(St. Petersburg, FL) - In just three weeks time, World Wrestling Entertainment will put on its annual WrestleMania spectacular. But despite an all-star lineup, months of hype and expensive promotional campaigns, no one at the Ocean View Yacht Club will be tuning in.

"Professional wrestling?" huffed club member Terrance "Tad" Leffington IV. "You have to be kidding. I didn't even realize that filth was still around!"

Leffington, whose family controls the Bermuda-based Imperial Consortium Corp., won't be among those cheering John Cena in pursuit of regaining the WWE Title in a Triple Threat match against Edge and The Big Show. Nor will he be taking a side in the epic Jeff Hardy-Matt Hardy feud.

"We don't have any interest watching 'grown men rolling around in their underwear'," gasped Margaret T. Etherington, who actually made air quotes with her fingers as she said that.

Etherington then suggested that the only one at Ocean View who may be interested in watching such a spectacle would be Carlos the busboy.

"Perhaps if we get back from the regatta early enough," club member Dr. Lucien Valderson suggested. "We may order Backlash next month."

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Keller's Take: WWE should be extremely concerned about this alarming trend. Once you lose the yacht club crowd, the casual fan isn't usually far behind.

Oh, You Didn't Know???

Fun Facts About Professional Wrestling

Cross the (fashion) line.

Kanyon Goes Back In Closet

Outing Self Didn't Generate Enough Publicity

Who outer than Kanyon?

(Queens, NY) - Some three years after outing himself, tormer WWE and WCW competitor Chris Kanyon has gone back in the closet.

"I am going to be the first person in the history of five major sports of  pro baseball, football, basketball, wrestling or hockey to go back into the closet," Kanyon wrote on his MySpace page today. 

No one is quite sure why "The Innovator of Offense" would attempt to hide his sexual preference after announcing it to the world, other than to possibly generate more headlines on obscure wrestling message boards.

"I have said that I am no longer discussing my sexuality," said Kanyon. "B ut you don't know if that's as Christopher Klucsarits the person, or Chris Kanyon the professional wrestler," said Kanyon.

"That part, you people are going to have to figure out for yourselves."

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Breaking Newsbites!!!

• Tune into Club WWI's Complete and Utter Bulldog later this week for the results of the first-ever CAUB Idol. You will NOT be disappointed (unless, of course, you download the show; in which case, all bets are off).
• Starting next week, you stupid marks will be treated to a special two-part True Wrestling Story of WrestleMania!!! Everything you've ever wanted to know about the "granddaddy of 'em all" but were too stupid to ask, will be explained. The excitement gets underway starting on March 24th, or whenever I can get my lazy ass to write it up.
• Happy St. Patrick's Day! If you see Hornswoggle on the street today, make sure to give him a big hug -- or at least  belt him in the head with a shillelagh.
• Just a reminder that Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! is still on sale here. Order now before the holiday rush!
• Aaron Wood Sucks.

The Rock Unlikely To Make ROH Appearance

Parties "Extremely" Far Apart On Terms; Sources

"Um.... thanks but no thanks."

(Woodbridge, NJ) - It's unlikely that multi-time World Wrestling Entertainment heavyweight champion and action film star The Rock will appear in front of 75 to 100 fans in a crowded recreation center under the Ring Of Honor banner next month.

"We'd love to have him come in," ROH owner Cary Silkin told World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News.

According to top sources, The Rock (real name: Dwayne Johnson, or "DJ") apparently refused ROH's generous offer of $300 for the appearance, plus shared accomodations with El Generico at a nearby Holiday Inn.

Representatives for the star of the film Race to Witch Mountain say The Rock was likely only considering the project because he thought "Ring Of Honor" was the title of an upcoming movie being directed by Michael Bay.

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WWI Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week

Now dass cool.