(Stamford, CT) - As part of a cost-cutting exercise designed to keep the company profitable, World Wrestling Entertainment has released everyone from their respective contracts.

"World Wrestling Entertainment has agreed to part ways with the entire WWE Universe," read a terse message posted on wwe.com this morning. "We wish them the best in future endeavors."

The company's "housecleaning" will include the dismissals of Rey Mysterio, John Cena, The Undertaker, Montel Vontavious Porter, Matt Hardy, Chris Jericho, Edge, Maria, Shad Gaspar, Evan Bourne, Vickie Guerrero,  The Miz, relative newcomer Dolph Ziggler, WWE Hall of Famer Jim Ross and 12-time World Champion Triple H, among others.

"I can't believe they'd get rid of Evan Bourne, just as his character was starting to get over!" fumed wrestling fan The Infamous Suzanne on the WrestlingMania.org message boards. "What were they thinking?"

Some of the released superstars, such as The Boogeyman, Curt Hawkins, Shane McMahon, Maryse, Shawn Michaels, Sim Snuka and Tommy Dreamer, may make their way to Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, while others, such as Randy Orton, Tazz, The Big Show, CM Punk, "The All-American American" Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston, Howard Finkel, Kane and Festus, may choose to work independent dates in the United States and abroad. 

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Keller's Take: Typical short-sighted thinking by WWE. Just because Bourne doesn't have the typical "WWE look" -- which I've written about hundreds of times -- and isn't pumped full of performance-enhancing drugs, it doesn't mean he can't succeed in the year 2009.  

Oh, You Didn't Know?

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

Um.... good make-up job?

Oh, you didn't know.... that the person involved in weeks and weeks and weeks of useless vignettes with The Beautiful People wasn't actually Governor Sarah Palin? Nor was it popular lookalike Tina Fey. The person playing that character was none other than TNA's Eric Young!

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Samoan Bulldozer.... Or Samoan Jokester?

Umaga To Star In Haunted Mansion 2

Coming soon to DVD.....

(With files from The Big Rybowski)

(Hollywood, CA) - World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Umaga is coming back, but not in the way most fans would think. Or theoretically, would ever want.

The 300-plus pound Samoan has been away for the past several months, making his big screen debut in the Disney/WWE Films production The Haunted Mansion 2, coming to DVD and Blu-Ray disc everywhere this fall.

Umaga, best known for jamming his taped thumb into people's throats, will star opposite David Allen Grier (In Living Color, Little Big Man), playing the role previously occupied by Eddie Murphy.

The film promises to contain lots of slapstick comedy and visual  gags sure to cement Umaga's WWE reputation as "The Samoan Bulldozer."

"Umaga was just a pleasure to work with," gushed producer Marty B. deChevrier (The Passion Of The Christ II; Hollywood Squares: The Movie; The Marine) . "He has such a tremendous range, and... Wait; wasn't there already a Haunted Mansion 2?"

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Top Ten Surprises In "The Wrestler"

(Warning: contains no spoilers whatsoever)

Ex-WCW alumnae Shannon Moore and Heavy Metal Van Hammer.

10. How the whole thing was just a big-screen adaptation of the Apter Mag of the same name (I can't decide if my favorite part was the "Capsule Profile" or "One on One").

9. The final match gets only three and a half stars from Meltzer.

8. The lead villian? Danny Bonaduce.

7. Mickey Rourke's embarassing attempt at a somersault plancha.

6. Russo's ridiculous swerve at the end.

5. Randy "The Ram" Robinson strangling his wife and young son at the end seemed a little tacked-on.

4. Vince McMahon's uncredited cameo as an elderly bus driver.

3. Ernest "The Cat" Miller's nude scene.

2. Viewers can text message their choice of stipulation for the final match.

1. That it was actually a "WWE Films" production.

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Smoking Gunns's Smoking Gun!

Brother Threatens To Tear Family Apart

Barry Gunn (inset) says the public doesn't know the "real" Billy and Bart.

(Houston, TX) - By all outward appearances, Billy and Bart Gunn were just a pair of good ol' boys from Texas with porn star-quality moustaches who enjoyed firing blanks into the air.

To older brother Barry Gunn, however, the two were nothing but trouble.

"Oh, don't get me started on Billy and Bart!" huffed Barry, whose new book The True Story Of Billy & Bart Gunn hits stores this Thursday. "To wrestling fans, they may have been The Smokin' Gunns, but as their brother, they were really The Smokin' Brats!"

According to Barry, Billy and Bart would routinely gang up on their brother and tie him up using the family lasso. They would then force Barry into a uniform of a generic white cowboy hat, red bandana, blue jeans and ill-fitting chaps.

"My mother had to put up with that sh*t for years," Barry said, wiping tears from his eyes. "She didn't deserve that, dammit!"

Barry said that Billy and Bart also disappointed their parents by pursuing a wrestling career and not going into the family rodeo business.

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The Club WWI "Aaron Wood Sucks" Sign Contest!

Yup, We Went There

Sign of the times.

If you read ZAH's Shakin' My Head last week (and you really should), you'll know that we created a contest during our Club WWI.com ZAH-Bulldog Summit that has the potential to be the single greatest event in the history of ever!

EVER!!!

Basically, ZAH and I want to see a sign that says "Aaron Wood Sucks" pop up on television, DVD or pay-per-view. We want this sign to last for all time in the annals of wrestling history. Whether it's on RAW, SmackDown, ECW, TNA or (sigh) ROH, ZAH and I want visible (ideally HD) proof that "Aaron Wood Sucks" was in clear view for the world to see.

The grand prize is still being determined by an international panel of esteemed judges (possibly Mike Rickard), but at the very least, you will receive:

• One DVD
• At least two weeks of shout-outs on the highly-rated Complete and Utter Bulldog audio show, as well as ZAH's crap-ass little podcast.
• At least three weeks of pimpage and kudos in both our columns.
• The knowledge that you made a slight difference in the world.

Let's see if you stupid marks are up to the task!

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WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

YOU'RE NEXT!

World Wrestling Insanity reader Louie Davis writes: "Last week, I was at the mall and had my watch cleaned by some Jewish guy, Chaim Gold-farb...berger-man... or something... Anyways, he reminded me of former WCW World Champion Bill Goldberg. Even though they don't look anything alike."

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Do you have a news tip for Breaking News? Send it to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com and it may appear in a future edition!!!

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers.