Canadian Bulldog Presents... Learn Monsoon In One Easy Lesson!!!

How often has this happened to you?

You're at ringside doing color commentary with a huge play-by-play announcer wearing blue tinted sunglasses and spouting off tired cliches and catchphrases by the boatload. You'd love to engage him in conversation, but can't quite comprehend what it is he's talking about.

Unless the year is 1986 and your name is Lord Alfred Hayes, chances are pretty good that hasn't, indeed, happened to you. But still, one can never be too careful....

As a public service to all of you stupid marks, I have prepared a handy Gorilla Monsoon-to-English translation guide that can be printed off and taken with you the next time you're at the announcer's desk, backstage right behind the entrance ramp, or just spending the day on a wild west film set with Bobby The Brain Heenan.

You're welcome.

Monsoon Phrase

Closest English Translation

"Madison Square Garden has literally just exploded!"

The crowd at MSG has figuratively just exploded in applause (because Junkyard Dog bit Jimmy Hart in the butt or somesuch).

"External occipital protuberance."

Medical term for a wrestler's groin.

"Highly unlikely...."

Quite possible.

"The two of you's couldn't get lost together!"

The individuals in question aren't particularly bright (e.g. Nikolai Volkoff, Kamala, Aaron Wood).

"A meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society."

Will you be serious?!?

A gathering of CM Punk and his cronies.

"Conspicious by his absence..."

The Doctor Of Style Slick isn't here tonight, because he only gets paid to show up at television tapings.

"Where do you go to get weighed when you're that big? The meat scales?"

Said wrestler is a fat tub of shit.

"25,000 strong, literally hanging from the rafters!"

Between 12 and 15 thousand fans are cheering, sitting in their seats. No one is actually hanging from the rafters; not even Sting.

"Would you buy a used car from him?"

Lucious Johnny Valiant doesn't have a potential customer lined up when he quits the WWF to work at the local Buick dealership.

Eighth wonder of the world? Highly unlikely.

"Here comes Virgil! He could win the Royal Rumble!"

Virgil will never, ever win the Royal Rumble.

"Looking for the Shell Answer Man...."

Said wrestler is "on the gas" e.g. steroids.

"The lower lumbar region."

Medical term for a wrestler's groin.

"You can cut the electricity here with a knife."

The TV taping crowd is happy we've booked Strike Force vs. The Islanders, instead of YET ANOTHER squash match.

"That fountain of misinformation..."

Musicians personified.

A lying heel. Not lying as in "he's really some dude from Pittsburgh pretending to be a Russian"; rather lying as in "My country eez superior to no-good lazy Americans!!"

"Holy mackerel!"

"BAH GAWD! Business is about to pick up..."

"Stick a fork in him; he's done."

A jobber has just been felled by Bad News Brown's ghetto blaster. Also instructions on what to do after cooking a turkey.

"WILL YOU STOP?"

Bobby Heenan pretends not to have seen the heel cheating on the television monitor because he was busy "signing an autograph" for someone.