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Crocker! WWE Has a Dream, New Newt Has a Problem, Jericho Has a Jacket, and Linda Has Celebreality Counseling

By Dan Crocker Jan 19, 2012 - 3:53 PM print


This week WWE had a dream. They even started out with Martin Luther King's famous speech.

 

 

Unfortunately, WWE's dream is that it was 1991 again. Come to think of it, in that way me and WWE aren't that different. To help fulfill their dream, it looks like they're putting Foley in the ring for the Royal Rumble. I think he has a chance because not even Sheamus could throw his fat ass over the top rope. The laws of gravity give me a decent chance in the Rumble as well. I deserve my shot.

 

Seriously, I'm a Foley fan. I just don't know how good of an idea this is, but if he is going to wrestle again this is where he needs to do it. He didn't hurt the six man tag match on RAW and was actually kind of fun. With all of the chaos and what not, he won't have to carry the match. He can sit back and be carried. He can even take a bit of a beating, go far into the Rumble, and come out looking pretty good. It's a mini-storyline that could work. So why not. Just make this it.

 

 

On TNA this week, you can look forward to a steel cage match between the knockouts. When reached for comment, one anonymous fan said, "as long as the cage don't get in the way of some boob action, what do I care."   Speaking of boob action, Flair will also be on tonight's Impact. No word yet on whether or not he's going to be in the steel cage match.   One man who most certainly won't be there (and not because TNA didn't do their best to book him) is former WWE champion Newt Gingrich (or as he was once booked, New Newt Gingrich or in Georgia just "The Grinch" whose finisher was "The Eye of Newt).

 

If you haven't heard you are probably dead, but old Newt is in a bit of trouble over once proposing to his ex-wife (one of them) that they have an open relationship. I don't find this surprising, and it has nothing to do with political affiliation. I never find anything rich people do surprising. If I was rich, I'd do all sorts of crazy stuff. What I do find surprising is that   Newt found two women who would have sex with him. That's one more than me, and I used to be pretty good looking.

 

 

Look at the way this cougar eyes Newt's neck waddle.   In some cultures, the waddle is a sign of virility.

 

 

Look folks, call it what you will, but I want Jericho's new jacket. I can finally live my dream of being featured on People of Walmart. It's awesome, and I'd fit right in around here. Of course I'd have to make a few adjustments. For one, it would have to be camouflage.   I'd also have to tear the sleeves off. Then I'd have to put a pack of Decades  in my front pocket.

 

Finally, you may have heard that VH1 has decided to give up helping celebrity drunks and druggies and instead have decided to turn their humanitarian efforts toward celebrities in dysfunctional relationships. What does this have to do with wrestling? Why wrestling's own Linda Hogan, along with her 23 year old boyfriend, will be featured. I bet Hulk loves the fact that his money is paying for his ex to be banged by a 23 year old. And while Linda is 53, I have it on good authority that New Newt Gingrich would still tag it.

 

 

So Linda is looking a little doughy around the middle. That doesn't deter New Newt, who can be seen here on the left being a total douchebag by pulling his shorts down to his scrotum so the photographer can get a good shot of his "killer abs."

 

That's it folks. This picture has put me in a bad mood.

 




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