Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker's New Year's Crockin' Eve: Resolutions For Wrestling's Stars, 12 Sided Rings, Lou Thesz in TNA, Steve Williams, and More
By Dan Crocker
Dec 31, 2009 - 1:17 PM

I hope everyone had a nice holiday season. I come to you on New Year's Eve, where many of you will be too drunk to read this. The new year brings us hope, optimism, a chance for change and most of all, Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff in TNA. To counter, of course, Vince is bringing in Bret Hart for the January 4^th RAW. My prediction for the new year, and for every year to come until global warming wipes us out, is that wrestling is going to continue to bring back older and older guys.   This time next year TNA is going to bring in Lou Thesz and RAW is going to counter with Gorgeous George.

I don't think there's any way that TNA beats RAW in ratings this Monday. I do think, however, that we'll see a higher than normal rating for both shows. Will it last? Probably not. However, if TNA puts on a kick ass show, and RAW puts on a kick ass show, for one night it will be like the glory days of the Monday Night Wars again—except this time one of the promotions has a crazy six-sided ring.   If I ever start a wrestling program, I'm going to have a 12 sided ring. Beat that you sumbitches.

Taz's New Year's resolution is that TNA get back to a simpler, kinder sort of story-telling. His resolution last year was to still have a job. So, he's doing all right.

I sort of like this Jericho petitioning RAW to get back on the show business. The funny Jericho is always good. But, I hope they don't forget that keeping him a bit more serious is what has made him so spectacular the last few years. He has to keep his killer edge by, you know, slamming people's heads into a big screen TV and such.

In any event, I've taken the time to interview a few wrestlers, other than Taz, about their New   Year's Resolutions and here they are:

HHH: More air time.

HBK: To find the perfect pair of skinny jeans.

Hulk Hogan:   To make TNA the best damn wrestling program it can be, brother. Who am I kidding, to make some bucks.

David Flair: Jenny Craig.

Ric Flair:   To have my man-boobies be seventeen time man-booby champions.

Bret Hart:   What the hell was I thinking?

Randy Savage: To find something that rhymes with TNA for my next rap album. So far I got, “Tinman Lay.”   You know, like if Hulk Hogan was the Tinman from Wizard of Oz.

A.J. Styles: To lose several times to a bald, bandanna wearing man who is twice my age.

Samoa Joe:   A.J. Took mine.

            Finally, folks, a sad farewell to Steve Williams.   One of the best and from all accounts a good guy. I remember watching him in the “Varsity Club” years ago and I was always entertained by just about everything he did from then on out.

One more thing. I didn't mean this Gorgeous George, but happy New Year anyway.

I smile because people like my boobs.