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World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News: TNA Ownership SHOCKER!!!
By Canadian Bulldog
(Orlando, FL) - Patrick Bernard, a Boise, Idaho-area accountant, has somehow ended up as the largest shareholder in Total Nonstop Action wrestling, a new organizational chart reveals. Bernard usurped the top position from shareholders including Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Dixie Carter -- although he's not even sure how he arrived at the majority ownership. Bernard, who was unaware that he ever purchased TNA stock, was perplexed as to how he become its single biggest owner. "As far as I can figure, it must have been done through my investment club," Bernard told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News. "I've always wanted to own my own sports-entertainment company, I just never thought I could get one so inexpensively, and by accident." Research suggests that TNA has issued stock certificates to anyone that was in a position of power, or even pretended to be on the air. Investors in the perennial number two wrestling company include Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Jim Cornette, Erik Watts and That Annoying Referee Who Always Wore The Bicycle Shorts. An astounding 28 percent of the outstanding stock was doled out between former Directors of Authority Dusty Rhodes and Larry Zybsko in 2006. "The American Dream" gained Zybsko's stake during a poker game, which he then pawned in exchange for a slice of chocolate cream pie at a Denny's restaurant in Fort Lauderdale. The share certificates were then left in a Denny's dumpster, picked up by a vagrant, mailed to Vince McMahon, recycled, owned briefly by Don West, advertised on ShopTNA.com and purchased by Bernard's investment club. Bernard, who specializes in developing tax structures for small business clients, said he isn't sure what exactly he's going to do as the main investor in a professional wrestling organization. "One thing's for sure," Bernard said. "I'm f*cking getting rid of Russo."
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Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and has published his own book of nutty prank e-mails to wrestlers. He can be reached at canadian.bulldog@gmail.com or followed at http://twitter.com/canadianbulldog.
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