Note to self: This ninja gimmick isn't working out.

There's a long line of ninjas in the wrestling business. You just can't remember any of them. As tempting as it is, it's just a gimmick that has never went anywhere for some reason. Sure, The Great Muta was awesome, but I'm not sure he was actually a “ninja.” Most of the problem was that none of these guys were anything close to what you would expect a ninja to be like. Most of them looked like this:

  I am a silent assassin. Except when I have gas.

Jim Ross, himself a ninja, guesses that HBK will return to the ring at Summerslam. Summerslam should really be two words, but it's not. I like Shawn Michaels though and will be glad when he gets back. I especially like him when Jericho is slamming his head through a big TV screen. Seriously. You don't see HHH doing that. No, that dude is pretty sure he's Jesus. If you haven't notice, he also spits water as a special effect. Yeah, I know, it's more successful than any ninja gimmick has ever been.

Apparently Steve Austin owes 20k in back taxes. I've went entire decades without making 20k. Still, Ross says these sort of things just “fall through the cracks.” I wrote that like it's a a direct quote. It's not. It's close though. The point is that Austin has been writing off hair cuts for years now and the IRS finally caught on. Also, you apparently can't write off beer either—which is why I'm currently writing this article from prison.

Bobby Lashley would like to go the way of Brock Lesner and fight in the UFC (I don't know the difference. All I know is those guys wear really tight shorts. This bothers me for some reason). I watch the MMA here and there, but I still think it's missing something. Mostly the eye rake. I'd like to see more of that. Also, if they'd ever watched Ric Flair, they'd know that if you really want to take a guy down and keep him down then you pull the tights! I actually tested that with my friend Jay Bingaman when we were kids. Pulling the tights don't do anything but pull off someone's tights. You don't want to see Jay Bingaman without tights.

Something or other went on with ZZ Top. I can't quite put my finger on it.

If RAW decides to let me be a guest host, I'm booking my face against Lita's boobs. Let the best face (or boobs) win. Shaq, are you listening?

There is a rumor out there that Karen Angle is living with Jeff Jarret and that Dixie Carter might buy out his stake in TNA. I know this to not be true, because Karen Angle has been living with me for the last three months. I can't help it. I like cougars and cougars like me.

Of course I don't use botox.

You know what Dixie Carter should do? Stop giving the title to guys over fifty. Seriously. Let's just stop that. Karen agrees, I just asked her. You know what else she could do? Give a ninja a chance. The time has come. Forget Bobby Lashley—it doesn't make sense for him to join the Main Even Mafia anyway. Ninjas, I say—a whole slew of them. Throw in a pirate and a really old rock band and you will have it made. That's ratings gold. I'm back in the deep south, after all, I have my finger on the pulse of your target demographic—meaning, I just asked this guy at the Waffle House.