Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker's 10/29/05 Smackdown (The Bitter Old Man Edition)
By Dan Crocker
Oct 29, 2009 - 3:10 PM

You know what I like about men? We only have two feelings: hungry and horny. Unless drunk is a feeling, then we have three. Women, on the other hand, are nuts. Why would you, after having sexual relations with your partner, start crying and asking them if they think you are attractive? I just had sex with you, didn't I? Yes, I think you're attractive. Of course, at this point I'd have sex with a tire swing. You know what else bugs me? I've been trying to buy underwear for two weeks. But, everytime I go to get underwear there's about three women picking through the men's underwear! Why? Your husband can't pick out his own underwear? In the mean time, I'm stuck with nothing but a three year old elastic band. But, I'm not going to buy underwear with strange women watching me. If I was picking through the women's underwear, I'd be labeled a masher and probably arrested for perversion. It's a tough, tough world, men. Thank god we have rasslin'.

Well, I tuned in to Smackdown about five minutes late and Matt Hardy, Christian, and some other fools are already in the ring talking about Taboo Tuesday. You know, the PPV we get to choose *wink wink nudge nudge*. I pop open a beer and here comes Hardcore Holly. Cole says, "I can't think of anyone I'd rather see in Taboo Tuesday than Hardcore Holly." Does Cole even watch wrestling? Anyway, there's a match, it's pretty good. Rey Mysterio wins it. He shakes hands with Matt Hardy. Do you know what this means, kiddies? It means Edge is going to pin Hardy at Taboo Tuesday.

Oh, and WWE fans will chant "Holy Shit" when someone does a suplex. It's called the X-division, people, look it up. And if I seem a little bitter, I am. Someone my wife works with gave us a couch. We didn't need a couch. I like the one we have. If I wanted a couch, I'd go buy a new one. Not one that strangers have probably sat naked on. So, we carry out the old couch (this is at 10 pm), carry in the new couch. My wife don't like the new couch. We carry out the new couch. We carry the old couch back in. My back hurts.

Booker T is backstage. He can afford snazzy shirts now that he's US champ. Now I know why Sharmell was so intent on it. They're gonna talk to Teddy Long. Teddy lets Booker know that Sharmell helped him win. Booker is upset. He's gonna make her apologize to Benoit. I smell a swerve a mile away. Well, we'll find out after the break.

On VH1, they're showing another "I Love the 80's." You know what I love about the 80s? I could still see my penis over my stomach.

And we're back. Piper is here. He's on crack, but he's funny as all get out. He says the Ortons are devolving. Bob's dad was big, smart and strong. Bob is big and strong. Randy is just, well, big. It was a funny bit.

We get a taste of the juniors for the first time tonight. They're messing with Simon Dean. Apparently Johnny Ace said that people can't have motorized vehicles in the building anymore, so Dean has to give up his rascal.

Smackdown is proud to present to you....the Juniors! You know, I don't mind the Juniors. But, for God's sake let them wrestle. Instead, they're turned into a cheap, unfunny, comedy bit. Note to WWE's creative team: little people are not inherently funny. I mean, you can't just throw them out there to do anything and except it to be funny because they're little. Give Super Porky a ham, now that's funny. It's funny because it's a ham. So, what am I saying? Ham=funny. The old bucket full of confetti (or as Cole called it Graffiti) not funny. Let the little guys wrestle if you're gonna use them. Who knows, they might put on a killer match. Yes, an actual match!

Anyway, Short Sleeve Sampson beats Pitbull Patterson. Patterson came out with a bucket (see above) and what's his name says "The bucket represents what the juniors bring to the table." You see folks, it's a metaphor. It's deep. WTF?

Oh, and when Sampson beat Patterson, Cole said, and I kid you not, "Patterson beats the other guy." He basically got everything wrong.

Tazz is funny. Don't believe me? Check out this classic. "He came up a little short." Hardy har har.

Oh, after the match the juniors beat up Simon Dean. You know your gimmick has failed when you're getting beat up by another gimmick that is going to fail.

Can you dig it, Sucka! I'm going to be Booker T for Halloween. I got a wig for it today from the dollar store for three bucks. I look more like the guy from the Counting Crows, but...in my mind I'm Booker. Well, Booker makes Sharmell apologize to Benoit. I don't think she means it. She also apologizes for Booker not being a real man. Poor Book. But wait, remember that swerve I smelled, here it comes. Booker busts Benoit's head open with the belt and a feud is born. I don't mind, those two can put on some good matches. Probably not as good as their best of seven in WCW, but good matches.

Cole: "You mean this has been a set up all along?" DUH.

Tazz wants to know why Booker would do this. I have an answer: Because he's Booker T, bitch. That's the way he rolls.

There's a sign in the audience that reads, "I love beer." Me too, friend, me too.

Am I the only one who remembers where the nick name The Juice comes from? Read up on your Russo history folks.

Trick or Treat. No, really, Trick or Treat.

Jake the Snake was awesome. He provided me hours of entertainment when I was young. He had great ring psychology and I can remember his matches with Randy Savage blowing me away. I will buy the "Pick Your Poison" DVD . But, I swear, if they do a Ultimate Warrior hack job on him, I'll never watch WWE again. I know, he has a lot of problems, many of them self-inflicted. I don't mind if the DVD approaches that in an honest and compassionate way, but if they tear him apart, I'm done with them.

Oh, there's a fatal four-way. Mexicools, Englanites, um..you know. Basically the same match they've shown for the last three weeks. Well, it's good timing because I have to go pick my wife up from work (then when I get back, it'll be the entire couch ordeal...wow, this sentence is almost like traveling back in time). Anyway, the rest is completely made up. During the fatal fourway Abdullah the Butcher came out and killed everyone. Then, he fed them to Super Porky.

You can't see me. Really, cuz I'm invisible.

Remember the movie Cocktail? You don't have to fling bottles around when you're drinking Milwaukee's Best Light. Life is more simple. I have a slogan for Milwaukee's Best Light. They can have it for free and it goes like this. "Milwaukee's Best Light--It gets you drunk."

Me and Mr. Kennedy show back up in my living room at the same time. The Ortons are there. So's Eddie and Batista, and Piper. Piper's not wearing a shirt. I'll have nightmares tonight. They live, Roddy, they live.

Understatement of the night comes from Tazz: "Piper's not in ring shape."

Anyway, they all roll around and eventually Piper puts Bob to sleep with the, um, sleeper. That's the show.

Yes, I realize I sound bitter, but when you're not in the best of moods anyway, wrestling is supposed to put you in a better mood. Tonight's Smackdown didn't. It goes deeper than that, however. RAW is seeping in to it. It's even more than that, it's the McMahons. I can't shake the feeling they really do think they -are- the business. It's a cockiness that don't sit well with me because it's not part of the show. The kicker is, TNA is putting on a much better product right now. If wrestling was music, WWE would be the Backstreet boys and TNA would be Nirvana right before they broke out. I realize that's not a good analogy, but I'm drunk. The point is, WWE is trying to be too commercial for it's own good and TNA still has a bit of artistic integrity to it.

Two hours of wrestling and no Super Porky. I'm sad. Goodbye.

Bermuda...Jamaica...ohhhhh, I wanna take ya....