Hulk Hogan is being paid by TNA? Or whether Sheamus works stiff?"

Storm, who retired in 2004 after a career that saw him win championships in ECW, WCW and WWE, said he maintains his website as a way to keep in touch with fans. He didn't start it, however, to answer questions about R-Truth's favorite food.

The former Intercontinental champion says he leafs through hundreds of questions each month before choosing the ones that make it on to his site. Ones that invariably end up on the cutting room floor include queries about Samoa Joe's sexual performance and when The Great Khali's birthday is.

"The worst one by far was someone asking me if I could share with them Bruiser Brody's autopsy results," Storm continued. "Not only was I a teenager when that happened, but I've never worked Puerto Rico!

"And, f*ck.... even if I had.... how would I have access to his autopsy? What's with all this bullshit?"

Should he continue to receive so many ill-prepared and poorly-researched bullshit questions, Storm has warned that he'll pawn off the emails to WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross.

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Matt Hardy "Can't Wait" To Get To Denver

... Or So He Claims

Twitter Vee-one-ah!

(Near Denver, CO) - Matt Hardy "can't wait" to return to Denver, according to the World Wrestling Entertainment superstar's Twitter page.

"Can't wait to be back in Denver!" Hardy tweeted last night.

It wasn't immediately clear whether why Hardy is returning to Denver, or where he'd been previously.

In addition, the former ECW Champion was surprisingly mum on why he wanted to return to the Colorado city. Nowhere in the seven-word entry did Hardy specify previous triumphs (or perhaps tragedies?) he'd experienced in the Mile-High City.

Observers, or "followers" of Hardy, suggest that a Tweet sent earlier today from his cellphone may provide clues, in which the Cameron, North Carolina native proclaimed "I'm really hungry! LOL"

"Maybe @MATTHARDYBRAND has a fav restaurant in #Denver?" suggested follower HardyGrrl427. "That wd explain why u r so hungry. LMAO!"

It could also because Denver is where WWE's Friday Night SmackDown program is being taped this evening.

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Keller's Analysis: Perhaps Matt Hardy wouldn't be in such a rush to get to Denver if WWE implemented a mandatory time-off period for its performers, regardless if they continually refer to them as "independent contractors". With Hardy zooming around the road like there's no tomorrow, he's obviously not getting enough time to go from city to city and eat a filling meal!

Porkbarrel and Plunder

New Jack Loses In Gubernatorial Bid

You should have seen the Members Bill on bladejobs he would have passed.

(Atlanta, GA) - Former bounty hunter and Extreme Championship Wrestling original New Jack failed today in his bid to become Governor.

"What the f*ck is with all these g******, *****, stupid ****** ***holes?" New Jack asked World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News, shortly before stabbing them repeatedly with an ice pick.

Breaking News is recovering well in a nearby hosp... er, "medical facility", and is hoping to have its condition downgraded to "serious".

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Who Are "They", Anyways?

Turns Out To Be Friggin' Valentine and G**damn Beefcake

Yeah... that's right. THEM.

(Orlando, FL) - Fans of TNA Impact, both of them, have been wondering the same thing for months: isn't there anything better on television Thursday nights?

Also, they're wondering who the "they" is that perpetual crybaby Abyss keeps referring to.

World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News has learned that "they" will be revealed to be former World Wrestling Entertainment tag team champions Friggin' Greg The Hammer Valentine and Brutus G**damn Beefcake. For some reason.

"The Dream Team is going to be there because they're friends of Hulk Hogan, I guess" said our anonymous source, who sounded and looked suspiciously like Jeremy Borash. "Not sure if that's supposed to be in real life or in the storyline, but hell.... just run with it."

Preliminary plans for the angle including having Friggin' Valentine breaking the leg of Jeff Hardy by refusing to release his figure-four leglock, which is a great storyline. Oh.... wait. Sorry, I forgot. It's not 1986 anymore.

In addition, G**damn Beefcake will be shaving Kurt Angle bald.

"They" are then expected to feud with The Killer Bees. Or if they are not available, Team 3-D.

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