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Crocker! Creamy Kane, Matt Hardy Goes Youtubin' Again, and a Magical Fushigi Christmas

By Dan Crocker Dec 29, 2011 - 5:51 PM print


I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I also  hope none of you had to do any last minute shopping like I did. I was sent out for heavy cream a few days before Christmas. I went to Wal-Mart, made my way to the dairy section, and there in front of the heavy cream was an old lady flipping through them like they were a stack of vinyl at some out of the way record shop and she might just run across a rare Beatles album if she looked long and hard enough. I swear to God, she looked through the cream for almost twenty minutes while I stood patiently behind her, occasionally clearing my throat. She never got the hint, but my tenacity eventually paid off. I got the cream. Only to find out, once I was home, that it was no longer needed. It was decided in my absense that we'd just buy pies this year. No need for fancy baking.

 

This must be how Kane feels every day of his life. I mean with his "burned up" face and all. How else do you explain Katie Vick? Frustration. Pure frustration. Well, now he gets to take it all out on Cena. He'll probably picture Cena as that old woman fingering the creams. That's what I would do anyway.

 

 

Why is Kane suddenly back with a wig and a mask?   No one knows or really seems to care. He just is. I guess I understand the mask. Some folks just feel better with one. The wig is beyond me.

 

Tonight on Impact, you can see Kurt Angle one on one against Rob Van Dam.   It's being booked as a dream match. If you happen to be dreaming in 1997.   Still, it might not be bad.

 

Matt Hardy is back. Back from rehab.   Good for him. I hope it sticks. It's not easy to give up addictions. If he has the money, I hope he takes a bit more time off before he jumps back into the ring. Like Dr. Drew might say, give the process some time. Speaking of Dr. Drew, when did he become the new Springer?   Have you seen "Dr. Drew's Life Changers?"   I used to think this guy was for real. Now I have my doubts.   In any event:

 

 

You have to admit that he sounds pretty sane and looks pretty good.

 

If you're lucky, you got a Fushigi from Christmas. What's a Fushigi you ask?   Let's have a look.

 

 

Let's break this video down.   First, they really should have gotten Don West for this. That said, let's get to the devestating emotional truth of this commercial. We're first shown a Neo-goth girl who is on the phone with what I can only assume is her psychologically abusive and alcoholic step-father. She's so excited that she can "do the Fushigi" that she actually called her parents, voice cracking with pride as if she's about to cry, to let them know that "she can do it!"   What the hell did her parents do to this poor girl.

 

The rest of the commercial is pretty much just this guy in a ponytail that will never get laid doing a bunch of lame shit with his Fushigi. Nothing about his looks magical or anti-gravity to me. It just looks like some doofus rolling a ball around his arms. Twenty bucks, people. You know how many kids in Africa that would feed?

 

Later. I'll leave you with a little something for Kane this holiday season.

 



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