Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories: The Four Horsemen

By Canadian Bulldog

By now, I'm sure you've all snatched up copies of the new "Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen" DVD like the stupid marks you are, always wasting money on dumb purchases. By the way, the DVD is available for purchase through this website Right Here (JG's note: WHY?)

The problem is, the DVD doesn't tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about this legendary stable. For example, did you know that many of wrestling's top stars auditioned for spots in the Horsemen? It's true. It's damn true (no, Kurt Angle wasn't one of them -- I just felt like saying that).

This week, I'm proud to bring you stupid marks, for the first time ever, original transcripts from these auditions, as well as several images of the stable that look as though someone went into MS Paint and put other people's heads over top of the original members.

Why? Because you deserve nothing less than The True Wrestling Story Of The Four Horsemen.

The year was 1986. America (and to a lesser extent, Canada) was in love with "Crocodile Dundee", "ALF", "Top Gun" and a David Lee Roth-less Van Halen. It was the year when a young Canadian Bulldog started watching wrestling, cheering on King Kong Bundy in his worthwhile pursuit of ending "Hulkamania".

But over in the National Wrestling Alliance (Motto: "[63] Days Since Last Dusty Finish"), something interesting was happening. Because of a territorial wrestling bylaw at the time that forced all heels to be related to one another, World Champion Ric Flair aligned himself with "cousins" Ole and Arn Anderson and "unemployed brother-in-law" Tully Blanchard and created a stable known as Los Boricuas, more commonly referred to as The Four Horsemen.

This development helped the NWA fill one of the biggest voids in its television programming: finding people for Mustached Tony Schiavone and David Crockett to interview while they hung out on their television stage that looked like it was built by sixth-graders.

Too bad they didn't have THIS person interviewing with them at the time…

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 37a

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Yo, everyone knows what I'm doin' today,

I'm out here to battle Magnum T.A.

I'm gonna take his Mid-Atlantic Strap

Then I'll say some edgy words like "poop" and "dog crap"

With the posse in my corner, I've got nothin' to fear.

And THEN you should boo me, 'cause the Champ… Is… HEE-YAH!

Schiavone:

NEXT!

Managed by Flair's "stepfather" James J. Dillon, The Four Horsemen quickly became one of the most feared stables in wrestling. Actually, they were probably the ONLY stable in wrestling at the time, unless you count General Skandor Akbar's Devastation Inc.

Most historians do not.

As a unit, The Horsemen terrorized many of the NWA's top babyfaces, including Dusty Rhodes, Magnum T.A., Ricky Morton, That Guy Who Hung Out With Ricky Morton and, occasionally, Lazer Tron.

Yet what people admired most about The Horsemen was their willingness to party. Many a night with "Slick Ric" and the boys would end with thousands of dollars of liquor, drugs, fine food and women spread all over the fanciest hotel room in town.

Oh, wait -- sorry, I'm confusing that with my lifestyle.

Fine -- I WISH that was my lifestyle, okay?!? Let's just go to the damn audition tape…

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 487b

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

I tell you somethin', brudda. HOO HOO! I might be ready to fly in the sky tonight, brudda, and everyone here knows it or they don't, brudda. HOO HOO! Look at it... HOO HOO! Superfly flyin' high tonight, brudda… HOO HOO!

Schiavone:

NEXT!

In their first two years as a unit, The Horsemen appeared on NWA television approximately 17,352 times, mostly in interviews conducted on the stage built by sixth graders. Their message was clear: They were better than everyone else.

Except for Ole Anderson, that is. Because of a rule that says each Horseman has to leave the group at a certain age (or maybe I'm thinking of Menudo?), Ole was kicked out in favor of future WBF Hall of Famer Lex Luger.

While The Horsemen were happy that at least one of their brethren now had a physique that wouldn't be referred to as "doughy", the group may have even been more successful had they hired the following candidate:

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 316

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Lookatcha! (WHAT?) Wearing yer little suit (WHAT?) With yer little mustache (WHAT?) Holdin' yer little microphone (WHAT?) Standing on yer little stage that a buncha sixth-graders probably built (WHAT?) Yer pathetic! (WHAT?) If you wanna see me open up a can a whoop-ass on Tony Schiavone, gimme a "HELL YEAH!"

Schiavone:

HELL YE... I MEAN, NEXT!

