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Dan Crocker on...The Ballad of Freddy Mayberry Jr, Chavo Poor Chavo, Egg Salad, The Stalking Angle, West Goes South, and More

By Dan Crocker
Aug 20, 2009 - 8:59 AM


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So Kurt Angle got arrested, huh. Karen told me this would happen. At least I think that's what she said. She has a hard time talking with her mouth full. Wow, I'll be going on the job market next year. I really shouldn't be writing that sort of thing. I would like to point out, however, that she was eating an egg salad sandwich. It wasn't what you were thinking. I don't know what to think about this business anymore. It's like steroids in baseball—it's just happened so much it's hard to feel outraged, saddened, or whatever else. I wish we could go back to a time when most wrestlers were fat and hairy. I guess the difference is that you don't hear of too many baseball players dropping dead in their mid-thirties. It's sad. Nothing else to say about it. As far as the “stalking” charges go, better him than me (I'm watching you Guttman!).

Has anyone watched the HBO show East Bound and Down? First of all, it's funny as hell. Secondly, Will Ferrell has a reoccurring guest roll as a car salesman. He looks, dresses, somewhat talks, and even says “Wooooo!” just like Ric Flair. It's great. I can't imagine that he didn't model this character after the Nature Boy.

Your new champion, Dan “mother frakin'” Crocker.

Freddy Prinze Jr., huh? They should have gotten Freddy Mayberry Jr. from my hometown of Leadwood, MO. Fred told me he once bit a girl's nipple off during sex and the chewed it like flavorless gum for the rest of the day. Fred told a lot of stories, none of which were true. That would have made him a great candidate for guest host of Monday Night RAW. Plus, he'd have book the long awaited my face against Lita's boobs match.

Thank God DX got beat up. Here's hoping they continue to beat up. Fred Mayberry Jr once beat them up, or so he told me. He was a master of the abdominal stretch—a move not used often enough these days in my opinion. Anyway, you all know I'm a big fan of Shawn Michaels and at one time I was a big fan of DX, but it's over guys. It's so over.

What the hell did Chavo do? Did he steal someone's wife, move in with her and drive that “someone” insane? I just don't get it. Why is he messing around with Hornswoggle every damned week?

Can we give the championship back to Jericho? Please? His last title reign was the most interesting WWE run in about 10 years. Fred Mayberry Jr. was writing Jericho's promos for him at that time. He's a renowned word smith.

I'm back to teaching now. I've made it a habit to walk in to class with Karen Angle. I introduce her as my valet. It's seemed to impress my students thus far. I said, “Look at this cougar, bitches! You only hope you can get a coug like this when you're my age.” Then I sort of blacked out and went into a 'roid rage.

I'm going to miss Don West. I know that no one else in the history of wrestling fans is going to miss him, but I'm going to miss him. TNA just won't be TNA without him yelling stupid crap in my ear.

Hey there! My interest include eating a bag of Funyans, watching The View, and crying myself to sleep.

I'm not going to order Summer Slam. Instead, I'm ordering the Moons over My Hammy.

Well, I'm taking my valet over to visit Freddy. Until next week, Excelsior!


Dan Crocker
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Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

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