Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker on...Moving In With Vicki Guerrero, Rehabbing Batista With White Castle, and Naked Mario Kart For America
By Dan Crocker
Jun 12, 2009 - 8:08 AM

I'm so old I pulled a hammy bowling. Bowling is a sport old people play when they pull hammys playing real sports. It sucks to be old. Batista and I are in the same boat. Except, obviously, I have a better body than he does. I also had a root canal this week. It's sucks to be these pain pills, let me tell you what. They know they're going to be eaten. Yes, I can see it in their beady little eyes. I feel bad for Batista though. It seems like every time he becomes champ, he gets injured. I mean one minute you're on top of the world and burying Orton, the next, wham. I understand. I can pull my tear my bicep brushing my teeth.

Also, a farewell to that plumpy milf Vickie Guerrero. One of the best authority figures WWE has had in a long, long time. She started out a little shaky, but I think she won everyone over in the long run.

 In an Official statement, Vickie Guerrero said she was quiting WWE to spend more time with Dan Crocker.

By God Tommy Dreamer did grab the gold. I didn't think it would happen, but I'm glad I did. Don't get me wrong. I don't think he should keep it too long—maybe just until the next PPV, have a kick ass match, and retire. He can come and stay with me and Vickie while we nurse Batista back to health. We eat a lot of White Castle though—next time you see Batista on WWE, he'll weigh the same, but it'll be all in fat. Boy that's really going to mess with his tatts.

In any event, it looks like we're going to need a new champion on RAW. They've made Orton, and the entire legacy look weak, so I don't know if they're going to go that direction. The return of HHH doesn't bode well for those of us who would rather stick razor blades up into our toenails than see him champion again. They could go ahead and push Miz to the top. That could be interesting. They could bring over someone from one of the other brands, as well. There's just not too many people on RAW I really want to see as champion right now. I guess time will tell. I mean, you can say the beat down of Batista to open RAW gave the legacy some of their heat back, but it seems like it's too little too late for me. After the Shane McMahon stuff and Batista beating Orton in like 20 seconds....I don't know.

As far as I'm concerned, every match on every RAW should be Jeff Hardy and Edge in a ladder match. Well, at least for one RAW. Make some of the wrestlers, and I'm not mentioning Cena by name, who get by with pure looks see what some wrestlers will do just to stay on top. C'mon over and visit me and Vickie, Jeff, I have some pain pills waiting for you.   I know Punk screwed you. It was sort of cool. I just wonder if WWE will know what to do with him as a champion now. My guess is no.

But we have three hours of RAW next week to figure it out. That's three hours I have to stop playing Wii. I figured out, I'm a natural born Mario Kart genious. Also, Zelda: Twilight Princess is fun as hell. Vickie likes it as well. Batista, not so much, it's hard to do with one arm. But he really hates Mario Kart. You don't want to see road rage, or 'roid rage, when a man that size gets hit by a red shell right before crossing the finish line.

 I like to play Mario Kart in the nude . . . FOR AMERICA!

See you all next week.