The Lex Luger-Four Horsemen marriage, much like my own marriage, wasn't meant to last. It ended in brutal fashion, much like my... nahhhh, not going to go there... when Luger attacked his teammates over a battle royale victory.

Luger's replacement was soon revealed -- it was his own tag team partner, Barry Windham, back when tag team partners didn't turn on each other, like, every week.

This Horsemen lineup seemed to make the most sense: four suit-wearing, limousine-ridin', Lear Jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin'… WOOO! Where was I again?

Oh right... four like-minded heels who worked towards a common goal. Namely, getting the NWA to build a new freaking set for them to be interviewed on. Fortunately, no new set was needed for the following audition (nice segue, huh?):

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 351a

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

DAMN!

Schiavone:

Uh… "damn"? What else do you have to say?

Auditioner:

DAMN!

Schiavone:

Hmmm… sorry, you don't get the part, then. NEXT!

Auditioner:

DAMN!

The year was 1989. America was listening to… oh, I don't know, let's say Falco, and a young Canadian Bulldog watched Ric Flair turn face, leading me to watch my first, and still favorite, NWA pay-per-view ever, The Great American Bash '89.

Towards the end of the year, Flair reunited with Ole and Arn Anderson, and they were looking for a fourth partner to complete the group. They chose future TNA superstar Sting to round out the unit, before turning on him maybe three weeks later.

Good thing "Stinger" learned from his mistakes and never let THAT happen again.

Um... audition tape anyone?

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 75c

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Hellllllo, ladies! You know, The Big Valbowski has a lot in common with The Four Horsemen...

Schiavone:

Like hell you do. NEXT!

Because 1990 began with the seeds of a Flair-Sting feud, the Horsemen re-hired Barry Windham and added noted psychopath Sid Vicious to round out the team.

Of course, this meant that, if you included Ole, it was now actually The Five Horsemen. This prompted "Complete and Utter Bulldog" co-host The Big Rybowski and I to compose a Horsemen song as part of a "WCW All-Stars" audio cassette.

I'm not kidding. It was to the tune of (sung on top of) the WWF song "Real American" and featured the lyrics:

We Are The Four Horsemen

Even though there, are really five of us.

Other songs on the tape, which I believe I still have somewhere, include one about Buddy Landell sung to the tune of "Honky Tonk Man" (Lyrics: "I'm just Buddy Landell. I'm cool, I'm cocky, I... smell?") and "The Life and Times of Captain Mike Rotunda" (Lyrics: I want to be, a wrestling star, Captain Mike, Captain Mike, Rotunda.").

Have I mentioned I had a troubled childhood?

This (the feud, that is; not the audio cassette) led to the lame "Dudes With Attitudes" stable, which is not to be confused with the lame "Two Dudes With Attitudes" tag team about a decade later. Members of the babyface stable included, at various times: Sting, Lex Luger, El Gigante, The Steiner Brothers, Paul Orndorff, Rocky King, Robocop, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, Three Of The Four Surviving Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jaws and The Junkyard Dog.

Of course, if the Horsemen had really been smart, they may have hired this guy to counter the Dudes:

Four Horsemen Audition Tape # 84

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Well you know something, brother, Ted Turner called me up and offered me 20 billion dollars to come here and save the Horsemen, brother. So I said, listen up, jack, first we have to make sure we get the money right before we talk about business, brother. And whatcha gonna…

Schiavone:

NEXT!

By the summer of 1991, Flair had left what had by then become World Championship Wrestling (Motto: "The single greatest promotion in the history of this business!") and jumped over to the World Wrestling Federation (Motto: "Got Ass?").

By the time he returned to WCW a year later (and may I just say, Naitch, brilliant career move, there), Flair was ready to re-form The Horsemen once again, this time with himself, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson and, uh... Paul Roma.

Now, I'm not saying that making Roma a Horseman was the single dumbest mistake WCW ever made (there's a whole True Wrestling Story in THAT subject some day), but here's a list of 10 people that may have better than Roma in that role:

(And yes, he really once was a jobber in WCW. Just ask him if you don't believe me.)

And here's another guy who might have made a little more sense in the group...

Four Horsemen Audition Tape #302

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

This is da newest member of da Horseman coming' at ya, daddy, live an' in living color, if you weeel. Funky like a monkey on da muthaship. And tonight, we gonna take out that fat tub a' crap, Da 'Merican Dream Dust... hey, wait a sec. Shouldn't I be reading a different script?

