Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: Hulk Hogan
By Canadian Bulldog Mar 27, 2007 - 2:07 PM
Canadian Bulldog has been lampooning the careers of many of the industry's biggest names with his "True Wrestling Stories." Of course, no list would be complete without arguably the biggest name in the history of professional wrestling - Hulk Hogan. These stories are an homage to different performers and many past subjects have actually written us emails commending Bulldog for his "investigative reporting." For a full list of all of Bulldog's past True Wrestling Stories, Click Here
Can you smell it in the air? No, not THAT smell… I'm talking about WrestleMania! Which doesn't, technically, have its own scent, but if it did, you'd think it would smell a little like Rick Martel's Arrogance. Because he sprayed it there in matches against Tatanka and Koko B. Ware.
In order to keep with the theme of WrestleMania and/or its distinctive aroma, what would be better than talking about the man who (according to him) single-handedly launched WrestleMania?
Now… I know what you're all thinking. This person published his own autobiography already, and some Internet jackass wrote a full story on him just two years ago. How can I possibly improve on that?
I'll tell you how: by going straight to the source himself and letting HIM tell his own True Wrestling Story! This will be a TWS first, folks!!!
(Oh, and giving credit where credit is due -- this entire column was inspired by the fantastic "Hulkapedia" created on the World Wrestling Insanity message boards by our man Jim. I would encourage you to check this amazing resource out -- after you read my story, of course, so that mine may look funnier by comparison.)
So whatcha gonna do, brother, when The True Wrestling Story of Hulk Hogan runs wild on youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?
Even as a little-bitty Baby Hulkster, I already had the look, brother.
Not many people know this, but there was a time when Hulk Hogan wasn't Hulk Hogan.
I was born Terry Gene Bollhea in 1953 1973, and even though my last name sounds like some sort of stomach remedy ("Ask your doctor if Bollhea is right for you."), the entire world took notice the second I was born, brother.
No one in the world had ever seen anything like me. My pythons were already bigger than all the other infants in the nursery, brother. I never needed to drink from a bottle or any of that other baby crap. I was even potty-trained right out of the womb, brother.
From the day I was born, I told my parents that I was destined to rule the wrestling world. Right away, there was a whole lot of jealousy, brother. One of the little dudes in intensive care kept whining about how I was getting all the attention, and then he died inside of a week because he couldn't handle the competition, brother. Also the collapsed lung.
I was a member of the original KISS until that dude Paul Stanley got jealous and took my spot, brother.
I wanted to give the wrestling business a bit of a chance to prepare for Hulkamania, so I started out as a musician instead.
Instantly, I was the world's most popular rock star. Everywhere I went, the women couldn't keep their hands off me. Bands like Aerosmith and The Rolling Stones were fighting over which one of them could sign Hulk Hogan to a lifetime contract. But I told them "You dudes need to pay up if you want me rocking in your little bands, brother." Turns out, none of them could afford it, so after I recorded 15 albums and won 27 Grammys, I moved on.
One night after I played some smoke-filled bar the Rose Bowl, two regional wrestling stars named Jack and Gerry Brisco approached me and practically literally begged me to give wrestling a try. They even offered me a guaranteed five-year run with the NWA World Championship if I signed on the dotted line, brother, but the money just wasn't right.
Still, I did give wrestling a try, which is to say I saved it. I started off competing in tiny little armories and high school gyms, not because I needed the experience, but because I wanted to give all my less-fortunate (poor) Hulkamaniacs a chance to see greatness in action, brother, before Hulk Hogan became a household name and the ticket prices were all jacked up. I'd still do the same thing today, but the security isn't good enough at these tiny little independent shows, brother.
I wrestled everywhere in the early days, brother: Florida, Tennessee, Japan, Mexico, Canada, Heaven… I even ruled the AWA for a few years, where I gave the rub to guys like Andre The Giant, Ric Flair, Bobby The Weasel Heenan and Verne Gagne. But I refused to accept their World title because Gagne wouldn't cut me in on a piece of the action, brother.
From there, it was on to another territory that I helped build: Hollywood.
Little Sly Stallone was so insecure that he needed to wear lifts in his boots just to be in the same shot as me, brother.
I remember when Sly Stallone asked me to help with casting for his blockbuster film "Rocky III", the sequel to Rocky's I and II (which I wrote). I told him that if he wanted his movie to get mainstream approval, he needed Hulk Hogan in a starring role. When Sly begged me to take the part of the main character Thunderlips, I told him no problem… so long as the money was right.
Sly also asked me who the main heel should be, so I found some dude from the streets, shaved his head into a mohawk and told him "Your name from now on is Mr. T, brother."
Brother, the three of us became the bigger superstars in Hollywood. It was like the original Rat Pack, only we were younger and I was much, much more powerful. Of course, there was a lot of jealousy towards me from these snobby L.A. types, so I told Sly and Mr. T to take top billing in the film. In their own way, they kind of deserved it, brother.
