Well, it’s been a tough few days for your Uncle Crocker. Basically I’ve spend two days reading six-hundred pages of literary criticism. See, the bookstore got my book in late and I have to have it read by tomorrow, so..., all of that fun condensed into two days. And until you’ve read Mimesis by Erich Auerbach, and lived the joys of his word by word analysis of Homer (the blind Greek writer, not Simpson) then you haven’t really lived. But, it did get me to thinking about what wrestler would be which writer—that is if writers were wrestlers or vice versa.

Ric Flair would be Shakespeare of course. He might be a little out of style and look like a walking cadaver, but he’s still classic and always will be.

Jeff Hardy would be Pamela Anderson. Yeah, she “wrote” a book. I don’t know why he would be Pamela Anderson. I just like to think about Pamela Anderson’s boobs. And now I have.

The Boogeyman would be Stephen King, obviously.

Scott Hall would be William Faulkner, Raymond Carver, Ernest Hemingway, Dan Crocker and about a million other writers. What do they all have in common? Alcohol. Glug, glug.

HHH would be Dean Koontz. Nobody ever admits to liking Dean Koontz, but his books still end up on top for some inexplicable reason.

JBL would be Larry Brown—a smart ass, hard nose southerner.

Randy Orton would be Pamela Anderson. Boobs.

Chris Jericho would be Al Sharpton (I think he “wrote” a book) or anyone else who makes bad rhymes.

Scott Steiner would be Thomas Pynchon. Is he brilliant, or is he just bat shit nuts? Is it art or does it just not make sense?

Black Machismo would be William Shatner. Yeah, he also “wrote” a book—several of them actually. C’mon, they are both consummate actors.

Finally, John Cena would be...let’s face it, it’s hard to picture John Cena as a writer.

Speaking of Cena, he’s back. You all know that of course. I guess the surprise at Rumble was neat. And he pretty much had to win at that point, the drama and all, but I’m already over it. I think WWE is making a bad decision to end the Hardy/Orton feud. I know why they brought him back, though. It makes perfect sense. TNA brought back Bullet Bob. I can see WWE creative:

Vince: What, they brought back Bullet Bob. That’s a hell of a coup. Ok, gentlemen, what are we going to do about this?

Writer #1: We could see what Hulk is up to.

Vince: No good. First of all, he’s on that gladiator show. Plus, it’s been done. Another Hogan return isn’t going to overshadow the return of Bullet Bob Armstrong.

Writer #2: Stone Cold:

Vince: Are you crazy? This is Bullet Bob we’re talking about. We need to do something that’s really going to shake things up. You know, puts some asses in seats. Get tongues wagging about something other than Bob’s return.

Writer 3: Cowboy Bob Orton? That way, when everyone is talking about Bob, we can spin it like they’re talking about our Bob.

Vince: That’s good thinking. That’s close. I, of course, already thought of that and Cowboy Bob is busy. Personally, I think he just doesn’t want to have to compete with Bullet Bob. Bob Bob Bob. Say it!

Writers: Bob Bob Bob.

Vince: That’s fun stuff. Get Cena on the phone and tell him we need him back pronto. I don’t care if he’s ready or not.

Finally, why is everyone so up in arms about some unprotected chair shot to the head at the Rumble? Chair shots to the head are as much of a part of wrestling as trunks. Bruiser Brody took a lot of shots to the head and he never . . . wait, bad example, well Sid Vicious never pulled a knife on anyone either and he took some . . . wait, just googled that, not a good choice....well damn.