Schiavone:

NEXT!

Once The Horsemen realized they no longer wanted to suck ass, Flair and Arn had a falling out, leading to an eventual one-on-one match between the two. Later, it somehow ended with Sting getting turned on. Considering he's about to go down that road YET AGAIN in TNA, you'd think Sting would have figured this out by now.

With Flair and Arn back together again, they recruited a couple of generic pretty boys that probably would never become famous, also known as Brian Pillman and Chris Benoit.

Benoit feuded intensely with Kevin Sullivan, resulting in minor marital problems between Sullivan and his wife Woman (real name: Nancy Sullivan-Flair-Doom-Sandman-Benoit). Lord only knows what would have happened had Vince Russo been writing for WCW at this time...

Pillman, on the other hand, made a name for himself by counseling disadvantaged youth. Either that or he went batshit psycho. I have trouble telling the difference. Which is...uh, why they won't let me become a foster parent. STUPID FUCKING CHILD FAMILY AND WELFARE DEPARTMENT!!!

awkward...

Four Horsemen Audition Tape #302

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! What in the blue hell is your name, you sick freak?

Schiavone:

I'm...

Auditioner:

It doesn't MATTER what your name is! If ya smelllllllalalalalow...

Schiavone:

NEXT!

The search was on for a fourth member to the group after Pillman left in 1996 to go freak out people in the WWF instead. For some reason, WCW ignored all of these audition tapes being sent to them and hired Monday Nitro commentator Steve "Mongo" McMichael instead.

While McMichael wasn't the absolute worst choice for The Horsemen (see earlier list), most of his tenure seemed to revolve around a metal briefcase and his wife Debra (real name: Debra McMichael-Jarrett-Austin-Probably-Jarrett-Again).

In a related note, Jeff Jarrett was also briefly a Horseman, but because TNA sucks, we're going to omit that one.

In a nod to the earlier days, The Horsemen spent most of their time on WCW television sitting at a banquet table that had been set up near ringside, cavorting with their female valets, and being interviewed by a mustached Mean Gene Okerlund.

And yet the table was more elaborate than the old WTBS sixth-grader set.

Four Horsemen Audition Tape #4

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Schiavone, look at this suit. Custom-made, just like me, from head to toe. WOOOOOO! The Horsemen are winners. We enjoy the finest things in life. And whether you love it, or you hate it, you better get used to it, 'cause it's the best thing going today. WOOOO! WOOOO!

Schiavone:

Ric? But... you're already in The Horsemen. Why on earth are you here auditioning?

Auditioner:

WOOOOOOOOO!

Schiavone:

NEXT!

The year was 1998. "There's Something About Mary" and "Saving Private Ryan" were heating up the box office, Britney Spears still had her original hair, and a young adult Canadian Bulldog had finally realized that the outcome of professional wrestling contests just might be pre-determined.

Over in WCW, things could definitely have been better. Professional slimebucket Eric Bischoff had kept Flair off television during a contract dispute, teaching wrestlers a valuable lesson: if you don't do what your boss says, you'll become more popular than ever. Still, by September, the Horsemen were getting ready to make one last run.

With a now-retired Arn Anderson fronting the group in the J.J. Dillon role, Flair, Benoit and McMichael were joined by former James Bond wannabe Dean Malenko. Curt Hennig was also briefly in the group, but because I can't remember if that was before or after this reunion, I'm just going to pull a WWE and pretend like it never happened.

Yet the group never seemed to enjoy its past successes, possibly because of undetermined political forces backstage (coughcough). By the time the WWF purchased WCW in 2001, wrestling's finest stable had already been sent to the glue factory.

Although... one wonders if they would have suffered a similar fate had they hired this guy:

Four Horsemen Audition Tape #61

Schiavone:

As the newest member of the Horsemen, what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?

Auditioner:

Quite frankly, I make more money in a year than most of you people make in a lifetime. I'm a billionaire, DAMMIT! Alright... you dare make fun of me, pal? Tonight – in this very ring – I am going to make you KISS MY ASS!

Schiavone:

Wow. That's actually... perfect for the Horsemen. Fantastic! Just one question before we hire you: do you have any problems jobbing to Lex Luger and being interviewed on a stage built by a bunch of sixth-graders?

Auditioner:

You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Schiavone:

NEXT!

For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and Online Onslaught and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com