When "Rocky III" hit the screen in 1983 just recently, it took in $473 billion in the first day alone at the box office. That was a record within the motion picture industry, all the way up until "Suburban Commando".
Once Vince McMahon Senior saw what Hulk Hogan was capable of doing in that film, he flew right to my apartment mansion and offered me a $20 billion guarantee to wrestle for his stinky little World Wide Wrestling Federation. I told him that he needed to make me a serious offer before we could talk, and his disappointment from that eventually killed him.
Hulk Hogan and some of the biggest stars of the 80's, brother -- Mr. T, ALF, Q*Bert, Snuka, and Michael Jackson. Not pictured: Ronald Reagan.
The minute that Vince Sr.'s kid took over the family business, he knew the only way it would be a worldwide success is if he had Hulk Hogan leading the way, brother.
I'll give Vince McMahon credit, brother; the dude knows a good thing when he sees it. Who can blame him? I was a perfectly proportioned 6"10, 270 pounds with 29" pythons and a killer head of hair. He knew that getting the belt off that scrawny Bob Backlund dude and on to Hulk Hogan would give us instant credibility with the true wrestling fans.
But it wasn't an overnight success, brother. I had to call in a few favors at NBC to get us on prime-time television and they started airing "Saturday Night's Main Event", an offshoot of "Saturday Night Live" (which I created). Then I told Mr. McMahon Vince that he needed to launch WrestleMania to truly put the WWF on the map, brother.
The first WrestleMania was a thing of beauty, brother, not like the one they're doing this week, where they had to beg my fellow billionaire Donald Trump to get involved and turn it into some celebrity sideshow. I'm telling you, brother, all it took was Hulk Hogan (along with Mr. T, Snuka, that jealous so-and-so Orndorff, Randy Orton's Old Man (George?), Liberace, Muhammad Ali, Billy Martin, The Rockettes and that ungrateful piece of crap Roddy Piper) and all the Hulkamaniacs ate it up, brother.
Slamming Andre with ease, brother (Photo credit: Industrial Light & Magic).
By WrestleMania III, my name alone brought a record 93 million Hulkamaniacs into Detroit to watch me pick up the 700 pound, 8 foot 8 Andre The Giant and bodyslam him straight to heaven, brother.
I ruled the roost in the WWF for about a dozen years, way longer than that cranky old dude Bruno Sammartino, who stayed on way longer than he should have, brother. Every year, Vince would come up with some monster heel that would try to topple Hulkamania, and every year, I kept them at bay, brother.
Finally, Hollywood came calling again, and I told Vince he needed to create some new stars for me to pass the torch to, brother. Without fail, every single guy they promoted -- Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man, little Bret Hart, Goldberg -- none of them could hold a candle to me, brother.
So once I finished filming "No Holds Barred" (which won six Academy Awards, including "Best Motion Picture Using The Phrase 'Dookie'), I came back to the WWF and defeated Sgt. Slaughter in the main event of WrestleMania VII.
That was a great storyline, brother, because it mirrored exactly what was going in Iraq at the time, and how I kicked the ass of that nasty Saddam Hussein, brother.
Before dropping the title one last time, brother, I made sure to put over a whole bunch of little Hulkamaniacs on the way out, like Ric Flair, Yokozuna, The Undertaker and Kevin Nash.
And then, Hulk Hogan was finished with professional wrestling… OR WAS I???....
It's like looking in a mirror, brother.
… I wasn't, brother (and I don't know why this Bulldog dude thinks pulling that same gag every single time is even remotely funny)!
Something about a steroid trial happened around this time, but damned if I can remember it. That nasty Iron Sheik kept slipping them into my regular All-American vitamins, and brother, that's the truth.
I was busy filming the top-rated action/adventure show "Thunder In Paradise", when David Hasselhoff started getting jealous of my show's success. He told me there was only room for one show in Hollywood about overly-tanned muscle men running around on the beach, brother. But just before Hasselhoff was about to pull the plug on "Baywatch", I was contacted by Ted Turner (although his car isn't nearly as big as mine, brother), and Ted begged me to join his rinky-dink little WCW.
I was torn, because Vince McMahon depended on Hulk Hogan for so much of his success, but there was tons of money to be made with a Hulk Hogan - Ted Turner tag team, brother.
So I walked into CNN Center, dropped the leg on Ted Turner's desk and told him "This is how it's going to work, jack. I want $11 million for every time the WCW mentions, shows or otherwise features Hulk Hogan on its programming. But if you want me to actually wrestle, it's gonna cost you, brother."
Ted immediately agreed to the deal and even upped the ante by a couple million, brother, and then he told some dude named Eric Bischoff to make sure I got whatever I wanted. All I wanted was an opportunity to show the WCW fans what I was capable of brother. That and $7 billion per match.
