Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker Looks At John Cena's Revelation,. The Idol Game, Hillary and Obama Get Extreme, and More
By Dan Crocker
Apr 10, 2008 - 2:56 PM

Newsflash!   This just in from last Monday’s RAW: Randy Orton likes to masturbate (himself and others). That’s right, we heard it straight from the mouth of fan favorite, hero to thousands of kids, John Cena. Why Randy Orton would be prone to such lewd and immoral acts, I don’t know. Either way, it’s worth of role model John Cena’s derision. If this is what is meant by the age of Orton, I’ll have no part of it. Thank God for upstanding citizens like Cena. If not for him, who would out the masturbators of society? Seriously, a generation pre-pubescent boys taught, finally, that masturbation is cause for ridicule is healthy. I mean, what could possibly go wrong there?

Random HHH sighting of the week:   You might have caught HHH on the American Idol gives back special this week, where he yelled at people to give money. The poor guy tried to sound soft spoken and sincere, but he ended up sounding like he was cutting a promo on philanthropists. Maybe he just doesn’t have a regular voice anymore. Imagine going to breakfast with him.

HHH: I’LL HAVE TWO EGGS!   FOUR SLICES OF BACON!   A GLASS OF SKIM MILK AND A CUP OF COFFEE!   HOLD THE CREAM!

At this point, I picture a waitress running away in tears wondering what the hell she did wrong.

Memphis, what happened?   Hit some free throws, please.

As for the rest of this week’s RAW, well the Highlight Reel was pretty good. HHH/Batista is something new anyway.   But a fatal four way at the next PPV? I just don’t want to see it. I like Orton as the champ this time around, don’t get me wrong, he’s really impressed me.   I just want to see him with some fresh blood. Part of the reason his feud with Jeff Hardy was so popular is that he wasn’t feuding with HHH or Cena. Those guys are fine, but let’s make a few new main-eventers here.  And can Cryme Tyme not sell stuff?   Here’s an idea, WWE—African American wrestlers who aren’t stereotypes. Remember how well that worked out for the Rock?

Finally, in case you missed it Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will be squaring off on ECW next week.   I have no reason to doubt that this will actually happen. Personally, I can’t wait to see Clinton in tights. And please don’t email me about how you don’t think two major political figures would fight it out on ECW—at the very least, you might say, they’d wrestle on RAW. Don’t be a hater. Since when has pro wrestling led us astray with hyperbole, or told us one thing and then done another, some ridiculous maybe like having a couple of hammy actors dress up like Clinton and Obama for cheap gags that aren’t really that funny? When you can’t trust what people are saying on a wrestling show, then what hope is there for the country?