(St. Louis, MO) - In addition to suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Randy Orton says he also hears voices in his head.

"I hear voices in my head," the third-generation grappler told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "They counsel me; They understand.

"They talk to me."

At first, WWE officials didn't take Orton's claims seriously. This was largely because, as a practical joke, wrestlers would take turns backstage talking into a cardboard tube behind Orton's back, claiming to be the 2009 Royal Rumble winner's "split personalities."

"Oh, man, that was hilarious!" said Rey Mysterio, who often voiced the alternate Orton identity Pepe. "But then we realized he had a legitimate medical problem, and we kind of backed off. Except for Triple H -- he still thinks its pretty funny."

Orton's physicians are trying to refer him to electroshock specialist Dr. Sigmund Ziff, who was last seen working with George "The Animal" Steele. 

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Keller's Analysis: I've advocated for years that WWE should expand its Wellness Testing for people who hear voices in their head. Instead, they're going to have to wait until Randy Orton unwillingly punt-kicks someone because of what his voices are telling him to do.

Oh, You Didn't Know???

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

Here comes the motherf*cking money!

Oh, you didn't know.... the following facts about Shane McMahon?

• Shane McMahon doesn't bowl strikes; he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• Shane McMahon can sneeze with his eyes open.
• When Shane McMahon falls in water, Shane McMahon doesn't get wet. Water gets Shane McMahon.
• Shane McMahon can judge a book by its cover.
• Shane McMahon can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Shane McMahon does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
• Shane McMahon grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  

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TNA Makes Offer To Bring Madoff In

Alleged Ponzi Scheme Leader Would Feud With Sting

Madoff (pictured above) hasn't revealed whether he's talking to TNA at present.

(New York, NY) - In the grand tradition of making job offers to Adam "Pacman" Jones, Sarah Palin and Osama Bin Laden, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling officials want to hire Bernard Madoff, the man accused of pulling off the biggest investor fraud in history.

"Our viewers would love to see Madoff in a TNA ring," TNA President Dixie Carter told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "And if that doesn't get us some mainstream publicity, I'm seriously out of ideas."

Madoff's role in TNA is not yet clear, although an unidentified source who asked not to be named Abyss (sorry.... that, should have read "asked not to be named" period.) suggested that the embattled businessman may be brought in to feud with Sting.

According to the rumor, Madoff would make a down-on-his-luck Stinger his "employee" and force the TNA Champion to do his bidding.

"It sounds like a great storyline," Carter said. "I can't believe no one's ever thought of that before."

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Aaron Wood Still Scared Of Bulldog, Bulldog Says

(A special thanks to RDLee for the photograph.)

Count Suckula in all his stupid glory.

(Edinburgh, Scotland) - Aaron Stupid Wood, a fellow writer at World Wrestling Insanity, is still scared of Canadian Bulldog, as evidenced by his recent appearance on the Club WWI 310 Countdown and other incidents.

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WWE Forces Wrestler To Use Old Name, Gimmick On Indy Scene

W - O - R - M, as enforced by the L - A - W!

(Westbrook, ME) - Scott Garland has been trying to simply move on with his life since leaving World Wrestling Entertainment almost two years ago. But his former employer won't let him.

WWE has served Garland with a court injunction forcing him to compete at all independent wrestling appearances as Scotty 2 Hotty, the name that made him famous over the past decade.

According to the court order, Garland must refer to himself as Scotty 2 Hotty at all times, even when reading stories to his two children or applying for a loan at the bank. His ring entrance music has to be the "Too Cool" theme from WWF The Music Volume 5. And he's also forbidden by law from leaving his house without wearing that stupid hat with the top cut out of it.

"Look, I really enjoyed my time as Scotty 2 Hotty," Garland told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "I just don't want to get typecast in that role for the rest of my career."

His face then began convulsing as he spread out his arms and performed The Worm.

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WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

Penn fears Rourke.

World Wrestling Insanity.com reader and Club WWI.com subscriber Keevel writes: "I went to see the movie The Wrestler the other day, and it reminded me of wrestling."

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Do you have a news tip for Breaking News? Send it to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com and it may appear in a future edition!!!  

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers.