From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
Classic Crocker: Dan's 11/25/05 Drunken Smackdown (The Bloated, Channel Surfing, Drinking Wine Edition)
By Dan Crocker
Apr 15, 2010 - 8:40 AM
Originally Published November 26. 2005....
Please allow me to introduce my man. The United States Writing Champion, Daniel T.
Thanks, woman. You know how at every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every damn holiday and family reunion one of your relatives drinks a little too much and makes everything uncomfortable for everyone else. Well, I'm that relative. I can't help if my nieces' boob job was botched. Somebody has to say something for God's sake.
You know, Randy Orton is a legend killer. He killed the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, The Legend of Billy Jean and Legend...that movie a pre-crazy Tom Cruise starred in.
Teddy Long puts Smackdown on high alert. He uses the same code the US uses for terrorist alerts. I think Smackdown is on code orange.
Once again, Booker T. and Chris Benoit resort to Fist ta cuffs. It's the holidays, so I've said farewell to beer. I've given it up for wine. I'm not that white trash. Nothing says class like wine in a jug.
Cole can smell Raw coming. I'm sorry, Mike, Tazz had one too many deviled eggs over Thanksgiving.
There's a sign in the audience. It reads, 'Stacy is sexy.' Hello Mr. Understatement . . . . . . . . .Understatement.
Cole: I didn't know a tooth had skin on it.
Wait. Booker and Benoit are still wrestling and as you'd expect it's not bad at all for a television match. But we end up with two refs, a dispute, and a title being held up. You all read the recap.
Backstage JBL is fully clothed and looking for those Raw guys. I think he smelled them too. They smell of fine musk and jasmine. But, the only thing he finds is Boogeyman (boogieman?) singing a spoonful of sugar from Mary Poppins. Ok, I laughed. The fool makes me laugh, and JBL's reaction was perfect.
Next match. The Dicks vs. .... I'm going to get some more wine.
In England, they like Dicks. Either way, by the time I'm back from Rite Aide Mr. Kennedy has been DQ'd and Matt Hardy picks up a win. Tazz and Cole spend like half an hour calling each other fools. Let me settle this for you, folks. You're both fools.
Well, if it's not Uncle Eric outside, looking smug. I should just give you this conversation verbatim.
Eric: I have a message for you, Teddy Long.
Teddy: What's that, Uncle Eric, Eazy E, Playa.
Eric: They're coming to get you.
Teddy: Who's that, playa?
Eric: My army of genetically engineered Boogeyman clones, obviously.
Boy, that Christy. I'd eat her giblets. It's the wine talking, people.
Tazz says, 'we're about to experience the greatest history in the history of the game.'
Wait, I thought they edited Smackdown?
Cole actually calls him on it and Tazz responds with 'You might be able to talk straight seeing [the hot girls in the ring] but I get tongue tied. I'm straight.'
I'll never find the homophobia in wrestling funny. I do find this funny though.
How do you get a witch pregnant?
You f*ck her.
Backstage Orton wants to talk man to man with Batista. Yada, yada, yada. I think they're turning Randy face for his soon to be title run. Isn't that the mistake they made with him on RAW? He's a natural born heel.
Oh yeah, and even on Smackdown they can't help but kiss the ass of HHH.
Over on Fox news there are people on Hannity and Colmes who believe the biggest problem facing the US as a nation right now is that was don't have a big stone wall dividing us and Mexico. Unemployment, high gas prices, a never-ending war, natural disasters'nah. Mr. Bush, build that wall.
On ABC. Hope and Faith manage to be sort of hot and yet still annoying. And that one guy who has been on every mediocre sitcom from Happy Days to Married with children is on there! Usually, he's only brought in for the last few years of a sitcom. I've never actually seen Hope and Faith before but I assume he's always been on there. He was also in most of the Revenge of the Nerds movies. I give him major props for that anyway.
Wine...where's my wine.
You know the Bret Hart DVDs would make a good Christmas present for someone whose name rhymes with Pan Smocker.
Carlito and Masters have front row tickets to Smackdown. There's nothing anyone can do about it. They'll kick you out for bringing in a sign that says 'TNA rules' but if you're just there to beat up Rey Mysterio, you're fine.
At some house show Nunzio beat The Juice for the Cruiserweight title. Cole says it goes to show that anything can happen at a WWE house show. I'd buy it if I had even remembered there even was a cruiserweight title.
Anyway, in about two minutes Juventud wins the title back.
Wine, says I!
I reckon JBL is a face now. Everyone on Smackdown is a face now.
Over on Fox...Jesus, Congress is going to consider a bill that would put an extra tax not only on gas, but an extra-extra tax on people who drive hybrid cars because they aren't paying as much taxes for gas as other people. Since hybrid cars are more expensive to begin with and you know the environment and stuff'it makes sense. To hell with the Ozone!
Lord, there's Shawn Hannity wearing a polo shirt and sunglasses and riding a horse. He's on goddamn border patrol.
You know, Smackdown could have had a nice little mini-angle with Tazz training Teddy Long for his fight against Uncle Eric. I mean, the Bisch has his Karate background and all, why not give Teddy a tiny month long angle. It could have been funny if done right. I demand that Smackdown let myself and James Guttman write their shows from now on.
The Englanites. Those damn beady-eyed Hooligans! You know, England is going to let their pubs stay open past 11 now to try to curb binge drinking. They say binge drinking has become an embarrassment to their country. What with the puking college boys and half naked girls rolling around in the streets as soon as the pubs close. Fools, the only reason I went to England was for the binge drinking.
Lashley wins.
Over on FX, man, if Eric doesn't come back from Africa and marry Donna I'm gonna hurl.
Michael Cole pulls out the Sword of Omens and using SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT he informs us that he sees more RAW performers showing up before the end of the night. Either that, or he read the spoilers.
And, just like that Orton and Batista don't even get started before the RAW folks invade. It's pretty much the RAW roster fighting the Smackdown roster. Batista is handing out one-armed spine busters. It's actually not a bad melee. OMG! Big Show just super-kicked Batista...sort of. It was a good effort. Eventually, the RAW tag champs double choke slam Batista through the announcer's table and we fade to black.
I know that there isn't much logic to RAW and Smackdown right now. I mean, who's a face, who's a heel, why are they working together? It's not been explained really well. But, that said, I've found it pretty entertaining. Logic is over rated anyway. C'mon, James, be the what's his name to my Vince Russo. I can forget logic with the best of them!
Oh, I put my friend's son in the figure four on Thanksgiving. My pants pretty much feel off in the process and I had smoked like two packs of cheap cigs. I nearly had a stroke, but he did- tap out.
I RULE! I FREAKIN' RULE!
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