Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker on...The American Dream Needs a DVD Player, Your Olympic Baba Booey, You Can't See Him Quit, Rey Rey Bye Bye, and Run DMC Rollergirls
By Dan Crocker
Sep 3, 2009 - 12:22 PM

I went to my first roller derby recently, and it was a hell of an experience. This isn't the stuff you remember on TV. This was down home, backwoods roller derby and it was a blast. First of all, the DJ claimed to be a professional “comedian.” However, his jokes consisted of such gems as, “you could cut the tension with a zip code” and “I heard a rumor there's nachos at the snack bar.” (That's a rumor I quickly confirmed by the way.) He also apparently only brought threes songs with him: “It's Tricky” by Run-DMC, “Insane in the Membrane” by Cyprus Hill and “It's Tricky” by Run-DMC. There's a lot more I could go on about, but this is a wrestling article and not a roller derby. I'll give you this much—there were hot girls skating around in a circle and they served meat on a stick. You can't get much better than that.

This is my new girlfriend. All of them. Yeah, it's tricky.

So I've pretty much been the go to guy for news concerning Kurt Angle. I now hear, directly from him, that Howard Stern railed him pretty bad the other day. I guess for asking Robin out when he was on the show and then sending her a few texts. Yeah...that's crazy man. Crazy! There was also something or other about him crying. I believe that. He cries every time he calls me. I try to say, “Kurt, my man. Men are only allowed to cry when Spock dies on Star Trek II.” But he doesn't listen. Then he asks if he can talk to Karen, and I say no. Then I hang up the phone and I say, “Karen. Get in the kitchen and fix me a turkey pot pie.” She does.

I guess little Rey Rey is getting punished for speaking out against being suspended. Yet Kurt Angle can call me crying six or seven times a day and nothing happens. You know how to punish Rey? Have him wrestle and lose to Hornswoggle every week. Seriously—what did Chavo do?! Did he screw Linda Mcmahon? Forget to compliment Steph on her boob job?

I liked seeing Dusty Rhodes as the guest host of RAW. I like to see Dusty just about everywhere. He cracks me up. One of the best promos of all time came from Dusty—something about a little person beating off in a trashcan. He had a perfect opportunity to revisit that on Monday (with Hornswoggle) and chose not to for whatever reason. I like how he set up RAW with Cody against Orton, however. I also like the ending...all the way down to Orton putting the smack down on big Dust.

According to Cena he “will not quit.” That's shame really.

Why the hell was Dusty watching the WCW dvd at RAW? Doesn't he have a dvd player at home? They're not that expensive anymore. Hell, you can get one for about thirty dollars. That's approximately thirty cans of pork and beans you can dine on, Dust. It's not a big loss.

It really is fun to stay at the YMCA.

You know, near the start of this article when I said the DJ had three songs and then I mentioned the Run-DMC song twice, that was a joke. You see what I was doing there. It was close to brilliance. When I said it's a shame Cena won't quit, that wasn't really a joke. Anyway, I figured I'd just recap my own article and go for something a little post-modern, you know? If you're a fan of that sort of thing let me know. Crocker out!