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Dan Crocker on...Bret Hart Gets Mad At Drunks, Chavo Guerrero Gets Drunk and Tweets, Linda McMahon Gets Tough on Debt, and The View Gets a Makeover
There's nothing I like better than taking a break from Ninja Warrior training by brewing myself a cup of Earl Grey tea and curling up on the couch with the girls from The View. I think that James, Aaron, Matt, and even crazy Uncle Ralph would do great if we had a show with a similar format. We could call it, The View from Rock Bottom and our guests would be folks like Dusty Rhodes. In fact, the only guest we'd ever have would be Dusty Rhodes.
Bret Hart recently said that Ric Flair has a “pathetic” drinking problem. If there's one thing I hate it's a freakin' alcophobe. Look, Bret, there's nothing wrong with being an alcoholic. It's an alternative lifestyle. Damn sobies always trying to stick their noses in our business. All we want is the same rights as everyone else. Yeah, we're out there Bret and we're coming for your daughters. There's also some talk out there (and by “talk” I mean a series of mumbles and by “out there” I mean between me and Leon Barone down at the VFW hall) that Bret Hart is interested in working for WWE again. Well, I don't know what the hell happened there people. That's a hell of a turn about from what he's been saying for years. But as long as he's returning, I have the perfect way to introduce him back into WWE. Put him right into the red hot Chavo/Hornswoggle angle. Okay, watch this folks. Go on, I'll wait. Then I have just a few comments to make about it.
“Trillions in new debt.” And that's just at WWE. “Government run health care.” You'd think WWE would love a government run health care program. Then Vince could really give up on caring about the well being of his wrestlers. “Banks and Special Interests had their say for years. Now it's our turn.” Look. I'm not that political of a person, and I'm not really even that smart, but Linda, you're a fucking billionaire. That doesn't make you the voice of the people. Drinking has quickly become the theme of this week's column (couldn't you tell Linda was hammered in that ad?). First of all, it's 8am and I'm drunk. Secondly, Chavo has been sending around some crazy drunken twitters. Dude, don't drink and tweet. Everyone knows that. Apparently Chavo was mad at fans who have been ripping on his feud with Hornswoggle. Well, I've been ripping on that feud for weeks now. I realize, and Chavo points out, that this isn't a real contest of wrestling skill. I get it. It's entertainment. The problem is this feud stopped being entertaining weeks ago. However, one of the best quotes of the week came from one of Chavo's drunken tweets:“I can beat up a midget any day of the week, and so could u!” Damn right, Chavo! Let's go beat up some freakin' midgets man. I'm a bit old and more than a bit out of shape, but if I can't take a midget, dagnabit, then I need to hang it up. Now let's see, where can I find a midget at? I mean, you know, just one to kick a few times. I mean it would be so easy just to beat the ass of a mother freaking midg . . .
Oh Shit! Run. Here Comes Super Porky!
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