The WCW fans, who were used to crap like Arn Anderson and that Hulk Hogan wannabe Lex Luger, were thrilled by the development, and we got 300,000,000 rabid Hulkamaniacs cheering me on for my debut match, brother. Ted's investment paid off immediately.
Still, something wasn't right. We could only have me go over Ric Flair, Vader and The Three Faces Of Fear for so long, before all my Hulkamaniacs realized I was too dominant for this WWF wannabe promotion, brother. Immediate action had to be taken.
Everyone wanted to be in the nWo, brother.
In 1996, I put a call into Vince McMahon and told him to let Scott Hall and Kevin Nash out of their contracts, so that we could create an angle that destroyed his company. Vince wouldn't have done that for anyone but me, brother.
Hall and Nash debuted in WCW and right away, the fans were begging me to join them, even if it meant turning heel. I've always listened to my fans, brother, and if them hating me made me more popular, I was all for it, dude.
I shocked the world when I joined Hall and Nash (even though I said something contradictory in the previous paragraph), and it became a runaway success. Fans starting throwing trash at the ring (aiming at Hall and Nash, and maybe Mean Gene) to show how happy they were.
EVER!!! (Bulldog's Note: Sorry, I had to add that in.)
As the new World order, we dominated like no stable before, during or after us (I've already checked into the future, brother, and it just isn't going to happen). To give some younger guys like Macho Man and Virgil a rub, I made sure that Bischoff put them in the nWo. The concept was making so many billions for the company that I told Bischoff to split it off into two groups - nWo Hulk Hogan and nWo Not Hulk Hogan.
Did I mention I also orchestrated the merger of AOL and Time Warner, brother?
Cutting a promo while Skinny Jeff Jarrett lies on his back, brother.
But just as the nWo deal was starting to get a teensy little bit stale, along came some dumbass magazine writer named Vince Russo to ruin everything, brother. He started telling these little no-name guys like Billy Kidman and Sting that I wouldn't work with them.
That's a load of B.S. Finally, I agreed to put Jeff Jarrett over in a convincing fashion, but Russo had to go and wreck it all by saying I was a "goddamn politician" and a "bald son of a bitch".
I couldn't take that one lying down, brother; I am NOT bald! So I lied down and let Jarrett pin me, brother. And it was the last WCW heard from me (except for my lawsuit where I won $27 trillion).
Here's another Rocky who didn't quite match up to the awesome power of Hulkamania, brother.
I returned back to WWE for one final run, first as a member of the nWo, then with the classic red-and-yellow and orangish-tie-dye, then for a little while under a hood, and finally as myself.
The reactions were unreal, brother. Every arena I went to was like Hulkamania erupting all over again. WrestleMania X-8 sold out in mere seconds when people heard that Hulk Hogan was going to be on the card.
They had me against this dude named The Rock, whose gimmick was that he was a Hulk Hogan-wannabe celebrity. Before he left to film his little movie (and how many times do they show The Scorpion King on Nick at Nite, brother?), I decided I wanted to give him the one moment he would always treasure - the first time in history Hulk Hogan was pinned to the mat for a three count, brother.
Vince wanted me to come in and make guys like Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, Triple H and Shawn Michaels look good, and I was only too happy to oblige. Especially because WWE was now a public company and he was offering me stock options out the wazoo, brother.
But the only problem was, Hulkamania had gotten way too big for the WWE by this point, brother. Both Vince and I knew that there was only one way I could satisfy my fans' unquenchable thirst for me, brother.
The Hogans in all their glory.
I debuted my own reality television show, featuring me and my family, in 2005. We looked at NBC, CBS, FOX and everywhere else brother, but in the end it was VH1 that got the honors.
It was originally supposed to be called "The Hogan Family", but there were apparently some copyright issues from that. So we changed it to "Valerie's Family" but someone in Hollywood was obviously jealous of my success, and that had to be scrapped too (same deal with our neighbor Mrs. Poole). Finally, we settled on the name "Hulk Hogan Is The Best", later shortened to "Hogan Knows Best".
These days, I'm focusing on the careers of my daughter Brooke (the most successful female singer since Madonna, brother) and my son Nick (race car driver and the man who made fauxhawks famous).
I'm still making wrestling appearances every once in a while, too, to the delight of my billions of fans on the Internet, brother. Just a little while ago, Sly Stallone called me and said his career wouldn't be complete unless I let him induct me into the WWE Hall of Fame. The next night at WrestleMania 21, I beat some Persian dude, which in turn ended the war in Iraq, brother.
Will there ever be another superstar as huge as Hulk Hogan? That's like asking if there will ever be another columnist as funny as Canadian Bulldog (Bulldog's Note: Thanks for the compliment!!!) (Hulk's Note: That's gonna cost you, brother.) (Bulldog: Send the bill to James Guttman)
For True Wrestling Stories and Hulk Hogan, I'm Canadian Bulldog.