Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker on...There's No JR in TNA, Tellin' It Like It Is...Right After The Check Clears, Tiger's Putts, Freezing To Death, No Texts For Hoochies, and More
By Dan Crocker
Dec 3, 2009 - 12:20 PM

Never text message a hoochie mama. It's a simple fact that every man should learn. I learned it by the time I was thirteen, and I didn't have text messages on my phone until last month. Never leave proof! How can Tiger Woods be so good at golf and so bad at cheating? Oh well, he's still rich as Jesus. I'm sure he'll be fine. Unless, like Hogan's wife, she starts dating a 19 year old that looks just like a young Tiger Woods and ends up creeping everyone out.

Don't text a Hooch!

Let me make this prediction. I don't think Jim Ross is ever going to go to TNA. This comes up every time his contract or health are in question, and he never goes. Trust me on this, I'm never wrong. Go ahead, look through every column I've ever written. I defy you to find one time that Dan Crocker was wrong. You won't. Dan Crocker gets it right. You know who is allowed to talk in third person? People who are right. Dan Crocker.

So, I'm back in Southern Mississippi. I'm going to tough out the winter with no heat. Not going to get my gas turned on. It normally doesn't get too cold here, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Well it's going to get down to 27 on Saturday and snow. They don't know how to handle snow here. People are already going to Wal-Mart to stock up on emergency supplies. I'll be freezing my ass off, but I've grown a beard. I can take it.

So why is Verne Troyer playing video games during RAW? Is the game that much better than the actual show? It may be. Still, they should think about this shit before just plugging their products. I mean, he's got a backstage pass to RAW, he's in charge, and he spends it playing video games and hanging out with Mark Henry. It would have really been funny if he had been playing something like Mario Kart. I kick ass at Mario Kart by the way. Give me Toad and I'm a god.

Jesse Ventura is still going on and on about a union for wrestlers. I'm with him, but I'm not sure going on RAW, taking a pay day, and then talking about it later is the way to go. RAW is live right? If he really wanted to cause a buzz for his new show, he should have said something live on RAW. See, I'm a diabolical genius.

So Hogan is making his TNA PPV debut at Genesis. I might get that--not so much for Hogan, but because I'm digging TNA a bit right now. I've always pulled for them, but when they push Styles and Daniels and Joe and focus on good wrestling then I'm there. I'd watch Styles and Angle over and over—even if Angle cries, he can still wrestle like crazy. Despite all of his problems, I don't think he texts hoochies either. You can avoid most problems in life by not sending text messages to a hooch.

I liked the HHH/Jericho match on RAW this week, but can't DX do their thing without dressing like thirteen year old skate rats? Come on, Shawn, I love you. You know that, but you're too old to be a hipster. You don't want to be a hipster anyway. Hipsters suck. Get rid of the sock cap and send it to me. I have no heat. Not the wrestling king of heat...I mean my house is freezing and I'm dead broke. So, stop it. Shawn if you start wearing skinny jeans, we're through. Look at how Jericho's career took back off once he cut his hair and started dressing like an adult.

Hogan says he has some surprises for TNA. I can only hope they bring back David Flair. Or Stacy Kiebler. If the Monday night wars return, I'll watch whichever company can nab Kiebler.

Love her cookies, but wouldn't text.

Okay, until next week . . . unless I literally freeze to death.