How come I'm not in the new G.I. Joe? I'm in great shape. Look at me. I can run thirty feet without running out of breath.

I own those exact same pair on sunglasses. Also the hat. And that stick thing. I use it to hit Karen with when she gets all up in my grill.

Contract on a pole match? Did Russo go back to WWE while I was away? With the Miz in a mask . . . and he gets his contract back? Does this make sense to anyone else? Where the hell was the Midnight Rider in all of this. There's not many pictures of The Midnight Rider even on google, which ruins a hell of a good fart joke I had coming. There would have been the picture, and the caption would have been something like this. “You can run to keep from hiding . . . from my farts. I can't help it. I dine on a lot of pork and beans.”

It works on a lot of levels. First, you have to know that Dusty Rhodes was the Midnight Rider and he couldn't shut his fat jowls about pork and beans. Secondly, you have to know the song Midnight Rider. It's a perfectly constructed fart joke. Discuss.

So, Shawn Michaels is finally coming back, huh? I knew this day would come. Seriously, we all knew it would come. We just didn't know he'd be working as a chef. I sometimes work as a chef—if you count flipping burgers in a run down honky tonk a chef. Why didn't Shawn just retire and live on all that money JBL gave him? Shawn Michaels, I think it's well known at this point, is not good with money. First he had to work for JBL and now he's working in a kitchen. He's a Christian so he's obviously not spending it on drugs or booze or hooker—well, that's not as obvious as it might first appear, but I give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. Still, he goes through money like it's toilet paper. How many pairs of assless chaps does one man need? How many sequins until his lust of all things sparkley ends?

I guess this means we'll be seeing DX soon. Great. Jericho, Big Show, don't get too used to any titles. DX will win them and then break up again a week later. Hey, while we're at it, let's also bring back the Twin Towers (the old tag team—don't be sending me hate mail people). They don't get little girls anyway.

Yes, they look just like twins. Hell, triplets!

Well, I have a meeting to get to soon, and Karen doesn't like it when I have to leave (you know how cougars are). So I better go placate her.