Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker on...Mick Foley's Funyons Training Program, HBK's Comeback, Enigma Championship Wrestling, Torrie Wilson Protests, and More
By Dan Crocker
Jul 2, 2009 - 10:50 AM

Quick fact: Five out of five fat dudes agree that Funyons are Fun Yums! Also, since I'm a personal friend of his I have access to Mick Foley's Myspace page. He is apparently dreading his match with Kurt Angle and thinks he had better get in shape in the few weeks left building up to it. I assume he's going to eat more Funyons.

So last week I was on an impromptu camping trip and thus no article. I come home and find out that Trump no longer owns WWE. Well, that lasted longer than I though it would. I'm still not sure what the point was. I'll call Trump and ask him. Quick fact: Trump's hair has its own cell phone. Also, something or other is going on over on ECW. I can't explain it. It's like the theory of relativity or something.

Shawn Michaels told me that he may be returning to action late this summer. We were just hanging out, playing a little canasta, and of course talking to Jebus. He apparently needed a summer off. I need a summer off as well. Do I get it? No. Then again why did he need financial security from JBL if he can take a summer off? Why is everything so confusing? No, I'm not going to explain ECW to you. It's an enigma. I'll tell you this much, consider it a quick fact, HBK sort of sucks at canasta.

I hear there was a bash while I was away as well. Honestly, I could hear it all the way out in the woods. Let's run it down, mostly because I have nothing better to write about. I do have this little tidbit for you, however, raccoons are mean.

Tommy Dreamer is still ECW champ. No, I don't know what the hell they are doing over there. Trading everyone it seems. Apparently this is something Trump did in his eight minutes of owning RAW. That's all the explaining I'm going to do. Quick fact: Teddy Long is literally long.

This just in: Rey Rey has not been unmasked. You know he got unmasked in WCW once. It wasn't worth it.

Somebody is named Dolph Ziggler.

Quick fact: Orton is still fartin'.

After a strong build up, and a promo a few weeks ago that was pretty right on, Cena beat Miz in about five seconds at the bash. Then, they get a decent match on RAW. Something seems odd there, but far be it from me to criticize. I'm fat, after all, and fat people don't really have feelings—unless you count feelings toward Funyons. They are Fun Yum.

Orton beat HHH. I didn't see that coming. Honestly. I figured HHH had decided it was time for another championship run. This was a good move on the part of WWE, so I'll give credit where credit is due. It's not that I even hate HHH. I don't. There are a lot worse wrestlers out there that they put the belt on. It's just that he has the Jeff Jarrett syndrome and it all ends up getting forced fed to us. Keep the belt off him for as long as possible until it actually seems fresh again. At that point, I'll be cheering for the water spit. Quick fact: Every time I walk into a Basic Writing class for the first time, I look at my students, raise my arms, and spit out water. It's very intimidating. You better believe they take care of their commas after that. Me...I wouldn't know a comma if it bit me.

All right, that's it for me this week. Sorry you got no pictures this time, but I'm protesting Torrie Wilson not winning that show where she was on an island with La Bamba.

Fine. Just one.