(Note from the present day: This article was originally published November 28, 2006 on another website; I thought it was relevant now that WWE is talking television network again. I've cleaned up the piece to make it more timely, but it's amazing to me how little has changed at TNA over the past six years.)
According to some of my top sources
(National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) is getting ready to launch its very own video-on-demand service!!!
Imagine having 24-hour access to roughly four years of T&A footage, even though most of it sucks ass! Here are some of the programs and unique specials that will run on the channel known as:
Take it away, mystery host:
TNA. A company that has transcended the world of sports entertainment with its revolutionary style.
That Guy Who Sounds Kind Of Like James Earl Jones. You may remember me from such as TNA iMPACT! voiceovers as "Samoa Joe: Revolutionary Samoan Warrior" and "A.J. Styles: Revolutionary Phenom".
Today, we are taking a look at all of the unique programs and specials that will be offered on
TNA 24/7, a revolutionary new video-on-demand service. I get paid every time I say the word "revolutionary."
Jeff Jarrett's planet… we're just living in it.
a revolutionary star and future Hall of Famer (provided we ever start our own HOF)
walks you through a string of five-star bouts against the cream of the crop in TNA, winning each match along the way.
Not enough Jarrett for you? No problem. The Revolutionary One… I mean, Chosen One, I mean, King of the Mountain, is captured in some of his most thought-provoking and revolutionary interviews and backstage skits. In addition, you're guaranteed to get at least one new hour per month of Jarrett yelling at the idiot fans in Orlando.
Watch Olympic Gold Medalist
prepare some of his favorite revolutionary dishes (he wasn't allowed to cook anything when he was in WWE, because
was too busy forcing him to become a drug addict). But now that he's been unshackled from McMahon and that bastard
Triple H, Angle can use his unparalleled talents to make the greatest five-star dishes of all time. "It's tasty; it's DAMN tasty!"
Malice, Mad Mikey
Road Warrior Hawk
-- relive all the greatest moments from revolutionary TNA stars that went on to a better place (and we don't mean WWE!).
The Dupp Cup
to feuding go-go girls, from wrestling penises to Canadian terrorists, and from masturbating midgets to
VKM, host Scott D'Amore
talks about revolutionary concepts and angles that "really should have worked" but in practice, not so much.
This month, we look back at
Don Harris, Nazi Security Guard.
Classic, some might say "revolutionary", novels are retold with SHOCKING SWERVEZ placed throughout. This month, the
novel "Dr. Zhivago" is presented, starring
So Cal Val, Homicide
The Phenomenal A.J. Styles.
, the official "voice of TNA so long as you don't count Mike Tenay", hawks revolutionary TNA merchandise and authentic TNA gear, such as a battery
used to have in his iPod, and the very same T-shirt that
threw up on just last week. All at prices so low, THEY'RE OUTRAGEOUS!!!
Hulk Hogan. Scott Hall. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Jeff Hardy. Dusty Rhodes. Dustin Rhodes. Sabu. The Sandman. Paul London. Brian Kendrick. The Brown Brothers -- D'Lo and Monty.
None of them work for us anymore, but you can relive their greatest revolutionary moments again and again on TNA 24/7.
Revolutionary X Division superstar
provides the laughs while stationed over in faraway Madagascar with
and Alex Shelley. It's a parody inside a parody!
Self-explanatory. AND REVOLUTIONARY!!!
A revolutionary new reality television show engineered by the originator of reality TV --
(honest; just ask him). Brother Ray
of Team 3-D shares a house with
The Monster Abyss,
The War Machine Rhino,
Samoa Joe, Ms. Brooks
Guess what ensues? If you guessed hilarity… YOU'RE RIGHT!!!
In addition, TNA 24/7 will have exclusive specials only available to subscribers.
This month, for example, TNA's top backstage announcer produces a documentary attempting to break the language barrier between himself and the moronic Orlando fans in…
In addition, what happens when straight-laced police officer
Stingteams up with rule-breaking cop
Christian Cage? That's right – REVOLUTIONARYISM, in this hot new made-for-television series:
Looking for even MORE total nonstop action? Well, unfortunately, we don't really have any, unless you want to see dreck like
The Best of 3 Live Kru. However, TNA has secured tape libraries of several other wrestling promotions, ones that WWE overlooked (or didn't want). For example, we will be featuring:
XWF (X Wrestling Federation). With a roster that included Hulk Hogan,
Rena Mero, you can see why they called it "No Primadonnas Allowed." At least, they weren't allowed in during the two weeks this crap was in business.
WWA (World Wrestling All-Stars). Andrew McManus promised to bring the very best wrestlers to pay-per-view, and if
Joe E. Legend
Larry Zybsko encompass your vision of "best", then he didn't disappoint.
AWF (American Wrestling Federation). Take aging superstars such as
Greg Valentine, Tito Santana
One Man Gang, put them in a "rounds system" of wrestling, and have them fight jobbers every week. The winners? THE FANS!!!
Add all of this footage up, and we think you will agree. TNA 24/7 is… revolutionary.